Let the morning come
by HicEtNunc
Summary: AU. Time was what Emma needed, time was what Emma Swan hasn't left. When Henry brings her to Storybrooke, Emma has a life expectancy of only 1 year. Is 1 year enough to start a new life? To get to know her son? To fall in love again with the handsome Killian Jones with the ocean blue eyes? To break the curse? Sick!Emma Read and find out :) R&R
1. Prolog: I will forget my dreams

**Author's note:**

So this is just a second fiction I am working on, I am mainly focusing on my other CaptainSwan fic though (you might check that out as well :D ) I know this has been done before but I wanted to make my own version of it! Inspired by the movie "Now is Good"

Please read and rate :)

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**Let the morning come**

**Prologe: I will forget my dreams, nothing is what it seems**

„Emma, there'll be a slight pinch and burn, then the anesthetic will kick in. All right?" I nodded at him. He gave me the injection. I flinched because of the pain. I did not look at him, I just stared at some point behind him, trying to focus on something else than this room. The beautiful flowers out there, the sunny day. All was better than this small, crowded room with too many people in it, starring at me like I was an animal and no human at all. The doctor now faced the trainees and nurses.

„Now, I wiggle up and down to break the tissue around the insertion point. She may feel a slight tugging across the chest, but once the line detaches from the cuff, it will simply slide away. Now, of course I can reinsert the catheter should you wish to recommence your treatment." I looked at him confused.

„I'm saying you can change your mind. It would give you more time." More time. It sounded tempting. „I won't change my mind." „Okay then." He pulled the damn thing out. I closed my eyes until the strange feeling of burning in my chest faded. „Hold that for me." He took my hand and pressed it onto the insertion point. The pressure should help to stop the bleeding.

When I asked him the question - which was eating me up on the inside - I tried to sound calm and emotionless as if I did not care, as if it did not matter to me at all. But my voice was shaking. „How much time do you think I have left?" He winked at the trainees and nurses to give us some private time.

They walked out, having all forgotten about me. They were chatting about parties and holidays. But who could condemn them? I was just one of many to them. To everyone.

„I don't want to be drawn into time scales." „I won't sue if you are wrong." He gave me a sad smile. „Maybe a year, no more than that. If I were you, I would start doing things you always wanted to do. Maybe you should make a list." Tears were burning behind my eyes, but I did not want to be weak in front of him. I could not really process what he told me. A year. Only a year.

I sat up, feeling a bit dizzy. „And you know what to look for, right?" „Yeah. Chill, fever, stiff neck or headache. Drainage, bleeding, loss of strength." „You're good." „Thank you. I think I am going home now." „Is there anyone to pick you up?" I almost had to laugh out loud. He asked me, the orphan, who was thrown away by her parents, left on the streets to die, if there was anyone out there in the waiting room who cared enough to be here for me. I was alone all my life, always searching for the one thing I could not have. A family. Being loved. But in the 28 years I have lived, nothing has changed. I am still all by myself. „No, there is no one."

—

I was sitting in front of the TV, switching channels. But nothing seemed to interest me these days. I turned the TV off. A year. I have only one year left. I should not waste it with watching TV. What has the doctor said, a list? Maybe that was not a bad idea.

I picked up a pencil and a piece of paper. I just stared at the blank page. Nothing came to my mind, it was as if my brain has stopped operating correctly. My gaze was wandering through my small apartment. There were no pictures, no paintings, just white walls. I never owned much because I did not stay long anywhere, I have been on the move all my life.

Maybe that was my first point on the list. I wrote down: Finding a home. That was a beginning, but I needed some inspiration. So I googled what people did before their death. There were many people who have asked the same question as me. What to do with only a small amount of time left. Thank you internet.

I was browsing for many hours, reading the answers of the people. Most were suggesting adventurous things like jumping out of a plane but I was not the type to do such things. One answer although made me thoughtful. „What do you regret in your life? If you could go back in time what would you change? Maybe you should start there to decide what to do."

I regretted so many things in my life. And then, all of a sudden, many ideas flew into my mind. I wrote down: Opening up to people, finding friends, do not be alone anymore. I underlined the last point on the list.

Suddenly, I was thinking of Neal. He broke my heart, I never let someone in there again. So now the last point was, falling in love. And because of thinking about Neal, I also thought of the baby boy I gave away. What has become of him? So I wrote down: Meeting your son and apologize to him.

I read the list again and started laughing. What was I believing? That only because I am dying I can change my life all of a sudden? That I can be whoever I want to be? No, I can not alter who I am. I am a loner. I was alone my whole life, and I will die alone. I screwed the paper up and threw it into the dust bin.

I should have written down things that I was able to do. On my own. Like swimming in the ocean deep in the night, making a road trip, go on a party, hell, even taking drugs would be better than the shit that was standing on the other list. The other list was just a list of wishes from a little girl who has not lost hope. But I have lost hope a long time ago. I was just too broken. Life has shattered me because it never had anything to offer for poor little Emma Swan.

My head was aching as hell but I was used to this by now. I got so angry. Why me? Why did I had to go through all this? Tears started flowing.

All of a sudden, the door bell was ringing. I wondered who it could be. I was expecting no one. Who are you kidding Emma, you never got any visitors. I brushed away the tears and opened the door, hoping that whoever was there would not notice my tears. A boy was standing before my door.

At least, somebody I did not know. „Hey kid, I guess you took the wrong door. If you want to go to Justin, he is the next door." „I do not know any Justin. I wanted to you, Emma Swan." He knew my name, how? The door sign, Emma. For a moment I thought he knew me. What a crazy thought.

„Why? Where are your parents? Should I call them?" „You gave away a child when you were 18, didn't you?" „Is this some sick joke? Who told you that?" „No one. I am this kid." I looked into his eyes. Could it be? He somehow looked like Neal but there was a time when I saw Neal's face in everyone I met.

„Can I come in?" „No..." But he just walked past me. „Wait!" He walked around as if he owned this place already. „I am Henry by the way." He sat down. „Do your parents know that you are here?" He looked onto the floor. „Did you run away?" „Yes, so what?"

I somehow felt guilty. Maybe he was part of the foster system, maybe no one adopted him, maybe no one wanted him, just like no one wanted me. Maybe he went through a rough time with one of the families. I checked his face to see any signs of him being mistreated. How foolish of me, can't you remember Emma? They never leave signs of their beating on places other people could see.

„Excuse me for a second." I rushed into the bathroom. I washed my face with cold water to think straight. I looked into the mirror. I looked like shit. Why did he have to come now? I walked out of the bath room. „You have to come back to me, to Storybrooke." „Why would I do that? I cannot just leave, I have a job" (Lie), „I cannot leave everything behind. I will call the police now."

„Then I will say you kidnapped me." „What? Are you threatening me now? Let me tell you something, I have this superpower that I know when people are lying, and you my friend are only bluffing." „Okay, but please, just drop me off there, okay?" Think of your list Emma, you wanted to meet him. It was almost a miracle, that he was standing before your door when you wrote it down only minutes ago. Furthermore, you gave him away, you could do him at least one favor. „Let's go then. To Storybrooke, huh?"

Is everyone in this town crazy? First, the boy I gave away shows up and wants to convince me that my parents are fucking Snow White and Prince Charming and that they are cursed, just like every other fairytale character that was ever mentioned in a story. Above all, he thinks that I am their savior, that I can break the curse and give everyone their happy ending back.

He also showed me some pages in his storybook which he thinks are about me. He must be really troubled to flee into this crazy world of his where everyone was a fairytale character.

Me, a savior? I nearly laughed out loud. I could not even handle my own life. The only time that I have been happy was with Neal but we all know how that story ended.

Henry always looked at me as if every word that came out of my mouths would magically let rainbows appear all over Storybrooke. He was so convinced of his story, he had such believe in me. But he should not do such a foolish thing. I am no savior, neither his, nor anyone else's. He should not put all his hopes into me of freeing him from his mother.

Yeah, speaking of, Henry's adoptive mother was such a charming lady. That bitch, I can understand why he calls her the evil queen when Regina's not around. She also happens to be the major of this town. I wonder how she got so many votes. But as I said, crazy people.

She invited me into her home, she made small talk with me, while she was looking at me like she wanted to dagger me. She said something about her not knowing who Henry's parents were and that the documents were sealed.

Yeah, that's because I did not want to see him. I wanted to avoided this whole situation by doing so. Not because I was not interested in him, no, I knew that if I would see him one more time, I did not want to walk away again. But he deserved better. What could I have given him? A 18 year old girl without a job, without proper education. I would have been the worst mother ever.

Whenever I played our future through in my head, I knew that I was not ready to be a mother. I would have loved him from the bottom of my heart, but I could not have cared for him the way I had wanted. I wanted to give him his best chance, which I definitely was not.

Nonetheless, the major saw me as a threat to take her son away from her. I could read between the lines, she was threatening me. If only she knew anything about my life, she would not do such a foolish thing. Even if I could, I would not take him with me. I did not want him to get attached. I did not want to hurt him. I did not want him to see me die.

No, it was good the way it was. Henry was just going through a rough time. Growing up is not easy. Regina may be a strict mother but Henry is well taken care of, I am sure. At least, I hope so. But there is nothing that I could do to change things. I should not waste my time since I had only so little left.

—

I walked away from Regina's house. I somehow felt as if I was burning, I guess another fever-wave. I also felt a little dizzy, my vision got blurry. I tried to blink it away. I almost tripped over my own feet unless someone has caught me.

„Careful there." I looked into the bluest eyes I have ever seen. I could feel his breath cool against my hot skin. I had the feeling that time stood still. But then I was myself again and pulled away quickly. „Thanks." „You're welcome, love." Irish accent. Totally hot. Emma, stop!

„You new in town? I have never seen you before and don't take me wrong, but a face as yours, I would have remembered." He was smirking at me. „I was just dropping someone off." I wanted to walk to my car but was stopped by his voice. „Already leaving, love?" „Yes, I want to be home before dawn."

„Want to have a drink with me first?" Was he flirting with me? „I don't drink before driving." He has made a step towards me, ignoring my private space. I took a step back, only to find my back pressed against a wall. He placed his hands beside my head, leaning closer to me, making it impossible for me to escape.

„Don't worry, you can stay at my place till tomorrow." I have never met such a cocky bastard. I was boiling inside but my voice was calm. „I am not that kind of girl." „So what kind of girl are you then?" „Wouldn't you like to know?" „Perhaps I would."

He starred into my eyes, I was shivering under his intense gaze. He did not seem to notice. „Would you be so kind to take away your hands? You are wasting my time." He pushed himself from the wall. „Here you go." I did not say anything and just walked passed him. „In case you wondered, my name is Killian Jones." I turned around to face him again: „And I am ... Not interested, Killian Jones." As I walked away I could feel his eyes on me, which made my heart race.

I sat into my car. I felt so sleepy, these days I could sleep all day. Maybe I should have stayed one night. No Emma, you should not get attached. He may be the boy you gave birth to, but he is not your son. I was on my way out of Storybrooke and that was for the best.

Suddenly, a wolf appeared on the street. Wait, am I hallucinating? No, it was definitely there. I turned the wheel and crushed against a tree. My head hurt, everything was blurry. I tried to get out of the car, but then darkness took over.

When I woke up, I starred at a white ceiling. Where was I? This was definitely not my bed. I was shifting my weight, so that I could sit up and regretted it the moment I did. My head hurt. „Ah, the sleeping beauty decided to wake up. Finally." I slowly turned my head and saw that I was behind bars.

I was in jail? What has happened? „Who are you?" „I am the Sheriff." „Why am I in here?" „Driving under alcohol influence." „What? I did not drink." „But you had an accident and crushed into a tree." „Yeah, because a fucking wolf was on the street." „A wolf? In Maine? Of course."

„Did you make an alcohol test?" I looked him in the eyes and saw that that had not crossed his mind. „Well, then I do not think you have the right to keep me in here." Reluctantly, he searched for the right key and opened my cell.

„I will keep an eye on you." „I will not be here much longer." „Well, I guess, if you want to leave, there is a problem." „What now?" „Your car is at the auto repair shop. I think it's quite the damage." Perfect. Just perfect. „Where can I find this shop?" He then looked at my face and seemed to be guilty. I looked into the window and saw in my reflection, that I was bruised. It looked really bad. I hate my fucking life. „I'll take you there." „You don't have to." „Don't make me regret this."

As soon as the sheriff parked, I jumped out of the car. I could not stand this creepy silence between us any longer. I seemed to have pissed him off real bad, although I did not do anything. I also kept my mouth shut, I did not insult him. But again, i guess there are only crazy people in this town.

I saw my car and someone was standing behind it, I could only see the feet because the bonnet was up. „How bad is it?" I could hear someone swearing. I was just being ignored, so I walked closer, to have a look for myself. And there he was, his white shirt drenched with engine oil. I was so startled, that I did not even notice the sheriff standing beside me.

„Killian, how long will it take?" He now faced us. He looked surprised. „It's you..." Then his look fell onto my bruises. He made a step closer and his finger brushed over my bruised skin. It felt as if thousands of needles were stabbing me. But I did not show the pain.

„Why didn't you bring her to see a doctor? That looks pretty bad. I did not know you were so careless, Graham. Maybe she has inner bleedings!" „Yesterday they did not look so bad!" They started screaming at each other. I did not really listen to what they were saying. I just starred at my car, trying to figure out what has to be repaired. Maybe I could fix this on my own.

But to be honest, I was not that good at repairing cars, I tried it once. Total loss after that. The boys were still fighting with each other. „Guys, I am fine. Stop the screaming, I need you", I pointed at Killian, „to repair my car and you should probably be heading back to the station." They looked at me like they had forgotten about me. Graham was still angry, I could see that. Without another word, he turned and got into his car.

Killian and I both watched him drive away. „So how bad is it?" He now smiled at me. „Your name for information." „Are you fucking kidding me?" „Hey, your car made me all dirty." He was smirking at me again. I just ignored his ambiguous remark.

„Fine, the name's Emma Swan." „Emma, what a beautiful name. " „So, when I can I drive home?" „Not anytime soon." „What? Why? If you are good at your job, it should only take a couple of hours." „Are you the expert here? Trust me, I know exactly what I am doing, but there is nothing I can do for now. I don't have the spares, I have to order them." „How long will it take?" „A week." „Brilliant." Another wave of pain hit my head. I had to support myself against the car. „Are you okay?" I could not see him clear anymore. „Emma!" Everything went black again.

When I woke up, his face was the first thing I saw. „Don't move, I think you fainted. Here drink this." He handed me a coke. „It's flat." „You are though to please." „You say that as if it was a bad thing." He was dialing a number on his mobile phone. „What are you doing?" „I am calling 911." „What no, I am fine." „But you just fainted and you had an accident." „It was not the first time I fainted." „Are you diabetic? Drink some more." He watched me with his blue, blue eyes.

„Wanna help me up, please?" He took my hand and pulled me up. His hands laying on my hips to support me. His thumb brushed the skin between my shirt and my jeans. I was looking into his ocean blue eyes. My eyes trailed down to his lips. Everything about his face was just so perfect. He caught me starring at his lips.

„I bet you fainted because of me, I have that effect on women." „You wish." He smiled again. „You really should go see a doctor, love. The hospital is just around the corner." I let go of his hand. „I do not need a doctor."

I opened the door to my car and grabbed my bag. I pulled my phone out and looked onto the display for missed calls. I had a new voicemail. I walked outside, so that Killian would not hear something he should not. „Emma, this is Jen from the hospital, you missed your appointment today. We need to check your blood levels. Please call back."

I wanted to call her back but then I saw the major coming our way. „Miss Swan, what are you still doing here? I thought you were leaving." „I am. I had an accident." Killian walked to us. „Regina, what brings you here?" „It's Henry. He is missing. Again." „What? Why didn't you tell me?" „My son is none of your concern." „But I can help searching him. I am very good at finding people, it's my job." „Okay then."

We have split up in teams. Regina was talking to Henry's teacher from whom he apparently had the credit card to drive to Boston. Killian has whispered in my ear that he had an idea where Henry could be. He took my hand and dragged me with him.

At first we were walking silently next to each other. But then he faced me and asked: „Why did you come to Storybrooke anyway? You know I am curious since no one comes to Storybrooke." „I told you before. I gave someone a ride home." „Yeah, but the thing is, that no one leaves Storybrooke either."

„You are just exaggerating." „No, I am not." „Can we talk about something else? Or not talk at all." He did not speak for a couple of minutes but his mouth did not stay shut for long. „The other thing I was wondering was, what did you do to piss Regina? Girl, when she looked at you, I was afraid she would jump at you and strangle you." „I did nothing to piss her off." And murmured: „I just gave birth to her son." „What? So you are Henry's birthmother?" I was shocked that he had heard that. It seemed like he had also a superpower: bat-ears. He smiled at me. „There are quite a few stories about you here in Storybrooke."

Did he mean Henry's idea of me being the savior? „What stories?" „About what you look like, why you gave Henry away and all that kind of stuff. Everyone in town is very fond of your boy, so everyone was curious of Henry's birth parents." Your boy. Henry was certainly not my boy. Although it sounded good.

„Where are we heading anyway?" „Henry has a secret hiding place." „Can't be such a secret when you know of it." „I am not the person he his hiding from." I knew that he was speaking of Regina. „Does she treat him well?" „Love, I am the wrong person to ask. Regina and I… we can't stand each other. The only reason she came to me to ask for my help is because she knows that Henry trusts me."

„Sounds like you know Henry very well?" „I do. He is a good lass, your boy." „You should not be calling Henry my boy. He is Regina's son." I speeded up so that I now was walking in front of him. He wanted to say something but then I caught sight of Henry sitting at a wooden castle.

„Henry, there you are!" I stormed to him. „Emma." He looked into my face. „What happened?" „I had a car accident." „Are you okay?" „Yes, I am fine." Lies. I tell everyone lies. „Why did you run away again?" „I don't want to talk about it." „Why?" „Because you do not want to hear it." „Try me." „Regina, she is evil. You can stay and watch for yourself."

„I have to stay for one week anyway." „Really?" „But don't expect me to stay any longer unless…" „Unless?" „I have the feeling you are being mistreated." He hugged me. I was so overwhelmed by this feeling. His small hands at my back. His face pressed against my shoulder, smiling. I nearly had to smile myself. But I did not want any emotion to break through the surface. „Let's bring you back home now."

„Killian, you are here too?" Killian was smiling at him. „Aye, I cannot blame you. When Emma's around I would not notice myself either." His eyes met mine for a split second, making me shiver again. He then ruffled Henry's hair and gave Henry a piggyback ride. I went after the two of them, not knowing what I have gotten myself into.

„Thank you, Miss Swan, for finding Henry." „No problem." Regina wanted to close the door, but I held her back, my foot being in the door frame. „What is it?" „Do you love him? Henry, I mean." „Of course, I do. And I hope there is not a misunderstanding. Do you know what a closed adoption is, it's what you asked for. Henry is my son. Stay away from him or I'll destroy you." She slammed the door in my face. I was not pissed at her because she has threatened me. Again. But when she spoke of loving Henry, she had no emotion in her voice. I was beginning to mistrust her more and more.

She always talked about knowing what's best for Henry, but I began to doubt that.

I walked back to where Killian was waiting. „So is there any place I can stay a couple of days?" „My offer still holds. You can come to my place." I rolled my eyes. „I don't bite, I promise. Unless you are into that." „Killian", I warned him with my voice. „There is a bed and breakfast." „Finally, something useful coming out of your mouth." He made a step towards me, ignoring my private space, AGAIN! „Love, my mouth could be so much more useful to you in more enjoyable activities."

My eyes wandered to his lips. I bit my bottom lip. I imagined his lips on my whole body, making me shiver, making me scream. He was grinning at me and all of the lust I had been feeling was replace by anger and shame. I wanted to punch him in the face. So I just slapped him and left him there. He was screaming after me: „I always liked challenges, so be warned." Fucking, stupid bastard.


	2. I don't wanna see what I have seen

**Chapter 1:** **I don't want to see what I have seen**

I woke up from another nightmare and rose in my bed. I was sweating and panting. After I calmed down, I let myself sink into the pillows again. I looked onto my phone display to check the time. 5.12 am. I groaned. Although I always felt sleepy, I did not sleep more than a couple of hours every night. It was so frustrating.

And then all of a sudden, I felt terribly sick. I headed to the bathroom and reached the toilet just in time to throw up. My head rested on the toilet seat. When the sick-feeling faded, I stood up, brushed my teeth and washed my face. The bruises have not faded after nearly a week.

I did my hair into a ponytail, put some clothes on and went for a walk. It was too early to be spending time with Henry or do anything other useful. In the bed&amp;breakfast it was still so quiet, I went downstairs on tiptoe, afraid of waking someone up.

When I was outside, I took deep breaths. I sighed because I knew that I would not get some sleep this afternoon as I usually did in my apartment when I could not sleep well in the night. I tried it two days ago but Ruby and her Grandmother were screaming about something, they always had something to fight about.

I was heading in no particular direction. Just walking and getting my head free. I was freezing a bit since it was a very cold night or rather morning. Suddenly, I was standing in front of the hospital. My missed appointment came to my mind. But why did they have to check my blood levels when I was dying anyway? Nonetheless, I could use some more painkillers.

I checked if there was someone who could see me walking in. I was glad I woke up so early. I went inside and headed directly to the reception. A nurse was smiling at me. „Hello dear, how can I help you?" „Umm… you see, I missed an appointment last week and I need to make a blood test. Is this a problem at such an early time? You see, I just don't want the people to get talking."

„Of course not. Please wait here, I will go fetch a doctor." „And could you send the results to my doctor. I am not sticking around in Storybrooke much longer." „Sure, just write down his name and address and I will search for his fax number." „Thank you." „Sit down. It may take some time."

I sat down and distracted my mind with reading a magazine. Without paying much attention, I flipped through it, now and again stopping to admire certain clothes.

A doctor came out of a room, reading something on a clipboard. „Miss Swan?" „Yes, that's me." „Please, come with me." I went after him and he closed the door behind me. He pointed at a chair. „Please, take a seat. I am Dr. Whale. How can I help you?" „You have to take my blood and check the blood levels." „A certain reason?" While he was talking with me, he grabbed an empty syringe and injected it. I did not look because I am not very fond of blood. Funny, isn't it?

„Yes." „You can talk to me. I will not tell anybody. I can see that it's something serious, since you have many punctures that are very recent." „I would rather talk with my doctor about it." „It's your decision. Your bruises seem to be pretty bad too. Did someone hit you? Is this the reason you don't want to talk about it?" „No, nobody hurt me. I had an accident." A nurse came in, took the injection from him and walked out of the room again.

„Anything else I can do for you?" „Yes there is, I need more painkillers, maybe you could give me a recipe?" „What kind do you need?" I handed him the box in which only a few pills were left. „I'll go get you some." He now could guess what I had. He pitied me, I could see it. I hate it when people looked at me like that.

After a few minutes he came back, handed me the now full box and guided me outside. „I hope you get well soon, Miss Swan."

I stormed outside of the hospital. Without looking where I went, I bumped into someone. The box with pills flew out of my pocket and landed on the floor. I murmured an apology and wanted to grab the box as fast as possible but the someone I bumped into, took it first.

I lifted my eyes and saw the sheriff. „Graham." He starred at the box. „I knew something was up with you." Not another one who pitied me. „You are a junkie, stealing pills from the hospital." Why did he always have to assume the worst when it came to me? „I am not." „You cannot lie to me, I am the sheriff." „What did I do to that you mistrust me this much?" „I made research on you. You are an ex-prisoner."

„How did you find out? The records were sealed. And that was a long time ago. People change." „Not people like you." I cannot believe it. He thought I was still a criminal. What if he told Regina? Henry would be devastated. „Did you tell Regina about that?" „No." „Good. I don't want Henry to get to know he was born in jail." „Understandable." I wanted to leave but he stopped me, grabbing me hard by the wrist. „Where do you think you are going? You have to come to the station with me. I have to report this."

I felt the anger burning inside of me. Who did he think he was? Something better than me, judging me because I was in jail because my stupid boyfriend ran away, betraying me, handing me over to the police. I did not knew better then, I was never shown. Without thinking I pulled my shirt up. „What are you doing, put your shirt back down." Although he sounded pissed, he still starred at my exposed body, taking in the sight of my breast in the white lace-bra. His body betrayed his mind. His eyes dark with lust.

„See this, this a portacath. That's an a access disk for medical treatments. I have acute lymphoblastic leukemia. Do you know what this means?" „No, I am afraid not." „I have cancer. You fucking idiot." I pulled my shirt down. He has let go of my hand.

I ripped the box of painkillers out of his hand. Tears of anger burning in my eyes. He looked speechlessly at me. I almost ran away from him. What have I done? Why did I tell him? He certainly will tell everyone. Why could I not control my anger? I could have said something about the accident and the bruises and therefore the painkillers, but no, no, Emma Swan had to make a show. I did not want anyone to know, especially not Henry. Tears were running down my cheeks.

I could hear footsteps behind me. „Emma, wait!" I did not stop, but he caught up to me fast. „I don't want to talk with you." He stood before me and stopped me. „Look, I am sorry." He saw the tears on my cheek. „I am really sorry. I pushed you into revealing your illness to me. I am such a jerk." „Yeah, you are." He smiled at me. „Please, don't tell anyone." „I won't." Now I smiled back at him. „Want something to eat? It's on me, of course." „Sounds good", I replied.

—

It was good talking to Graham, although he treated me differently now, he did not act like I was ill. He joked with me, made me laugh. It felt good. I forgot for some time about the things I worry all the time.

„Want something more to drink?" „A cocoa with cinnamon, please." „Cinnamon? Interesting. I'll be right back." He gave me another grin before heading to grab the drink. The door to the diner went open and Killian stepped in. Gods, I really did not want to talk with him right now. I hope he did not see me. But of course he did. He waved at me and walked right to my desk.

„May I?" He just sat down. „I did not say yes." „But you did not say no either, love." He grinned at me, his eyes on my body. „Why are you wasting your time, Killian? I already made my point clear. I am not interested." „I am not yet convinced that I waste my time. We will see." I grabbed my bag and said: „I have to go now." Before he could reply anything I walked over to Graham.

„Hey, thanks for breakfast but I will be heading to my room now." „What about your cocoa?" „Drink it yourself. I promise it tastes much better with cinnamon." Graham's gaze fell to our desk where Killian was sitting, watching us intensely. Graham suddenly looked protectively in my direction. He leaned over to me and kissed my check. He then whispered in my ear: „I enjoyed today." „Me too."

I walked out of the diner, looking at Killian once more. He did not look at me. I guess I have hurt his ego. Man, he deserved that. He should not be so cocky all the time. I am sure that his pickup lines worked on many women but I was different. I admit that I got turned on by him but that's all. I had too much self-respect and dignity to sleep with a womanizer like him.

I did not want to be a one night stand once more again. I did not want to waste my time with a guy who only saw me as a bed bunny, a toy that he could use to pleasure him.

All that such men did was expecting you to leave in the morning. They did not even want you to stay for breakfast or ask you for your number. For a time that was okay with me too. But as I have said. People change.

—-

I spent the rest of the day with Henry. I enjoyed our meetings. He was so different than I thought. He was so smart, funny and above all he was always so optimistic. I did not even understand why he had no friends in school.

We were sitting on his castle. „And how is it at home?" He did not look at me. „She makes me go to Dr. Hopper." „Why? Are you ill?" I was shocked. Maybe I had passed my illness on to him. „No, she thinks I am crazy." I felt relieved. „Is it because of the fairytale-thing?" He nodded. „Then maybe you should not talk about it with her and pretend you do not believe it."

„Are you believing me?" „Henry, I am convinced that you think its true. And I don't know what's out there. Maybe it's true. I also have to admit it would be cool to live in a world with Peter Pan and Wendy. I always liked the story of Neverland. So tell me, are superheros real too? Like Spiderman or Batman?" „I don't know but that would be really cool." We both chuckled.

Suddenly, he got silent and looked sad. „When are you leaving?" It broke my heart seeing him like that. „I am going to miss you, Emma." I almost had to cry. He has gotten so attached to me, that he would miss me. And be honest Emma, you would miss him too. I ruffled his hair. „Maybe I am staying for another while, just to make sure you are okay and that the evil queen is not hurting you." His face lit up. „Really?" „Yes." He hugged me. I have gotten used to his hugs, hell, I sometimes needed them. Like now. „I have to go now. My mother has cooked and she will be angry if I won't show up. See you tomorrow, Emma." I did not want to let go of him but I reluctantly did. „See you tomorrow, kid."

—

I was sitting at the beach and starring at the sea. It had something calming to watch the waves. It was getting dark. And then suddenly, the list came to my mind. Unbelievable, but I could tick of some points of it. Like meeting my son. Opening up to people (Graham). Finding a home (I am staying). Maybe it was time to make another wish come true.

I was undressing. Before I had made sure, that no one was there to see me. I was only in my underwear and walked into the water. It was freezing. But I wanted to swim now so badly. I could not back off. I went deeper down, until my whole body was underwater. My heart was racing. It was so cold but it felt so good. I swam to a moored buoy. I could no longer feel the ground beneath my feet.

I dived under, holding myself onto the chain of the buoy, so that I would not emerge. I counted the seconds I stayed underwater. I could feel the need for air burning in my chest. But I still did not want to surface yet.

I let go of the chain and let myself sink further down. The only thing I heard was the pumping of my own heart. Other than that, it was completely silent down here.

A voice deep inside of me whispered to stop fighting. To let the water take me away. Facing death earlier, deciding the point of my death myself and to let go of all the pain, I went through, of all the pain I would have to face in the future.

I exhaled, seeing the bubbles emerging only blurry before my eyes. But then I remembered Henry, and that he probably needed me. No, don't twist the facts, Emma. You need him to keep yourself from being alone. You are using him. And when you die and he has grown fond of you, you will leave him shattered. It was better to go now. To give him his best chance. So that he won't become like you. Hopeless. Broken. Afraid.

Sadness overcame me. I did not want to go back up there, where everything was so complicated. The darkness was lulling me, singing a song that could only be heard by me.

But then I swam back to the surface again, taking deep breaths. I could not let go. I did not want to die. Henry and I … we had a chance. A chance to become happy together. Even if we don't have that much time. It will be enough. It has to be enough for his sake.

I turned around and was on my way back since I was already shivering from the bitter cold. And then I saw him, standing at the beach. He had my clothes in his hands. „You are crazy, Swan. It's too cold to go swimming." I was too shocked to see him here, when minutes ago I nearly let myself drown. But I quickly recovered. „To my mind, the water is wonderful, but I guess you are too much of a pansy, Jones."

Even at this distance I could see him smile. „Swan, if you wanted to see me naked, all you had to do was ask." My clothes fell to the floor. He undressed himself. What had I done? I simply should have ignored him. Now here I was, starring at his body. I could not keep my eyes off of him. He wore only his boxer-shorts and dived into the water.

He was gasping and swearing. He was swimming closer to me, smirking. Although it was dark, I saw that his lips turned blue because of the cold. „I cannot believe you made me do this." „I did not force you into anything." „Please, you were asking for it. You challenged my ego", he said in a low, sexy voice.

He was so close to me, it almost hurt. I did not know why he made feel this way all the time. He was embracing me, touching my bare skin. It took all my self-restraint to keep myself from kissing him, touching him. „Let go of me. I am cold. I will be swimming back now." „Love, I can make you warm again." I kicked him hard enough to make him pull his arms away. Even though I hated it, but I admitted, that his hands around me had felt good. Safe. And now, it was like something was missing.

I swam the crawl to get back fast. I reached the point where I could stand again and stood up. He was close behind me. As soon as I stood up, I caught him starring at my breasts, his eyes suddenly dark with lust. The bra had turned see-through. I was cursing. I wrapped my arms around my breasts, trying to cover the portacath. I hoped he had not noticed. „Don't cover up on my account, love." „Turn around." „I have already seen it, love." He was making me so furious. I stepped out of the water, pissed and shivering. I put on my clothes, he was standing beside me, doing the same.

I did not talk to him, nor look at him. „You have a nice body, love." „I am not in the mood for your games." „If I recall right, you started this time." „I am going home now." „Let me bring you." „I can take care of myself." „You are shivering. Here take it." He was handing me his shirt, which he had not put on yet. My eyes travelled over his body. „I don't need it." „I am insisting you take it." I just walked away from him.

„Stubborn woman", I heard him growl. Although I had put my clothes on, I was still quivering. Maybe it was not the best idea I had.

„You know, I am not deaf, I can hear you following me." „We are just heading in the same direction." „Sure." He was on my heels the whole way back to Granny's bed&amp;breakfast. I turned around. „Pleased now?" „I just wanted to make sure you get home well." I wanted to walk inside but I saw my suitcase on the stairs. I looked confused and opened it. All of my things were in there.

I stormed inside. „What does this mean? Are you kicking me out? I wanted to stay longer." „Miss Swan, we are sorry, but I need to ask you to leave. I'm afraid we have a ‚no felons' rule and you got arrested because of your accident. It… It turns out it's a city ordinance." I cannot believe she did that. Why was she so eager to keep me away from Henry? „I need to have your room key back." I nearly threw the key at her and rushed out before she could see my tears.

I grabbed my suitcase and wanted to walk over to my car, recalling that it's still at the repair shop. So I just sat at the staircase and shivered and cried. This was a horrible day. Suddenly, I felt something being wrapped around me. It was Killian who covered me with his shirt. „Tough day, huh?" „You have no idea." „Looks like you have no place to stay tonight." He was right. I had no idea where I could stay. I would sleep in my car but that was no option either.

„You know, you can come to my place, and I promise you, I won't do anything you don't want to. I have also a bed sofa." „I don't think that's a good idea." „I don't think you have that many options, Swan." He was right, I had not. „I have a bathtub too, so you can warm yourself up." „But only for one night."

—

I was standing awkwardly in his apartment. I waited for him to return with some towels. I did not want to look around since I did not want him to believe I was interested in anything that was connected to him. My hair was dripping. I felt bad for making everything wet.

He came back. „Here you go. The bathroom is the door over there." I took the towels and walked over to the bathroom. I closed the door behind me and locked it. I drew a bath. Only hot water. I slipped out of my clothes and let myself sink into the hot water slowly. My skin was burning at the beginning, but then my whole body relaxed. It was such a relief after the shivering. My body had only stopped shaking then. Although I did not want to leave, I got out of the bathtub. I was wrapped in the towel. I had forgotten to bring some dry clothes with me.

I was cursing. I opened the door and hoped that he was not around, so that I just could pick up my clothes and hurry back to the bathroom. But of course he was there. He had a steaming mug in his hands. He was cold too. I should not have been so selfish and let him take a bath first. It was his home after all. Maybe I would not have forgotten to grab some clothes then.

He looked at me with a grin on his face. He put the mug down and walked over to me. Again, I stood pressed against a wall, trying to crawl back further away from him. „You are constantly saying that you are not interested, love, but your actions speak another language." He was smirking. I wanted to punch his grin out of his face.

I was breathing heavily. He noticed too. My body ached for him whenever he was this clothes to me. I nearly lost hold of the towel. He put a strand of hair behind my ear, touching my skin briefly. „You are hot." I laughed. „What? After all your pickup lines you believe this is working?" „No, Swan, you are burning. I think you have a fever."

He handed me some clothes of his since I did not have that many in Storybrooke. I never planned to stay that long. „Way too big for you, but better than your soaking wet clothes." „Thanks." He went out of the room. I quickly got dressed. And walked outside to the main room again. „So where am I sleeping?" „Drink this. It's an anti-febrile." While I was drinking, he looked at me closely. „You look good in my clothes." I rolled my eyes and sat on the sofa. „I am really tired." „Come on, I'll show you where you sleep."

I followed him into what looked like his bedroom. „No, I won't take your bed away from you." „I don't mind sleeping on the couch." „Me neither." He pushed me onto the bed and forced me back when I wanted to stand up. His hands still on my shoulder, he said: „Gives me so many fantasies, Swan." I was blushing because my mind was filled with fantasies too. His strong hands exploring my body, squeezing me, tickling me. Making me want more. But no, Emma, get a hold of yourself!

„Have a good night." He leaned forward, his lips nearly touching mine, our noses only inches away. He then gave me a kiss onto my cheek. „I am so much better than Graham, love. Don't make me jealous again." He stood up and left the room, leaving me in darkness.

He was jealous of Graham. Did this mean he liked me? Or was he just pissed Graham got in his way to have another bed bunny? I just could not understand him. He confused me every time I saw him.

The sheets, pillow and the blanket were smelling of him. I felt comforted the instance I wrapped myself in the blankets. I was yawning. I was just so tired. I feel asleep minutes later.

—

When I woke up, the sun was shining. I usually did not sleep that long. I looked onto the clock next to his bed. 7.47 am. I stood up and stretched myself. Then I got out of the room. I walked into the living room/kitchen on tiptoe since I heard him snoring.

I found my clothes on a drying rack. I grabbed them and went into the bathroom to get dressed. I decided to look around a bit since I did not have to worry about him catching me as long as I heard his snores.

He had a small apartment which had a lovely view of the water outside. There were many paintings of boats on his walls, one showing mermaids. There were also a few pictures, many of them with him and Graham. So I guessed the two were friends.

He had also a huge bookshelf with more books than I have ever seen in my life. I let my hand glide over the books. I pulled one out and dropped it when I heard him clearing his throat behind me. I turned around, my cheeks burning. „How long have you been standing there?" „Long enough." „Anyway, I am going now. Thanks for letting me sleep here." I wanted to rush past him but of course he would not let me go. He grabbed my wrist and touched my forehead. „How are you feeling today? The fever seemed to have faded." „I am fine."

„Wanna have something to eat?" „I am not hungry. And I am meeting someone." He tensed. He was thinking of Graham. Well, let him believe that, Emma. „You won't change your mind?" He pleaded with me. Although I did not want it, his sad eyes made me say: „No, Henry's school is starting in an hour. I want to walk him there." Now he seemed to be relieved.

„Well, I won't hold you back any longer then." He let go of my wrists and I walked outside. Leaning against the door and sighing.

—

That bitch. I hated her so much. I am glad I decided to stay. She has threatened me several times until now, even causing Henry pain, because I admitted in front of her that he is crazy without knowing he was listening. I did not mean to say it but I just wanted to hurt her, showing her that Henry's upbringing was making him go crazy.

I am glad I could sort things out with him. I believe we were closer now than ever, we were bonding, all thanks to Regina since she drove him away from her with her actions. Also we had operation cobra started, which was a crazy name since cobras did not have anything to do with fairytales but hey, I liked spending time with Henry. He still believed I was the savior and could bring the happy endings back into this town. But I did not mind him thinking this anymore. Maybe it was time to have a happy ending. Our happy ending. As long as we could be together, I was fine. I was smiling to myself.


	3. A Little Party Never Killed Nobody

**Thank you for reading my story :) This chapter was so much fun to write, I hope you like it :)**

**Chapter 2: A little party never killed nobody **

I was sitting in the diner, a newspaper in front of me, circling a few advertisements for flats, small apartments, rooms. I knew that it was useless, since the mayor did not want me in town and probably no one was accepting me. Why was everyone so afraid of her?

Someone sat across from me, I noticed her as Henry's teacher. „Emma, right?" „Yes, and you are?" „Sorry, where are my manners. I am Mary Margaret." She was smiling at me. „What brings you to my table?" „Oh, I just wanted to thank you." „Why?" „It's good to see Henry smiling again." „I did not do anything." „You stayed. So, does the Mayor know you're still here?"

„Oh, she knows. What is her deal? She's not a great people person. How did she get elected?" „She's been mayor for as long as I can remember. No one's ever been brave enough to run against her. She inspires quite a bit of, well, fear. I'm afraid I only made that worse by giving Henry that book. Now he thinks she's the Evil Queen." So she gave him the storybook and also knows of his believes. „Who does he think you are?" „Oh, it's silly."

„I just got five minutes of silly. Lay it on me." „Snow White." She chuckled and I had to. It was absurd that Henry thought I was the daughter of Mary Margret. She was the same age as me, probably younger. Suddenly, Ruby placed two mugs in front of us. „I did not order anything." MM smiled at me. „I did." „Thanks." I took a gulp. It was cocoa with cinnamon. „Cinnamon?" „Oh, I should have asked. It's a little quirk of mine. Do you mind?" „Not at all."

„You look like you have to talk. Something is on your mind. You can tell me." „I just have the feeling that if I stay, Henry will get hurt. He will suffer because of me." Not just because sooner or later he will get to know that I am dying, but also because of his mother. She wanted to destroy me and it did not matter to her if she brought Henry down with me.

„Well, I think it's for the best if you stay." „Why is that?" „I trust you. It's odd. I have the feeling that we have met before. And I see that you care about Henry. If you go, who will protect him?"

„But I have just one major problem. Literally. The mayor does not want me to stay, so everyone will turn me down." „Well, I do have a spare room." „Why would you offer me that spare room?" „As I said before. I trust you. And it would be fun to have a roommate. I have lived alone since … I got into this town."

She was alone. Just like me. Maybe this could work out. „Won't I disturb you?" „Of course not or else I would not have offered. You would do me a favor, really." „You convinced me. I am going to move in." „Don't you want to see the room first?" „No, as long as it has enough space for a bed, it's okay for me." She was smiling at me again.

—

Two days after that, I have settled in at MM's place. Well, technically, it was our place now. My room was small but I liked it a lot. My things from Boston have finally arrived, although I did not own much. Just a few clothes, some books and that was it. And of course my baby blanket in which I was found. I never had the strength to let go of it and I still can't.

I packed it away somewhere in the very back of my closet. Just in time because then Mary Margaret was standing in my room. She looked around. „When will the rest of your things come?" „That was all." „Oh." „I have moved a lot over the years, I could not carry that much with me." „I see. Wanna grab something to eat? I am starving." „Sure."

We walked to the diner. MM and Ruby were close friends, so she was sitting at our desk too. I did not really listen to what they were talking about, but I kinda liked Ruby. She reminded me of myself when I was younger. When I was with Neal. When everything seemed to work out fine. That was the time, when I believed that I had to go through all the foster parents, just to meet Neal, because then I thought, that no one deserved to be that happy to have a family and meet the love of your life. I was just foolish then. But also happy.

We spent some time together in the diner until MM had to leave for school. I waved goodbye to Ruby and walked outside as Graham's sheriff car pulled up next to me. The siren was on. He was grinning at me. „What's with the siren?" „It's hard to get your attention." „Well you have it. Are you blaming me for robbery or driving under alcohol influence again?" I now smiled back.

„Although I would like to put you behind bars again, just to have you around more often, I just wanted to thank you." Was he flirting with me? I never could decipher such phrases. I needed some other signs than words to get something like that. Maybe a shield above his head, with the words: „HE WANTS YOU!", would help.

„Thank me for what?" „Helping to find Henry the other day." „I told you, finding people is what I do." „It's an interesting job. How did you fall into it?" „Looking for people is just what I have done since I can remember." „What made you start? Your parents?" I know looked surprised and shocked in his direction. „Henry told me. Did you ever find them?" I was shaking my head. „I am sorry." „Don't be. But let's talk about something else. What do I get for finding Henry? A commendation? Key to the city?"

We both were laughing, imagine Regina handing me the key with a sour expression in her face. „No, I was thinking about offering you a job." What? Why was everyone so nice to me? I was not used to this. „I could use a deputy." „Please, you only want someone to do the dirty work for you." He was chuckling again. „Think about it, will you? You decided to stay for a while, didn't you? You will have to earn some money."

„So you really were not joking?" „Of course not." „But I don't see a lot of sheriffing going on around here." „What? We have a lot of criminals in Storybrooke, starting with the charming lady next to me." „I am not a criminal. There really was a wolf on the street." „Whatever you say. Other than you, there are also the town's drunk and of course, the crimes caused because of Mr. Gold." „Mr. Gold?" „Yeah, he owns this place." „What do you mean?" „The town. He is the landlord and it happens more often than what is good for the people, that they go crazy because they cannot pay him."

„I don't know. Do you really think it's a good idea?" „The best I have ever had." „Okay, but only to fulfill a wish of a friend." „I hope you are talking about me." „I guess you will never know." „See you tomorrow then. On time please!" He sat into his car again, waved at me and drove away.

I walked back into the diner because I had nothing else to do. Henry was in school. I was the only customer in there. Ruby was sitting next to me, talking to me. It was nice of her. I really began to like spending time in Storybrooke because everyone was so nice here. It almost felt like home.

After a while, Mary Margaret sat down with us to have something to eat. I was telling her and Ruby about my new job. „Emma, this is wonderful." Suddenly, a man walked in, he had a cane. He walked to Granny. „Who is this?" „That's Mr. Gold." As if he had sensed that we were talking about him, he turned around seeing us, and smiling. At least, I thought it was a smile.

Granny passed him a roll of bills. „It's all here." „Yes, yes, of course it is, dear. Thank you." Ruby whispered to us: „He is so creepy." He was walking straight to our desk. „Shit, do you think he heard me?" „Of course not", I hissed. „Hello Miss Blanchard, Miss Lucas…" He was nodding at her, she went red as a tomato. „And… I don't think we have met before have we?" „Emma Swan." „Emma? What a lovely name. Enjoy your food." He then turned around and walked outside.

I relaxed, I had not even noticed that I was so tensed. „The guy freaks me out every time", Ruby said. „I am glad he is gone." MM only nodded at this. Ruby changed the subject quickly.

„So, Emma's a sheriff now?" „I am only Graham's deputy." „I think he sort of likes you. I have never seen Graham around a woman, I was starting to believe he his gay." „We are just friends." „Sure. But we have to celebrate this!" MM and I bandied looks. I could see that she was also not that fond of partying or going out. Ruby seemed to notice our faces too.

„Come on, guys, we have to celebrate this! Emma is staying in Storybrooke AND she has a new job AND she is your new roommate." MM answered exhausted: „Ruby, I had a long day at school and tomorrow I have this field trip with the children, I don't want to be tired then. Another time okay?" She smiled at Ruby apologetically. „Fine. But Emma you cannot let me down." Crab, I don't have any excuses other than I am in no mood to go. „I don't know… I am not into this kind of stuff." „Please, I know of a party tonight, we have to go!"

She looked at me with her large puppy eyes. „Okay." „Yeah." She was hopping around, giggling and screaming. „I pick you up at nine then. And Emma?" „Yeah?" „Wear something pretty." I rolled my eyes. „See you tonight. I have to go back to work or Granny will kill me."

—

I was standing in front of my closet, I had absolutely nothing to wear. I grabbed everything I owned and threw it onto the bed. I possessed one dress but I hated it that's why I flung it on the floor. The pile of clothes on the floor grew bigger and bigger. I finally found this black blouse in which my boobs were good displayed but not too much. It had semi-transparent sleeves. I wore tight black jeans and red heels.

I put on some make-up to cover the now yellow and green bruises in my face. When I was ready I walked outside of my room. „Woah, Emma. You look beautiful." „Thanks, MM." „Have a good night." „Next time you have to come too. I will be the only one acting adult-like." „It won't be that bad." „Hopefully." The doorbell was ringing.

„Good night, MM." She was smiling at me. I grabbed my red leather jacket and left. „Hey, Emma." Ruby was examining me from my feet to my face. „Emma, I did not know you had such curves. You look amazing." She seemed to be a bit pissed and jealous. That somehow made me feel good. A little bit.

„Who's party is it?" „I am not sure." „You did not even get invited?" „That's not how it works." „But all your friends will be there?" „I hope so." I did not really want to go after she said this. It's going to be a looooong, boring night.

I could hear the party music two blocks away. Ruby took my hand and dragged me forward faster. We entered the house. There were people everywhere, some drunken guys were lying on the floor already, others were making out. „Give me your jacket, I will stow them away safely. Wait here." She was almost screaming because the music was so loud, my ears were already ringing. I nodded and grabbed the next best drink I could get. I would not survive this sober.

When I had my second drink, I began to wander around since I was tired of waiting for Ruby. There was no one here I knew, just as I thought. Most of them looked younger than 21 but hey, I was not her as a deputy and I officially was not a deputy yet. I was here to have fun.

And then I saw him. He was talking with some girl. He was head-banging to the music. He was whispering something in the ear of the brunette, making her laugh. He pulled her onto the „dance floor", when you could even describe it as that. His hands were roaming over her body. She was shaking her hips seductively. They were so close, I doubted that you could put a piece of paper between them. He was spinning her around, his eyes never leaving hers.

My blood was boiling now. I could guess that my face was flushed because of the anger. I was glad it was so dark in here. I screwed the empty plastic cup up and threw it on the floor. What did you expect Emma? He was a guy! Hell, he was the greatest womanizer you have ever met.

I could not stop watching them. I wanted to throw up. Gods, I hated him so much. Hated how he made me feel. This should not anger me at all. But it did. Suddenly, someone was nudging me, I turned around to look in Ruby's face. „Emma, there you are, I was searching for you. Come on, we need another player for our game." „With pleasure." I shot another angry glare at the couple on the dance-floor and then I followed Ruby in another room. She closed the door behind us.

I sat down on a chair, someone handed me another drink. I sipped and my mouth burnt because it was so strong. Ruby sat down on the lap of some guy who I had never seen before. „So what are we playing?" „Truth or dare, of course." „I did not know there had to be a certain amount of people playing this game." I spit back sarcastically. Just as I thought, this was just a kindergarden party. „But it is more fun if I am not the only girl." I looked around and she was right, except of us two there were only boys.

„What are the rules?", a guy asked. Ruby's red lips curled into a smile. „If you don't answer or don't do what is asked of you, you have to strip out of one piece of your clothes and do a shot." This was so childish. I stood up. „Emma, don't go, it's only for fun. Don't be such a stick-in-the-mud." Reluctantly, I sat back, taking a huge sip of my drink. „Well, looks like someone has to hand me another drink."

Ruby was smiling at me. „Let's start then." Some guys were first, most of them taking truth. What pansies. I did not really listen to what they were questioned. They were all so boring. I emptied one drink after the other, having given up to count them.

Then it was my turn, I was intoxicated a lot by the time. Ruby was whispering something in the ears of the guy she was sitting on.

„Emma, tru…" „Dare", came out of my mouth without hesitation. He was grinning widely. „I hoped you would pick dare. I dare you to dance on the kitchen table where everyone can see you and while dancing, hit on some guy." „No, I won't do that." „Well, then take of your blouse." There was no way in hell I would take of my shirt since everyone could see the insertion point of the portacath. I stood up and walked out of the room, everyone following me.

Everyone was cheering, most of them had not thought I would do it. Ruby was talking to the Dj, maybe asking for a special song. Everyone was looking, since the whole group was following me, dirty grins on their faces. „Help me up." Someone grabbed me by the hips and lifted me onto the table.

I waited for a sign to start. Should I just begin? But then Ruby nodded at me and I heard what I thought was one of Britney Spear's songs. I was bad at remembering music titles but I was sure I heard it before. Maybe in one of the many bars I had spent my time. Not for fun but because I was searching for people. Most of the time guys.

I tried to get carried away by the music. I was shaking my hips in time to the music. My curls were swinging around me. I let my hands wander over my body. Everyone was yelling my name. I turned around, so everyone could see my ass. I spun around again and saw his blue eyes watching me.

At first, I did not want to hit on some guy, I believed that they all would forget about that when I danced. But now that he was here, I thought, that what he could do, I could do better.

I dropped to my knees. I was gripping some guy by his collar and dragging him towards me. The guys were roaring even more. The guy was so close to my face, I could smell the alcohol on him. When he tried to kiss me, I pushed him back on a chair and jumped off of the table. I was shaking my hips lasciviously in front of him, turning around and bending down and slowly raising again. Then I sat on his lap, grinding my hips against his.

I placed his hands on my hips and let him interact a bit. I did not look the guy in the eyes, instead my eyes were locked with Killian's. It was as if only the two of us existed. I did not see another except the guy in whose lap I was sitting.

_This time I'm ready, no need to wait_

_My body is calling yours to me_

_Surrender to me your body and soul_

He was watching me with a hunger in his eyes. I could feel the boy's hand wandering to my breasts. Killian looked as if he wanted to walk over to us, punch the guy in the face and take over his place. If I had not been drunk, I would have been satisfied with that angered gaze and I would have stopped the guy. But not today. I placed my hand over his and brought it up to my breast.

He was caressing my right breast and kissing my neck. I closed my eyes if I was enjoying this. I was good at playing a part.

But then I could feel his other hand wandering under my shirt. That was enough for me. I pushed myself off of him.

I stood up and yelled: „I guess it's my turn now." I grabbed a bottle of tequila. While opening it with my mouth, I pushed the most ugliest guy I could find on the desk and pulled his shirt up, pouring the liquid into the guy's navel.

„Ruby, I dare you to drink from this guy's navel and lick him clean." Ruby was laughing. „Emma, you cannot be serious." „Well you heard my challenge." „I rather take of my shirt." And she did. Everyone was turning to her now, looking at her black lace bra. „Shot time", she was yelling.

She handed me a shot and we emptied it in one gulp. „I had no idea you were such fun, Emma." „I would have never believed you would be such a pussy." „Hey, you did not even give me a choice between truth or dare." „Where is the fun in truth?" I grinned at her.

Then I saw Killian approaching us. „Ruby, I must go to the toilet. Come with me?" Without waiting for her answer, I dragged her through the crowd. My ears were ringing because of the music. My head was spinning a bit. I have not drunken that much in a long time.

After I checked a few doors, I finally found the bathroom. I closed the door behind us and let out a sigh of relief. „I thought you had to use the toilet?" „No, I just wanted to…refresh myself." „Can you please step behind the shower curtain?" „Why?" „Well, I have to pee and I won't do it in front of your eyes." I stepped into the bathtub and drew the curtain.

Hearing her pee, was strange. It felt too intimidate. I did not think we were that far in our friendship. Or would ever be. Suddenly, I felt a bit dizzy, I stumbled and fell down, ripping the curtain off. Ruby was starring at me, sitting on the toilet. Then we both had to laugh. I looked away, giving her her private time. After she finished, she helped me up.

She lit what looked like a joint. She handed it to me. „No thank you." „Come on, I cannot smoke it alone. And you only live once." She hit a sore spot. And it also stood on the other list I have made. Okay, it was only a theoretical list, but hey, I never have done drugs before. What was the point of dying when you could not do what killed everyone else? What could possibly happen?

I took it from her and took a drag. I never have tasted something quite like it. I tried another drag and then handed it back to Ruby. „Finally someone in Storybrooke who is not boring. I like you, Em."

„I need some fresh air." „I will finish this first." Omg, what have I done? I have taken drugs. Maybe if my mind had not been so clouded by the alcohol I would never have gotten persuaded by her. Well, she did not have to do much persuading.

I walked through the crowd again. I could see Graham. I was surprised he was here. I never would have thought he was the guy for such parties. I walked over to him. I wrapped my arms around him from behind. My body close to his.

He spun around, looking angry. His face softened when he saw me. „Emma. You here?" I giggled. Was that the drugs? „Dance with mee, pleeeease?" Gosh, I sounded so silly even in my own ears. „Sure."

Graham made me laugh the whole time because he was doing silly dance moves. „You look and behave different today." „That's just because…" „Because?" „I don't think I can tell you sheriff." „Come on, Emma, I am your friend." „I have just taken drugs", I whispered in a low voice.

„What? How much did you take?" „Not much… I don't know… I am not that clued up about that stuff." „Yeah, me neither. Are you feeling … high yet?" „I am not sure. How long does it usually take to kick in?" The door to the bathroom swung open and Ruby stepped out. It seemed like she was fishing for something in the air. „I would say about that long", he said to me. I had to giggle again.

„Look, I'll drive you somewhere, you know, to keep you out of trouble." I was nodding at him.

„Wait outside, I'll go catch Killian." Before I could reply anything, he was gone. Why did he have to get Killian of all people? Couldn't he handle it alone? Then my gaze fell to Ruby again. Okay, if I turned like her, than maybe it would be hard for him to handle us both. I took Ruby by the hand and went outside.

Ruby was spinning around. „Isn't it a wonderful night." I looked up and saw the stars shining above our head. „Yeah it is." My world was spinning again. All colors seemed to be more intense, the music and other noises even louder. I could see fireworks before my eyes.

Then Graham walked outside, Killian, along with him. They had our jackets with them. How did they find them? I did not even knew where Ruby put them. Mysterious.

I did not look at Killian. I was trying to look concentrated while putting my jacket on and I did not really have to play a part, it was difficult. I just could not find the right whole for my arm. Graham helped me. „Come on, let's go." His sheriff-car parked in front of the house. He got into the driver's seat and I hurried to get next to him, so that I did not have to sit in the back with Killian.

Ruby was singing a song in the back, the others of us did not talk. We came to a halt what looked like the middle of the forest. „So, there is no one around here. You can go nuts now." Ruby giggled. „I don't want to go crazy." She opened the door and walked outside. She suddenly climbed up the car.

The boys got outside and I jumped out too. „I will just be up here." „What are you doing, get down here Ruby!", Graham said annoyed. Both Killian and Graham had their arms outstretched in case she was falling. I walked away from them, no one noticing. I could hear them talk tough.

„Get down here, now!" „Are you going to make me, Killian?" „No, I am just going to tell you." „Fine. Give me your hand." And then I was out of reach.

Killian:

Graham and I had helped Ruby down. She was totally high. She stumbled and made strange noises. It was kinda funny watching her. I looked around: „Where is the Swan girl?" „I do not know she was there a second ago. We gotta go after her." „We did not see which way she went." „We need to find her. NOW!", Graham said, panic in his voice. „She will come back eventually. I mean, there is no danger out there." „Yes, there is." What did he mean? Yes, she was drugged but given Ruby's circumstances, Emma could not have gotten that much. I gave Graham a confused look. „Graham?" „I am not supposed to tell you." „Tell me what?" He paused a moment, but then said quietly, almost a whisper: „She has cancer."

Everything made click than. She fainted. The bad looking bruises. Her pale skin. The fever. My world shattered into millions of pieces. I needed to find her. Every other thought was washed out of my brain. Even the pictures of her dance were forgotten, the dreams about her dancing only for me that way and having sex with her were pushed back. And I was constantly thinking about sex. Especially having sex with her. So this meant something. My heart started racing.

I ran away, leaving Graham and Ruby behind. I screamed her name on top of my lungs. „EMMA!" Where did that stupid woman go? Why did she put her life in danger? How should I find her? It was so dark, I had problems with seeing my own hand before my eyes. I tried to scream louder.

And then I saw her, lying on the ground. My heart skipped a beat. Was she unconscious? I rushed to her side. I touched her cheek, slapping it softly, hoping, no praying, that she would wake up.

Emma:

I opened my eyes and saw Killian starring at me, concern in his eyes. „Are you alright?", he asked, almost desperate. And then I knew that he knew about my illness. He gave me the same look like all the others. I could nearly hear him saying: „You poor thing." I could relinquish the pity everyone gave me. Pitying me does not change anything, it only made me feel worse.

„Love?" I closed my eyes and whispered: „I am not ill today, okay?" I patted on the floor next to me. After a while he lay down. I could see that he had a million questions but I probably would not answer one, not today nor any other day. „Isn't it beautiful here?" I asked him without expecting an answer. Or maybe expecting another pickup line. But he stayed silent. So I took his hand in mine and just looked in the sky. He squeezed my hand gently.

The sun was rising slowly. He was about to say something but I said: „Shhh. The sunrise is a rare thing. You can see it only once a day. Let me enjoy it." The sun painted everything orange. I have never seen a sunrise quite like it.

After a while, we both got up. He lifted me up, carrying me bridal style. „I have two healthy legs, I can walk on my own." „Aye, but you are drugged and drunk. And you have a talent for being clumsy and getting yourself into danger." „I am not clumsy." Nonetheless, I rested my head on his shoulder and let him carry me. His breathing calmed me, his heartbeat soothed me. I could not keep my eyes open anymore. I did not even try to fight it and I fell asleep, feeling relaxed and safe in his arms.


	4. There is a storm raging inside

**So another chapter. It basically follows canon, yet I kind of think it sucks although it is important for later chapters. Tell me what you think about it :) Thank you for reading and following and favoriting and reviewing my story :)**

**Chapter 3: There is a storm raging inside, I try to calm it down **

When I woke up, my head was in pain. I also felt thirsty, like I was going to die of thirst any minute now. I wanted to stand up but I became giddy. I looked down on myself. I still wore the same clothes as yesterday. I heard a soft knock on the door. „Yeah?" The door to my room was opened. „Good, you are finally awake." MM was carrying a tablet with her on which a glass of water and some breakfast was placed.

She put it in front of me. „How are you feeling? When Killian brought you, you were totally passed out. I was worried about you." She was worried about me? „I am sorry. I guess the party yesterday went out of control." I took the glass of water and emptied it at once. „How late is it?" „Past midday." „What? I had my first day at work today! Graham will be pissed." „He said you should take the day off." You make a good impression, Emma. I was so angry at myself.

„What happened anyway?" „I have a bit of a loss of my memory." I remembered every second of the last night but I did not want to share it with MM. It was too embarrassing considering that I had been complaining about being the only adult at the party. „Maybe Ruby could help." „I doubt that." „Here, have something to eat." „It looks so delicious, MM, but I fear if I eat I will throw up."

„Try at least some. It's my special hangover-breakfast." Only because it was MM, I took a few bites. „How was your vacation to the hospital with the kids?" Her face was pale. „What is it?" „Henry, he believes he has found your father." It took a few moments for me to realize she was talking about Prince Charming.

„There is this man in the hospital, he has no identity and Henry swears that he has the same scar on his face just as Prince Charming in the book. He asked me if I knew him since…" „Since he believes you are Snow White." „Yeah. But I told him, that I have never seen him before. I only bring him flowers because he is in coma. I pity him. There is no one around. He seems to have appeared out of nowhere." I will never tell MM about my illness. Never! She would be the worst person, she would be totally cancer obsessive. She would be everything I did not need. I needed a friend, not someone who reminded me of my illness constantly.

„So what's the big deal?" „He asked me to read for John Doe to make him remember. I am not sure if I should do that. Sounds like a stupid idea since the doctor's see no chance that he is waking up again or that he even hears what we are saying." „I have an idea, MM. Henry has a very active imagination, which is the point. I can't talk him out of his beliefs, so we need to show him. Play along, do what he says and maybe, just maybe …" „He'll see that fairy tales are just that. That there's no such thing as love at first sight or first kiss. He'll see reality."

No, she was wrong. There was love at first sight but other than in fairytales you someday grow out of your lovey-dovey phase and reality hits you. Hard. „Something like that." „Well, sadly this plan is rather genius. We get him to the truth without hurting him." „You don't have to do this." „Oh, I will. I want to help Henry. I am getting ready now for my date, I guess, I have to do all the talking." I was laughing hard, regretting it, because my head was aching as hell.

After I had a coffee, I walked Henry home from school. I went to the diner and ordered a cocoa. Ruby was no where to be seen, I guess she had worse symptoms than me.

Granny was handing me the cocoa. „Thank you." I sat down on a desk. Suddenly, Regina came into the diner, looking pleased. Without asking, she took the chair across from myself.

„How was your walk with Henry? That's right - I know everything. But relax. I don't mind." „You don't?" She gave me a wicked smile. „No, because you no longer worry me, Miss Swan. You see, I did a little digging into who you are. And what I found out was quite soothing." Oh no, maybe she got hold of my health record, then she knew for 100% that she did not have to fear me. „It all comes down to the number seven." What was she talking about?

But I just played her game. She was to sure of herself to not tell me. „Seven?" „It's the number of addresses you have had over the last decade. Your longest in anywhere was two years. Really, what did you enjoy so much about Tallahasse?" Neal. Why did she have to bring up Tallahasse of all the places I have lived. She glared at me, knowingly, as if she could read my mind. I would not let her win. „If you were wondering, I did find a place here in town."

„I know. With Miss Blanchard. How long is your lease? Oh, wait. You don't have one. You see my point? In order for something to grow, Miss Swan, it needs roots. And you? Don't have any. People don't change. They only fool themselves into believing they can." I guess Graham did not tell her about my job. And MM and I were just discussing about the lease. She did not know me at all. Why is everyone so convinced that people cannot change?

„You don't know me." „I think I do. All I ask, is as you carry on your transient life, you think of Henry and what's best for him. Perhaps consider a clean break. It's going to happen anyway. Enjoy your cocoa." She stood up and left the diner.

She had a point though, considering Henry. It had to happen, it was inevitable. I was leaving him. Not because I wanted to but because I was forced to. I had to leave him before things got worse with me. I had played with the mug in my hand. It suddenly slipped, its content spilling onto me.

Maybe I really was clumsy. I stood up. Granny handed me a cloth. „Do you have a laundry room I can use?" Granny was vaguely into a direction.

When I found the laundry room, I took of my shirt and threw it into the washer. I heard someone desperately saying: „Oh no, no no no. Please no!" I quickly grabbed a shirt and put it on so that the heavily pregnant girl would not see my portacath.

„You okay there?" And then Ashley and I got into talking. She reminded me so much of myself. No parents to support you, your boyfriend turning his back on you. She was alone. It was only going to be her and the baby. And of course, all those who thought they knew better, who thought they could say something and miraculously everything will work out fine. But these people knew nothing.

I looked at her and said: „Everyone loves to tell you what you can and can't do, especially with a kid. But ultimately, whatever you're considering doing or giving up, the choice is yours." „It's not exactly what you might think it is." „ It never is. People are going to tell you who you are your whole life. You just got to punch back and say, 'no, this is who I am.' You want people to look at you differently? Make them. If you want to change things, you're going to have to go out there and change them yourself, because there are no fairy godmothers in this world."

She asked me if it had hurt. I could see the panic in her eyes. She was nearly in tears. I never have been like her, since I have ignored my pregnancy as best as I could. I did not want to have feelings for the baby inside of me, so that I could give it away without regret. Although I regretted it.

I told Ashely, that it was not that awful as movies like to display it. And that there were many doctors and nurses to help her through it. „Thank you, Emma." „You are welcome."

—

On the next day I went into the station. There was a cake on the desk and Graham standing behind it with a party hat on his head. „Really?" „It's your first day. Let me be sentimental." „Actually, my first day was yesterday." „Don't speak of that. You really got carried away at the party." I blushed. I was too embarrassed to say something.

Suddenly, someone came into the station. I recognized him as Mr. Gold. „Ah, just the person I was looking for." I could see a cut on the side of his head. „Miss Swan, I am Mr. Gold, we have met briefly." „I remember." „Good. I need your help. I am looking for someone." „You are?" „Yeah, she stole something very precious of me." „She?" „Ashley Boyd." Oh no. I could feel guilt rising up in my stomach. Maybe I should not have been that enthusiastic with my speech.

Now Graham stepped towards us: „When did you last see her?" „Yesterday, when she knocked me unconscious, always saying that she wanted to change her life. Will you help me?" „Of course we will."

—

„Henry you cannot come with us." „Then I will go looking for her myself." Graham chuckled. I was really getting annoyed. „Then I'll find you and bring you back." „Then you are not helping the maid." „I am trying to be responsible, here!" „And I am just trying to spend time with you." Graham intervened: „Let him come. We will both keep an eye on him. Nothing will happen."

„That is hardly fair of the two of you." „Just get in the car, Emma, we need to find a maid", Henry said. He got into the sheriff's car. „Well, he has a point." „Where do we start looking for her?" „I did not say anything in front of Mr. Gold but I have met Ashley yesterday." „Where?" „At the diner."

—

We walked into the diner, I thought to start asking Ruby. I was looking for her but could not see her in the front. Granny sent me back into the laundry room, I heard talking, so I sneaked my way back. I was looking round the corner.

There Ruby was standing, her body pressed against Killian's. That. son. of. a. bitch.

„Now…you cannot tell me you did not enjoy it that time." „Very well." His hand was running through her hair. „I am an honest man." His lips were so close to hers. His hand lay on the small of her back. „Your pretty face buys you a lot … but not my time anymore." He pushed her back. „And I have told you that before Ruby, so stop flirting with me. It gets annoying."

I have never seen him like that. So cold. I guess, all his attention towards me only existed because I was new in Storybrooke. Given this conversation with Ruby he most certainly had had dalliances with most of the women here. So I was the only challenge he could get.

What has made him that way? To never seek something real, no relationship, no family. I know what my story is, but I was curious about his.

He was coming right in my direction. I hopped around the corner, praying that he would take the other direction and would not see me. When the noise of his footsteps faded, I went into the laundry room. Ruby was in tears.

„Hey Emma." „You okay?" „Yes, I… just another fight with Granny." She brushed away the tears. „Did you want anything from me?"

Ruby sent us to the home of Ashley's boyfriend, we talked to the boy's father. He revealed to us that Mr. Gold was after Ashley's baby. I totally got, why she had hurt him. That bastard, coming to us with false pretense!

We sat into the car, I was burning with anger. Henry was in the backseat. „She must be Cinderella. Stepsisters, stepmom." „Henry, not now." „You cannot make double cross Gold, no one has ever broken a deal with him." „Well, I am glad I am the first. If Ashley wants to have this baby, she is going to have it."

—

„Why didn't you tell me she sold the baby, Ruby? I thought we were friends." „I did not think it was important. And she is my friend too. I did not want her to get judged by people." „You thought I would judge her?" And I could see something flicker in her eyes. She has never believed that, I could sense it. So what other reason is there that she lied to me? And then I got it. She sent me to the father to give Ashley a head-start.

„Where is she going?" „What?" She now looked at me as if I had punched the truth out of her. „You have to tell me. I am going to help her, I promise. And I keep my promises." „She said she wanted to go to Boston." „How long is she gone?" „About half an hour." „Thanks, Ruby. Next time, trust me from the beginning!"

—-

I was worried about the girl. Not that I believed Henry when he said that no one can leave Storybrooke and that bad things happen then. No, she was heavily pregnant. She should not be driving on her own. Graham had a serious expression on his face. „What's there?" „That's her car. See, I told you Emma, bad things happen!"

I jumped out of the car, Graham was not even parking yet. „ASHLEY!" She was not in the car. Please, let me find her! I heard someone moaning. I headed in the direction of the noise. „Ashley?" „The baby! It's coming!"

—-

She wanted this kid. She was ready. I could see it in her eyes. She already loved it. And that's why I could not deny it to her. She should get happy, even if it was only going to be her and the baby.

Henry and I were sitting in the waiting room. A plan was forming in my head. The doctor approached us. „Miss Swan. Baby is a healthy six pound girl and the mother is doing fine." I was smiling, and then I heard the clicking of his cane. He arrived just in time. How did he do that? Who told him she was here?

„What lovely news. Excellent work, Miss Swan. Thank you for bringing me my merchandise." I wanted to punch him in the face. What kind of person was he? Buying a baby.

„You are not going to get this baby. I won't allow that." He was smiling at me. „ You know no jury in the world will put a woman in jail, whose only reason for breaking and entering was to keep her child. I'm willing to roll the dice that contract doesn't stand up. Are you? Not to mention what might come out about you in the process. Somehow, I suspect, there is more to you than a simple pawn broker. You really want to start that fight?"

„I like you, Miss Swan. You're not afraid of me, that's either cocky or presumptuous. Either way, I'd rather have you on my side." „So she can keep the baby?" „Not just yet. There's still the matter of agreement with Miss Boyd." „Tear it up." „That's not what I do. If you want Ashley to have that baby, you must be willing to make a deal with me."

„What do you want?" „Oh, I don't know yet. You' ll owe me a favor." I hated owing favors, but Ashley deserved this. i had to do what was right. „Deal."

—-

I was sitting at the diner, drinking a glass of orange juice. It was nearly empty. „Thanks for helping Ash, I never should have doubted you, Emma." „You kind of hurt my feelings, but it's good for you that I am already over it since seeing Ashley with the baby." „I am really glad. And I am going to make it up to you." „How?" „It's a surprise. It will hit you when you least expect it." „You just made the surprise up, didn't you?" „Come on. I did not think you would be angry at all. But I could start with a cocoa with cinnamon." „Deal."

Suddenly, someone was sitting next to me. „I heard of your feat today, love. I cannot believe you stood up to Mr. Gold." Ruby slammed the cocoa in front of me, shooting daggers at Killian. She did not even ask him if he wanted to have something, she walked away and ignored him. And he deserved that. But he ignored her reaction as well. „What would I give to go back in time and see his face!"„Oh, I can assure you it was not that funny. He looked rather pleased. Maybe he was tired of all the pansies here in town who fear him", I teased him.

„I am no pansy. I have crossed lines with Gold more than once." „Really?" „Yeah, I just cannot stand him, given our history." „What did he do?" „It's a long story, I rather talk about something else."

„So you are the sheriff's deputy now?" „Yes. Thanks to Graham. I do not even know how he convinced Regina." He murmured something which made me suspicious. Did he knew something? But I did not want to press the subject.

„You know, I never got the chance to thank you for bringing me home." „Perhaps gratitude is in order now." „That's what the thank you was for." He was smirking at me again, showing me his perfect teeth. I have never seen someone as beautiful as him and yet … I would never let myself fall for anyone again. But why did he make me feel this way? Like thousands of butterflies were fighting in my stomach, it nearly hurt.

„Let me show you something." „What?" „Try something new, Darling, it's called trust. I promise you, you will like it. When do you have time?"

I could not believe myself when I blurted out: „Now is good." „You are very eager. Sounds like you only waited for me to ask you out." „To make it clear, this is not a date." „Whatever you say." „Let's go then."

He grabbed my hand. „Where are we going?" „I won't tell until we are there." I was nervous. Why did I accept? Did I really want to open up to him even more? He already knew I was ill. Shit, maybe he would only talk about that. I already regretted coming with him.

We were heading to the docks. He stopped in front of a sailboat and jumped onto it. Ah, so that's why he owned so many paintings of the sea. He was a sailor. He offered me his hand to help me get onto the boat.

He was busy, preparing the boat, so that we could sail. I have never been on a boat before so I really did not know what he was doing. I just watched him. Then the wind was howling and the boat started gliding over the water. Only a few minutes later, Storybrooke lay far behind us.

He sat next to me. „It's wonderful." It truly was. I loved being out here. „I am glad you like it. Want something to drink?" I nodded. He handed me a bottle of champagne. „Sorry, but I do not have glasses on board." „But a bottle of champagne?" „Aye, for special occasions."

„I think I will pass. Bad experience lately." He chuckled. „What was into you anyway? Looked like you wanted to make me jealous. Again." „That was not my intention", blushing. „But I am curious though. Did it work?" I bit my tongue. Emma, why did you ask! Sometimes you are so stupid! He was facing me. „I guess you will never know since you ran away from me at the party."

„I did not run." „It looked like the devil was after you." Maybe he was. „I needed the bathroom." „Of course." He was playing with a strand of my hair. Sometimes he was killing me, like now. When he was this near to me.

„Why did you take the drugs?" „I do not know that myself. It was on my list and I did not really think about it." „You have a list?" „Yeah, it was the stupid idea of my doctor after I quit the chemotherapy." I did not know why I could talk with him so freely about this. No one knew that there was a list. Okay, there was not literally a list since I threw it away, but there was a list in my head.

„And what else is on the list?" „Too many things, the list just keeps growing in my head." „You can work the list off eventually." And then I realized it. He thought that I could be saved. What he really meant was: You can work the list off when you are cured. I tensed and pulled away from him.

He looked at me questioningly, one eyebrow up. „You okay?" „Yes, we should head back now, it's getting dark." „As you wish."

He was getting up and began to steer the ship back. I stood at the front of the boat, watching the ocean. I clutched myself because it was cold. The wind ruffled my hair. I had started to cry silently, not facing him, so that he would not notice. I prayed that the wind took my tears with him. It was hard to hold the sobs back.

I saw a big wave approaching the boat, before I could get ahold of something, it hit the boat which made me stumble backwards. I tripped over something and landed on my back. I was cursing, the tears still flooding my eyes.

He was leaning over me. He saw the tears. „Did you hurt yourself?" He helped me sit up, his face only inches away from mine, our noses nearly touching. „No, I was just clumsy." „And you are crying because you are clumsy?"

I starred into his blue eyes, they always make the butterflies in my stomach flutter, although I would never admit this out loud. He made me feel this way. He made me want more. But this could never be. „Because you don't understand. And I fear also Graham misunderstood something." „Why do you bring up Graham now?" He said, with his lips nearly touching mine. I could almost feel the words on my skin because he was breathing them. I just had to lean a bit forward and our lips would be touching. I wondered if he had soft lips. What would they feel like? I nearly gave into the urge to kiss him.

Instead I was saying: „Because I made a mistake." „What mistake?" „You cannot save me. I am running out of time."

Now it was him who pulled away. I had wanted to kiss him so badly now but I have not expected anything else than this reaction. His actions just showed me what I have known all along. I am dying. I am not worth spending your time with, I am not worth the effort. The ocean is big and has so many other fishes to offer. Why waste your time on me, when you could save yourself the pain?

And given his looks, he could have anyone. Emma, you should not care. You know this guy for how long now? A few weeks. He is just a stranger to you. And you to him as well. In his life you are only going to be a passer-by, not leaving any memories behind. He will forget you.

You know exactly who you are, Emma, and who you will always be. An orphan. A loner. Someone who draws misfortune, who is not allowed to get a happy ending. But my life story had - at least - something positive: I was used to it by now. I brushed away the tears and stood up. Put on a mask and pretend everything is fine.

He still was kneeing on the floor. A blank expression on his face. When he finally snapped out of it, he reminded me of my doctors, of the people in the support groups I went, simply of everyone that got to know that I was dying. He pitied me and feared me at the same time since he did not know how to deal with me.

They could not understand and how should they? Being condemned to death does not make you braver. You fear death even more than all the other people because it was so graspable. And everyone who talked to you was afraid to say something wrong, to make you shatter like glass just with their words. But this treatment does not help anyone. At least, it was not, what I needed.

He was lost for words. He has never stayed silent that long. I walked towards him, offering him my hand. He looked like a kid who was lost. He starred at my hand, almost as if he was afraid of touching me. „You don't have to look at me like that. I am dying. It's not contagious." I helped him up.

He opened his mouth and closed it again. My heart was aching but I did not show it. „Take me back now, please."

As soon as we reached the shipping pier, I jumped off the boat. He did not even go after me. I could feel the tears burning behind my eyes again, but I blinked them away. This was such a huge mistake. I thought I could forget my illness, but I could not. It was standing between me and the world. How could I open up to people when all they did was leave me because they were afraid.

I could understand them. If I could, I would run away too. But other than they, I had no choice.—

It was dark outside. The cold was creeping into my bones. I did not want to go home right now. I was too shaken. I probably would cry in front of MM and I did not want her to know about all of this. So I tried to cool my mind with walking.

It had started raining heavily. I saw a little girl jumping into a puddle, her mother was angry at first, but joined her then. They were smiling and laughing. It reminded me of the happier days of my childhood. There was a time when I had a - sort of - mother too. She loved me and she was willing to adopt me. Anna. For me she was the most precious person. There was just one problem: her husband.

He was an alcoholic, intoxicated when he got home from wherever he had spent the day. I feared him since he beat me more than once, although Anna took the beats for me, protecting me from him. He had hurt us both so much. But still, her eyes were filled with love when she spoke about him. She did not want to loose him.

For a while, it was fine for the two of us. We were happy, being everything we have dreamed of for one another. She took me to the zoo and she also jumped into the puddles with me.

But one time he got home, more drunken than ever. Anna was not there, she was out shopping. He had never been home this early. I tried to hide from him but he found me. He beat me, until my eyes were so swollen that I could not see anymore. My whole body was sore and ached. He would have killed me if I had not done anything. I pushed him away from me, he fell down the stairs, hitting his head. He was dead when the ambulance arrived.

I thought everything would work out fine now that he was gone but Anna was mourning him. In her grieve she started to become like him, only that she did not beat me, but she destroyed me with her words. She called me a murderer. She said I was the one who took the happiness from her life. I tried to hold onto her for as long as I could, wanting to bring her joy again, just as the times we used to had.

But one day, she took me for another vacation. She took me to the amusement park. She was also smiling. We bought cotton candy. After that, I wanted to take a ride on the ferries wheel. She said she was not feeling well because of the cotton candy and that I should go alone. I was a child, believing her every word. That she would wait for me. That she loved me.

I was sitting on the ferries wheel and going higher and higher up. It started raining. When I got down again, she was not there. I waited for hours, believing she would come back. My clothes were drenched. I was freezing. But I did not cry. I put all my hopes into her. I had loved her like I would have loved my own mother. She betrayed me.

After hours of waiting, the lady of the child protective services which had visited us from time to time was kneeling in front of me. „Hello Emma. Do you remember me?" I knew exactly why she was there. That Anna did not want me any longer, I had lived this through a million times. „She will come back! I just know it!" I said eagerly.

„Emma, I am sorry. But she won't come back."

Someone was standing in front of me. I said: „She won't come back." „Emma? What are you talking about? Who won't come back?" Graham said. I snapped out of my daydream. „Sorry, I was distracted." „Are you okay? You are soaking wet." Then I realized he had put an umbrella above our heads. „I am fine, don't worry."

But I could feel my feet shaking, my world was spinning again. I passed out.


	5. Is this a dream or is this my lesson?

**Omg, I cannot say how freaking awesome the last episode of OUAT was! I am so excited that we will get to see a Captain Swan date! :D :D **

**Thanks again for all your support :) I hope you like it and I am sorry but I had to do it (read and you will understand! :( )**

**Chapter 4: Is this a dream or is this my lesson?**

When I was unconscious, I had another dream of Anna and her husband. He was beating me and she was just watching, she herself was also beaten up. But she just starred at him beating the shit out of me. I was crying, asking for her help over and over again. She smiled at me with a wicked grin and said: „It's going to be fine. Don't worry." And then it hit me, this was no dream. It was a memory. As a little kid I had always thought that she loved me, but she only had me because of the money. She let him beat me, she was glad I was there, so he did not hit her. She always made false promises to me, just that I would say everything was fine, staying with them longer, getting more money.

I startled up. Graham looked startled too. I was lying in a bed. His bed I guessed. „What am I doing here?" „You passed out, I brought you here and dressed you since you were soaking wet. Dr. Whale came in to check on you." I realized I was in way too big pajamas. With no underwear. He had seen me naked. I could not help myself from blushing. And somehow I could feel a tugging in my lower regions. „Did you…?" „No, I did not tell him what was up with you. I just wanted to make sure that you are okay." „Thank you."

„Did you have a nightmare?" „Why?" „You were talking in your sleep." Oh no. He touched my forehead. „You still have fever." He patted my head with a wet cloth. „Wanna talk about it?" I did not. So I did what I always did when I was feeling unsure, hurt, alone. I kissed him. He was surprised at first, but returned the kiss eventually. Furthermore, I wanted to feel attractive since Killian had sort of dumped me.

I straddled him, my feet on either side of his body. „Did you see that?", Graham said. „What?" „Never mind." I pulled of my - well, rightfully his - shirt. This was wrong in so many ways. But I always choose sex to feel some comfort. It has always been that way since my first time with Neal. I compensated all the bad feelings, with the feeling of lust, forgetting my worries in the face of pleasure.

Graham was a good guy, I hoped that he would understand that I was not looking for anything else than casual sex. His fingers traced over my body, cupping my breasts, pinching my nipples. I moaned softly. I pulled his shirt up and began leaving kisses alongside his body.

While I did this, my mind did not shut up about Killian. I imagined Graham to be Killian. His eyes turned into blue ones. His hair was growing darker. I was so turned on, seeing Killian instead of Graham. I could nearly see Killian's devilish grin, when he sucked my breasts.

My kisses trailed down until I reached his trousers. I quickly undid the button. But suddenly his hands were grabbing my shoulders, pushing me back, wakening me from my dream that he was Killian.

„I am sorry Emma. But we cannot do this." „I feel fine. It's just fever." I said, trying to kiss him again but he turned his head. „No, I can't. I am seeing someone." „What?" I quickly got up from him. All the lust that I had felt, was washed away. I never have been the other woman and I did not want to change that. It was just against my principles.

„Why didn't you tell me?" „Because I did not think you would approve." And then it doomed upon me. „It's Regina, isn't it?" And from the look he gave me, I knew I was right. I felt sick to the stomach. Where I had touched him, she has too. Where my lips kissed him, she had been first. „Does Henry know?" „No, I sneak out every time." „You do this with Henry in the house?" „He is sleeping, he has not found out yet." „This is disgusting. I wish I was Henry right now." I stood up, not even bothering to put the shirt back on. I slipped into my jacket, zipped it and tried to escape from this weird situation as quick as possible.

„Wait! Can we please talk about this?" „What do you mean?" „I want you to understand…" „I really don't care. You are an adult. I only wish you had told me." „If you would not care, we would not have nearly slept together!" „Oh come on, that would have been just sex! I was not looking for something serious!" „So you just wanted to use me?" „As if that would have bothered you. And let's just forget this has happened at all!"

„Emma, I am so sorry, but when you kissed me… I got carried away. It felt so different than with Regina." „Ugh, can we please stop talking about Regina!" „I did not tell you because I did not want you to look at me like you look at me now." „Why do care how I look at you?" „Because…" He made a step towards me, crushing his lips against mine. But I pushed him away. „Stop it! You just said yourself you are with Regina, I don't want to be the other woman." „I…"

There was a knock on the door and then it flew open. Killian was standing before us. „Am I interrupting anything?" He seemed to be pissed. Gods, why did he always choose this special moments to show up? And why was the door unlocked? What if Regina had walked in on us? She would not have allowed me to see Henry anymore. She would have thought I did this to make her pay for all the worry she caused me and Henry.

„Yeah, you are. I'll talk to you later, Killian." „Actually, Graham and I were finished. I need to go home now." Killian looked at me as if I had ripped his heart out. I realized that I was wearing Graham's pants. I flushed because of the shame I was feeling. I could not look him nor Graham in the eyes. I was so embarrassed with myself. I had had a lot of walk of shames in my life but this was the worst.

Walking past the man I am attracted to and his best friend, with whom I had nearly slept. It occurred to me, that Killian would probably think that we did it. Slept together. My cheeks turned even more red, if that was even possible.

But I did not say anything, I just stormed out of the building, hoping that I would forget this soon, leaving this behind me.

—

I lay on my bed, starring up at the ceiling. Although I was in the mood for crying, not a single tear left my eye. Why did I sabotage my life constantly? Graham was a nice guy, and I liked him a lot, but not in any romantic way. We could have been good friends but now I have destroyed everything.

Not to begin with Killian! But I probably would have messed up anyway. As I knew myself, I would have had sex with him and then crawl behind my wall again. My wall that should protect me from pain, from loss, from sorrow. The first time I had hid behind my wall was after Anna had left me. Whenever I was in a new foster home, I did not even try to be likable to them anymore. I just stayed to myself all the time.

Afraid that if I did or said something wrong, I would be put into the foster home again. That's why I silently endured every verbal and physical attack. I was always searching for a home. But I never found one. Whenever I was put into the children's home again, I did not miss anyone of the foster parents and kids. So I guess, I never really felt at home. And although I did not miss them, piece after piece of myself was destroyed whenever someone was shunting me off into the children's home.

There was only so much hurt that every person could handle. And I have reached the limit. That was the reason for my wall. I was too afraid to grew fond of anyone because I knew that in the end, they would leave me. They would see me for the person I am and go away. And as always I would stay behind, shattered, broken and destroyed.

Suddenly, my phone was ringing. It was Graham. I ignored the phone call. He tried it several times but I did not pick up. I did not want to talk to him or anyone right now. MM burst into my room. „Emma! John Doe has woken up! When he touched my hand I thought I was seeing things but now…" „What are you talking about?" „The coma patient who Henry thought was Prince Charming. He is gone, walked out of the hospital alone. Graham told me that they are searching for him in the woods." „Oh no. Henry's believe will just grow stronger. That was a bad idea." „Are you coming?" „Where are we going?" „In the woods of course."

—

Killian:

Henry and I were at his castle while everyone else was at the hospital due to John Doe, whose real name apparently was David Nolan. Regina had found his wife, Katherine. The poor lass could not even remember anything. I pitted him because of what was expected of him. To return to a life which he had no memories of. To a wife he did not even knew, let alone love.

No one should endure such a fate. Amnesia. Although, thinking of catching the two of them together, he barely dressed, she in his pants, the look of guilt on both of their faces. Maybe it was not so bad to forget after all.

I only volunteered to babysit Henry to distract myself. My mind was consumed by her. All of my thoughts were revolving around her. Emma.

I was randomly picking up some pebble stones and throwing them in different direction. The lass was reading in his old fairytale book. I did not mind not talking. Lately, I was in such a bad mood, I did not want to take it out on him. We always had a good relationship, Henry and me.

I recall meeting him for the first time exactly here at this castle. He was a four year old toddler, not even reaching to my knees. He looked so sad and lost. I could see that he was crying, but as soon as he caught sight of me, he brushed the tears away, putting a mask on his face. I had admired his strength. I asked him what he was doing there all alone.

Then he mentioned that Regina was his mum and that she barely had time for him, that she had once again forgotten to pick him up from kindergarden. He reminded me so much of myself. I also had to grow up fast, because I was abandoned by my father.

I was joking with him, making him smile. From this day forward I always watched over him and whenever I could I spent time with him to make him forget for a few moments who his mother was, what his problems were, that he was a loner.

I wanted to think about Henry more but my mind still was clouded by her. I did not even know why I am so upset. Could I condemn her for being with another? It's not that we had a thing going on. But I thought that we were bonding, that we had some kind of connection.

She was so different than any other woman that I have met. And that is what makes her so appealing to me. She is still a mystery to me. There is so much of her past that she tries to keep, that she does not want to share with anyone. Sometimes she was so straightforward, saying what she was thinking, standing up for someone like she did with Ashley, but there are other times that she entrenches herself behind her walls.

We were similar in so many ways. I never let someone in. I was afraid of feeling something, of getting my heart broken once more. I absently brushed over the tattoo of Milah. She has been the only light in my life, and was taken from me. Suicide, because of her ex-husband, Mr. Gold. I had always blamed him for her death, that's why I thought so poorly of this coward. He had driven her to end her life. She was so desperate although we had been so happy. At least, I was.

I had found her in our apartment. She lay in the bathtub. She was fully dressed. Her head was underwater. The water itself has turned red because of her blood. I reacted quickly, pulling her out to see if she was still alive. But she was dead. Probably for a couple of hours. I sank against the wall, I could not process what I was seeing. I could not cry, I could not move. I was numb. I did not even have the strength to call the police or the ambulance. Whatever. I only called Graham.

He was shocked too since we three had been so close. We were like family.

He asked me what had happened. I could not react to his question. I will forever recall my answer. „I was going to ask her to marry me tonight." As soon as the words had left my mouth, I could feel the weight of the ring in the pocket of my trousers. Graham helped me through the hardest time of my life. He planned her funeral. He was there for me. I will forever be in his depth. I buried the ring, I had bought for her, with her. It should have been hers, so I did not want to deny it her.

After her, I never let myself care for anyone again.

Since Milah was gone, I did not want anyone to see the demons from my past. I always thought it was easier to never let yourself care than actually feeling something and then get hurt. I never again gave it a shot, never took a risk.

Maybe that was also one of the reasons why I did not kiss her on my boat. It was the easier way for me. But she simply caught me off guard. I knew that she was ill, but she never! mentioned that she could not be cured. I did not know that she was dying!

The past days I have realized that I … I cared for her. I was constantly worrying about her, fearing that she might break down alone and her salvation would come too late. I have not asked to feel something, but I could not help it.

When I asked her out (kind of, I never showed any of the others my boat, let alone give them a boating), I surprised myself. It was not what I had intended to say. I actually wanted to persuade her to kiss me, which would have lead to taking her home with me, sleeping with her. But then other words were formed in my mouth, words that my subconscious spoke out loud. As if to tell me, that Emma was something special, to treat her different than all the other women in my life. To let her in. To maybe fall for her. To become happy with her.

On the boat my walls were established again. I told myself to stop before it got too serious. Before there was no going back. I was afraid of the pain. The pain I would have to face when she would be gone, leaving me behind wrecked, unable to deal with the pain, just like with Milah.

Yeah, and of course Milah was the other reason I could not kiss her, because my heart was only reserved for her. I almost felt like betraying her. Not that I have not been with any other woman since her death, no, I have slept with uncountable women but I never felt something with them. It was just to ease my pain. But I feared that if I kissed Emma, it would mean so much more than with the others.

So I backed off.

I was a coward, I knew it the instance she ran away from me, not wanting to show me her pain. She had let me in, she had trusted me with her secret of the list, of her dying, and I destroyed it.

But then again, she ran to Graham. It quite hurt seeing how fast she moved on. Maybe I just had misunderstood something. She was never mine to begin with. Maybe it had always been Graham and I … was just the second cast. All this tension and sexual attraction between us, well, maybe I have imagined it. My wishful thinking has clouded my mind.

And then, Graham knew how much I was attracted to her! I had talked with him about it, several times. How could he sleep with her behind my back? If the two of them wanted to be happy, to become something more serious, he should have talked to me and Regina. Cheating on her… I never thought Graham was capable of that. He has always been the nice guy.

And Emma? She deserved so much more. I did not want to say that I was the better choice, when I certainly was the bad guy in every girl's story that I have ever been with, but seriously, how could she want to be the other woman? She should be with a man who made her every wish come true, with whom she could face her demons and overcome her past.

I have always seen that she has been hurt more than once. A broken soul recognizes another. I have seen it in her eyes. They were so green and so lost. She deserved to be happy.

Suddenly, Henry was saying something. „He must be the Huntsman." „Who are you talking about, mate?" „Graham of course. He has talked to me. He said he was seeing things from another life. I think he is remembering." The Huntsman. Such a noble character, who spared the life of innocent Snow White. A few days ago I would have said it fit perfectly for Graham but not today. He has betrayed me and he has cheated on Regina, although I despised her, no one deserved that. „He said he kissed Emma and then he had a flashback."

So it really was true. Assuming things and proof were two different pair of shoes. Henry sounded rather pleased of the current events. „He wants to feel something again. The evil queen took his heart. He just has to find it again." No, not the evil queen took his heart. To me it looked like Emma has stolen his heart.

„Henry, you never told me which fairytale character you think I am." I did not know why I asked. I knew that the curse thing was silly, but I needed to know if he thought I was a villain or a hero. Maybe then I could understand why Emma chose Graham.

Henry looked at me. „That's because I have not figured it out yet. There are just too many characters. But you have to be one of the good guys." I smiled. „Why do you believe that?" „Because I trust you and I know you, Killian." At least someone who believed in me. „Wanna have something to eat?" „Yeah, while we are eating we can figure out a plan to get MM and David together." „Aren't you a little young to play matchmaker? And David is already married. „They are Snow White and Prince Charming, they belong together or else MM's voice would not have woken him up. We are one step closer to breaking the curse."

—

Emma:

I still avoided Graham, although we had searched for David together. I stood in the hallway watching David and Katherine. MM had left half an hour ago, rather abruptly to my mind. I think something was up. I could see how she looked at him. I should talk to her. Falling for a married man did never work out. Even if the married man could not remember his wife.

Suddenly, someone cleared his throat behind me. I turned around. „You did not answer my calls." „I was busy." Regina was watching us, looking like she wanted to kill us both. „Did you tell Regina?" „No, of course not." He now faced her also, she turned away. „I broke up with her." „You did what?" „It felt so wrong. I did not feel anything with her. At least, not like I felt with you."

Oh no. This conversation was going in the wrong direction. He could be a good friend to me, if we spent more time together. But there would never be something romantically between us since I obviously was attracted to someone else. This one night stand would have been the greatest mistake of my life. Well, maybe I am exaggerating now. I certainly had done a few stupid things in life. Worse than sleeping with Graham.

„Graham, I think you misunderstand something. I don't know what you are looking for but you won't get it with me." „But… in my apartment…." „That was a mistake. I just wanted to feel comfortable…" „And having sex would have helped you?" „No, I just wanted reassurance. I wanted to feel attractive, okay?" He easily could read between the lines now. „So there is another?" „I am sorry. I like you, Graham, but more in a brotherly way."

„Wow, my dignity just went missing. But I think dignity is overrated anyway." „So can you forgive me?" „Maybe, but give me some time, yeah?" „Don't take too long." I said, smiling at him sadly. „I won't. It's hard to be upset with you." He returned the smile.

I squeezed his hand. He was walking back to David and Katherine. He looked at me once more through the glass. I mouthed: „Thank you." He smiled and just shrugged his shoulders.

—

I tossed and turned sleeplessly in my bed. I did not know why I could not find sleep. Maybe because I have not seen Killian in days, I avoided him as best as I could. I did not want to see him for a while. I still felt ashamed about him catching Graham and me. And that he had dumped me.

Or maybe because Graham and my friendship would never be the same although he tried hard. We have been to the rabbit hole several times, drinking and having fun. We worked together and yet… there was standing something between us. I never should have let myself get carried away. I was foolish.

Life is a series of mistakes. Everyone tells you that mistakes are okay because you can learn from them but to me it feels as if I was repeating my mistakes all over again. Whenever I open up to people, whenever I win a friend, I destroy it. It was as if I was sabotaging my own life, as if I was my worst enemy.

Suddenly, my phone was ringing. It was the station. I was wondering why they would call me since I thought I was done with nightshifts. I picked up.

—

I arrived at the cemetery. I still could not believe what I had heard on the phone. A dead body was found, they would not say whose body it was or maybe they had not identified it yet.

As I walked over the cemetery, I could see the blue lights from the ambulance and hear the siren. Although, they confirmed on the phone that they have found a corpse, it was protocol that they sent an ambulance just in case the finder was wrong.

They were all gathered in front of a mausoleum. All of them wearing sad expressions. Regina was sitting on the floor, her back against the wall. She looked lost, tears covering her cheeks. I have never seen her like this.

My first thought was that it was Henry. My heart stopped to beat. My world has stopped moving. But then I saw the corpse covered under a blanket. It was much too big to be Henry. I let out my breath. I had not even realized that I had held it.

I ignored Regina and walked over to the body, where someone was standing. „You must be the sheriff." „No, I am his deputy." He looked a bit surprised and startled. And then I could see pity in his eyes. I knew what this meant. He was dead. That's why I was no deputy anymore.

Slowly, as if in slow motion, I drew the white blanket down. With every bit that was revealed, I could see more of his face. Graham. I could not help myself but cry. I have lost him. He who stood beside me, giving me a job, standing up against Regina. He was my friend. And now he was gone. I would never see him smiling at me again, never hear one of his silly, listless jokes. I could never talk to him, never telling him what he truly meant to me. He was family. He was like a protective brother to me. I loved him.

It took me a while to gather myself. I faced the man again and said: „What happened? Was he assaulted? And why here?" „It does not look like someone has hurt him. We can not say for sure if he was poisoned but it looks like it was because of a natural cause of death. My tip would be that he had a heart attack." „A heart attack? He is so young", realizing that I could not say this anymore, I almost stuttered when I said: „Was so young." „It's rare but it happens. Maybe he had an inherent cardiac anomaly of which he had not known of. It's tragic. But we will know for sure when the pathologist has run his tests on him." „Why is Regina here? I mean Madame Mayor." „She found him. It's her family's crypt. She was bringing her father flowers." „Does she know what he was doing here?" „I am afraid, she had no idea. Maybe you should take her home, she is very exhausted and I think she is stuck in some kind of emotional shock." „Thanks for answering my questions."

I have not realized that I had grabbed Graham's hand. When the man rolled Graham away, I did not let go until we reached the ambulance. They pulled him in and closed the doors. I could not move, I was standing there, watching them as they were driving away. I felt as lost as Regina had looked like.

When I turned around, Regina was still crying. I approached her. „You must enjoy this, seeing me like this, Miss Swan." „I don't get any satisfaction in seeing people suffer." I offered her my hand to help her up. She only starred at it, giving me evil glares. „Can we not put aside our differences for tonight. We both lost someone we cared about." Reluctantly, she took it. I pulled her up. „I will take you home." „I am fine, Miss Swan. I think some fresh air will help me." „You sure?" „Yes. And thank you." I did not truly understand why she was thanking me, nonetheless, I responded: „You are welcome." (Author's note: So in this story Regina really has cared about Graham, she was upset with him for dumping her and killed him in the end, because love is weakness, that's why she is thanking Emma.)

—

At his funeral I tried to be strong for Henry. He was in tears the whole ceremony. He even mumbled into my ear that we were done with operation cobra when something like this kept happening to people. He was heart-broken. And I was too. But I put on a mask, I tried to comfort Henry, when in truth I needed comforting more than anyone.

The weather fitted to the mood of the people. It was raining heavily, dark clouds above our heads. The dark day was only lit by a few flashes. It was as if for this day, he has taken all the colors with him. It was a world in black and white. Nearly everyone from Storybrooke was here. He was the sheriff after all, everyone knew him.

Henry was clinging to my side. Regina was standing in the front, her head lowered in respect. Now and again she was sniffing, a handkerchief brought up to her nose.

MM was standing with me, holding my hand. She cried silently, watching the preacher man speak. I could not follow the ceremony. My gaze was fixed on his coffin. Uncountable bouquets and flowers were placed on it. I never was the flower-type, but MM had organized a bouquet for the two of us. It was simple, but it was lovely.

Then his coffin was lowered into his grave hole. One after the other was stepping towards it, throwing soil onto his coffin. The graveyard was emptying. Until only a few were left. I could see Killian, I had wondered where he was since I had not seen him before. He walked to the grave, he could not even walk straight. He must be drunk. He fell down in front of the open hole. I could hear him sob.

Some people began whispering, others looked disgusted. They did not understand. He had lost his family today. I instantly hurried to his side, wrapping my arm around his body and helping him up. He threw a picture of the both of them onto the coffin. While falling down, it flipped and I could see that on the back was standing: „I am sorry."

I walked him off the graveyard.

I had known that they were close. They both had no parents and they were like family. I knew it since the day I was at Killian's apartment with all the pictures of the two of them together. The same was true for Graham's little flat. I could not even imagine what Killian was going through since Graham had told me that they had a bad fight and were not really talking the last few days.

And now, they never would be able to talk again.

He looked so lost. His eyes were not focused on anything, just wandering around, searching for something, anything that he could rely on, until he met my eyes. We were far away from the others, so no one could see us. He had tears in his eyes.

„He is gone." I pulled him close, hugging him tightly. His whole body was shaking with sobs. I tried to soothe him, rubbing circles on his back. His head rested on my shoulder, drenching my jacket with his tears. He was holding onto me as if his life was depending on it.

I could not stand seeing him like this. Had I felt terrible, sad and heart-broken before because of Graham's death, it was 1000 times worse now.

I wanted to tell him that everything was going to be alright, that everything will work out just fine. That time would heal his wounds, or that it will get easier, at least.

But I could not lie to him. I have been through so much and you never forget. Pain is your constant companion, following you wherever you go, no matter how fast you try to run, no matter how far you try to escape. It is always there.

In your sleep the demons try to catch you, try to destroy what is left of you. They repeat all the miserable things that you have been through, showing you again and again what you have left, what you can never accomplish.

You are left behind, only a shadow of yourself.

But I somehow had the strange feeling that I did not have to lie to him, that he knew all of this because he has been through it before. Nonetheless, I did not talk. I just remained in the same position.

After a while, I said: „Let's get you home."

—

I helped him out of his suit. When I undressed him, I tried not to stare at his body, although it was hard not to. I had never seen someone as perfect as him. But then I looked him in the eyes again and was reminded why I was here, what day it was.

He lay himself down on his bed, I put the sheets over him. „Try to sleep a bit." I turned off the lamp on his bedside table. The room was completely dark. I could not see my own hand before my eyes. I wanted to turn around and walk outside of his apartment when suddenly, his hand caught my wrist. „Don't go. Please."

I was undecided what to do. Should I stay? I did not want things to get more awkward between us than they already were. But I could stay until he was asleep and then sneak out. He should not be alone anyway. I was afraid that he would do something stupid.

So I crawled onto the bed next to him. I lay myself on the sheets, so that our bodies would not touch. But he pulled me close, my back was pressed against his body. His arm was around my waist. I could hear his breathing in my ear. I could feel the heat in my cheeks.

I lay there for a while, listening to his breathing, trying to hear if he was already asleep. But at some point, I could not keep my eyes open. I was so tired myself. At first, I fought it, but then gave into sleep.

**So Graham is dead now :( :( Although I am shipping CS so hard, I will never get over the death of Graham. he did not even get a funeral on the show :( He deserved one! ****That is why I had to give him one. **


	6. Your Love is A Waiting Game

Yeah, finally another chapter! I am so sorry that it took so long, but my computer could not be repaired so I had to save for a new one (I had to wait for my birthday to get the final money)! I hope you like it! Please read and review :)

** VMars lover:** thank you for always taking the time to review :) I am so glad you like it! I appreciate your reviews so much, they make me so happy !

**Chapter 5: Your Love Is A Waiting Game**

Killian:

He would never come back. He was gone. And the last thing I said to him was, that I had wished that I never had trusted him. I was mad because of him and Emma although he explained to me that nothing has happened between them. I still did not believe him, I doubted him. Why have I not trusted him? He was my friend. He has always been there for me. He has not failed me once.

Only because my ego was too big to overcome my injured pride. I hated myself for it. I regretted that I cursed him, that I said I wish I had never met him. I even blamed him for Milah's death, accusing him of not being able to have stopped it. I knew that it was wrong, that neither he or I could have ever helped her. She was too lost to be saved. But I wanted to hurt him. I wanted to see him in pain.

I wish I could have told him that he was my family. I wish I could have said goodbye properly. No, what I really wanted, was , that he was here with me, joking about our silly argument and drinking a few beers, just like the good old times.

I was such an idiot, such a jerk. There were a million swearwords that came to my mind, which fitted me. I still hoped that all of this was a nightmare and that I would wake from it eventually.

I nearly began to cry again, but then Emma turned in her sleep and was facing me. Her arms were around me as if she had sensed in her sleep that I needed her. She was so beautiful. And then I condemned myself again, knowing that Graham really had liked her. Now, she was lying here with me. Why did I mess up everything? This was so wrong and yet her arms around me felt so good.

I got distracted from my thoughts by watching her. She seemed almost peaceful. Her face was so relaxed. I have never seen her like this. But suddenly, she began to tremble. Her face was looking worried. And then she was speaking: „No, please… stop it!" Seemed like a bad nightmare. „Anna… it hurts… make him stop" My heart skipped a beat. I started to believe she was reliving a bad memory of her past. It made me angry, knowing that someone has hurt her. I asked myself to what extend. Was she beaten up? Or worse … ? I could not even bring myself to think in this direction.

My fists were clenching. I could see sweat on her forehead. She still was tossing and turning. Kicking me now and again, but I did not mind. „Do something! … will kill me … No, no…" I pulled her closer, brushing over her hair and whispered: „It's alright, I am here. I won't allow anyone to hurt you."

Her face still looked troubled. „but you left me … Neal." My fingertips wandered over her face, trailed over her cheeks. Neal. Has she loved him? „I won't go anywhere." Her face softened again and she relaxed, her whole body losing the tension from before.

She was hiding so much behind her mask. Her green eyes trying to fool you, to make you believe she was alright. But I could see through the veil of green to see the darkness that has surrounded her, that tries to consume her. Nonetheless, there was also a little sparkle of light in her eyes. Hope. It's hard to believe that she still had faith in life when she obviously has been through a lot.

She was something special. I could tell from the very beginning. I did not know why she attracted me this much. When she was lying in my arms, the throbbing pain in my chest because of the loss was only dull.

Why did she make me feel this way? No one since Milah has managed to do that. I was so confused, trapped between my feelings for Milah, my pain and my fear to start over with someone else than her.

„Killian…", Emma breathed. It almost sounded like a moan. Why was she dreaming of me? Her face was flushed.

This was too much for me. I silently pulled away, trying not to wake her. She just turned around and lay flat on her stomach. I could not do this. This was so wrong.

I could not hook up with the girl Graham liked. I did not want to disappoint him. And Emma… she deserved something better. She needed someone who could heal her wounds, mend her, not someone to pull her even further down. Not someone like me.

—

Emma:

My phone was ringing, I startled up. I looked around confused, not knowing where I was. I recalled bringing Killian home. But I was alone in his bed. I never planned on sleeping over. I picked up. „Hello?" „Emma, where are you? I am so worried." „MM … I…. I'll explain later, okay?" „Fine. See you then."

I stood up and brushed through my hair, trying to straighten them. Then I walked outside. I wondered where he was. It was so quiet. I walked into the kitchen. There was a cup of coffee, some fruits and a bagel. I tried the coffee, it has gone cold.

I found a letter next to the bagel. „I was needed at the shop. I did not want to wake you. Thank you for staying over. Sorry for being an inconvenience to you." I grabbed the bagel and left his apartment.

—

The next 2 weeks I was busy, since being alone at the station. I did not see Killian once, although I wished for it, secretly.

—

Canon: Mr. Gold helping Emma. Emma getting sheriff.

I was sitting at granny's diner. Behind me everyone was celebrating my victory. I just was not into partying. I was sheriff now but I hated the way I got the votes. I was down because I had seen the look on Henry's face. I was his hero. And yet, I could not let him believe that it was true when Gold had set this up. I had never asked for any of this. I did not want anyone to get hurt, not even Regina.

They only voted me because I had the guts to stand up against the one man everyone was afraid of. I took another sip of my drink. There was not enough alcohol in this world to make my grief, disappointment and sorrow disappear.

Killian was sitting himself next to me. He had a beer in his hand. I could see that he still was mourning Graham, so was I.

„What's wrong, Swan? Souldn't you be full of joy? You got elected." I did not even look him in the eyes. I did not reply anything, just emptied the glass in one gulp. I waved for another drink. Granny poured whiskey in my glass. She was smiling at me. I could not even bring myself to smile back at her.

Granny walked back to the others, touching glasses with them. Nothing of this meant anything to me at all. Maybe they made a mistake. Maybe they should not have elected me. They assumed that I was a strong person, but I was not. I had to step in way to big footsteps. I missed Graham. Why was he gone?

It felt so wrong taking on his job. I was not cut out of the wood to be a sheriff. I was a criminal. I was a thief. I was ill. I should never have accepted. I just wanted to show Henry that good could win. And now … there was this huge responsibility. The people in Storybrooke were counting on me. MM, Granny, Ruby, Ashley, Archie … Henry. I could not disappoint them. I would try as hard as I could, although I would never be good enough. There was only one man for this job and he was gone.

I felt guilty. Guilty for moving on, taking his job. Everyone was cheering for me. They have forgotten that we still should be sad, that we still should feel sorrow. But I guess for some of the others, Graham had been just the sheriff. Nothing more. However, he was so much more. He was kind, he was joking all the time, I could not imagine Graham without his smile. I did not want to let him go. I wanted to get to know him better. He would have been my first guy friend.

I took another sip of my drink.

Killian was closing in to me. „Are you ignoring me?" „No, I just… don't want to talk about the election, okay?" „What do you want to talk about then?" „Can't we just enjoy each others company silently?" „So you are enjoying my company?", he was smirking at me. It reminded me of the many times he had hit on me before, where everything was easy compared to the mess now. „Just shut up and drink." I lifted the glass to my mouth and downed it.

„I think I should go home now." I stood up and stormed out of Granny's. I had quickly waved goodbye to the others. The door opened again and Killian walked next to me. He grabbed my hand and made me turn, so that I looked him in the face.

„He had wanted you to be the sheriff, you know that, right?" „Do you really think so?" „Aye. He had trusted you. If he had to choose between you and Sidney or anyone else in Storybrooke, he would have still picked you." „Thank you." I surprised myself, when I hugged him tightly. His arms around my body just felt so good.

He revealed a bottle of some kind of liqueur behind his back. He even brought some shot glasses. „I just thought we should drink to your new job. You defeated Regina." „You mean Sidney." „Yeah, but we all know Sidney does everything that wicked woman tells him to."

He poured some of the liqueur in both glasses. He handed me one of them. „Let's drink a toast to a great man instead." We both knew whom I was talking about. Killian looked exhausted as if he had not slept in days. There were dark circles around his eyes. But nothing could harm his handsomeness.

We raised our glasses and emptied them in one gulp. „Another?" „No, I think I will pass." He put the bottle down. There was this awkward silence between us. There was so much unsaid between us, so much that will forever be unspoken.

Guilt was weighing me down when I looked into his eyes. There was so much sadness and desperation hidden in them. This was all my fault. His grief. Henry's pessimism. My tears.

They had started flowing without my notice. The past few months I could not control myself with regards to crying. It just happened. I had cried only a few times before but this past year it was as if I had to make up for all the times I should have shed tears. When Anna abandoned me, when I gave Henry away, when I was put into the foster home again.

I could feel them running down my cheeks. My eyes hurt already and felt like they were swollen. I hated crying, hated how it made me feel. Ugly, sad, confused, hurt, sorrowful. I had not asked for feelings. I never wanted to feel again, after I have been abandoned too many times. But then Henry showed up my door and everything has changed.

„What's wrong, Swan?" His voice broke through my weeping. It sounded worried. I looked at his eyes again and drowned in the ocean of his blue eyes.

I was the reason he and Graham had fought. If I had not been here, they would have separated on good terms. I was the reason for his guilt, I could see it! They had not talked for days. I was the reason that kept them apart. I was the reason they never got clean about their argument. I destroyed their friendship, their family.

He pulled me in another hug. My tears were soaking his shirt but it seemed he did not care. Why was he comforting me? I did not deserve that! It should be the other way round!

„I am sorry." „For what?" „I was the reason you two did not talk." He did not respond. He knew I was right. „I am a horrible person. I never wanted to get between the two of you! It's just … I felt so miserable after our …", what to call the day at the boat? Just call it by its name, „date on the boat. I never wanted anything to happen with Graham", maybe I had intended to sleep with him, but I knew I had no romantic feelings for Graham, „It's just the way I dealt with pain… I know it was a mistake … when all I could think about …" I broke off. He was watching me intensely with his blue eyes in which I got lost every time.

„… was you", I whispered. It was almost inaudible. He just stared at me as if my confession surprised him. Wasn't it obvious? It had always been him. Since the day I arrived, there was this huge tension between us. I just was not sure to what extent. I was lost, lost in feeling something for this gorgeous guy. I was falling for him.

My hand brushed over his cheek. I could feel the beard stubbles tickling my skin. The beard fitted him so good. It made him look even hotter. He closed his eyes. He looked almost as if in pain, as if my touch was burning him.

I pulled back but his arm around my body would not allow it. His face moved so close to mine, our lips nearly touching. „Emma." I made the next step and closed the gap between us. I laid my lips over his. My tongue traveling over his bottom lip. His hands were clawed into my hair. It was so different than I had imagined it. It was soft, slow and nonetheless passionate. I have never shared such an intimidate kiss with anyone before.

His tongue asked for permission and we deepened the kiss. I could not withhold a soft moan. My hands wandered over his back, I could feel his steeled body. He was more trained than I had expected.

His lips were the sweetest drug I have ever tasted. They were soft and moved in sync with mine. It felt like we had done this before and yet it was a whole new experience. His smell was addictive. It clouded my mind.

My heartbeat has doubled. I was sure my face was flushed and my cleavage was cluttered with red nervous-spots.

He kissed the tears away and then met my lips again.

Was this really happening? Was this a dream? Then I hoped my alarm would not go off for hours. Even the time seemed to pass more slowly as if in a dream. He was the only thing that mattered at this moment, the only color in a black-and-white world, the only flower blooming in winter.

I never wanted to break the kiss but eventually we had to because we were both out of breath.

„This was…", I could not even describe the kiss. He pulled away from me. „A one time thing." What? He could not seriously mean that! My dream has just turned into a nightmare. My world was shattered once more. My heart felt like it was bleeding.

He destroyed me just with words. Every word felt like a slap in the face, 4 tiny slaps from which I would bruise, from which I would take a scar or two.

Why did he keep doing this to me? First at the boat and now after our kiss. He always built up false hopes in me. Dreams of a better life, a life of love and happiness, at least until I would die. Hopes that someone other than my own son cared for me.

I felt reminded of my time with Neal. He was only one of many who destroyed my faith in happy endings. But this … this was the rest. I was done. The moral of the story was that everyone on earth was alone. Whoever said something else was a liar and only pretending. Never trust someone because when they disappoint you, you will get hurt and will be left alone once more.

I pushed him further away from me. „You are a coward, Jones." I ran away from me. I tried to escape from him as far as possible.

I seemed to be stuck in an emotional shock because there were no tears this time. Or maybe I had lost my heart completely now.

I wanted to scream, I wanted to kick something. I was so furious at him. Why couldn't he just have left me alone? Then I would not feel this miserable now. Like an unwanted puppy that was always returned to the animal shelter.

I came across Gold's shop. I knew that all the anger I felt needed a victim and why not Gold? He had tricked me, he had wanted me to be the hero of Storybrooke and set me up! I never wanted anyone to get hurt!

I was storming into his shop. I channeled all my feelings into fighting with Mr. Gold (and imagining Killian behind the counter desk). I wanted to forget how his lips had felt against mine. How his smell got captivated in my nose. How his words ripped my heart out.

„Mr. Gold…" „Miss Swan, I have a gift for you to congratulate you on your new job." „I don't want anything from you", I spit at him. He place a wrapped box in front of me. „I never agreed to this."

„Dearie, it's all part of the act, my dear. Political theatre in an actual theatre. I knew no one was going to vote for you unless we gave you some kind of extraordinary quality, and I'm afraid saving old Regina's arse from the fire just wasn't going to do that. We had to give you a higher form of bravery. They had to see you defy me – and they did."

„there is no way you planned that!" I could not believe it. If this was true he was really a mastermind. An evil one to be mentioned as well. I could not quite tell if he really was on my side, if he was on anyone's side at all. He was just so unpredictable. Every time I saw him, it gave me the creeps, because my superpower just did not work with him.

„Everyone's afraid of Regina, but they're more afraid of me. By standing up to me, you won them over. It was the only way. And now open your present."

I starred at him boldly. He pointed to the box again. I reluctantly unwrapped the box. „The sheriff's jacket. I thought you might want it after all." I held Graham's jacket in my hands. I still pictured him wearing it in my mind. With a smile on his face and a bagel in his hand.

There was just one huge question standing in the room. If he was not really on my side, why help me at all? Why interfere at all and make yourself appear like a criminal to the rest of Storybrooke? This just made no sense.

„Why did you do this?" „We made a deal some time back, Miss Swan. We established that you owed me a favor. I know that can be a bad feeling – owing someone. Now that you're Sheriff, I'm sure we'll find some way for you to pay back what you owe me."

I wanted to snap at him that I would not help him do something illegal, only because I was the sheriff now. I was leaning over to him, ready to grip him by his collar and threatening him to not mess with me, but before I could reply anything, I felt something dripping down from my nose over my mouth and falling onto the counter. Both Mr. Gold and I were frozen.


	7. If I am a loser or just unlucky so are u

**After last night's episode, I felt so inspired :) (POOR EMMA BABY!) **

**Here is a new chapter :) Hope you like it!**

** VMars Lover:** you guessed right :O :D

**Imnotsurereally: **I am glad you like it :D thank you for reviewing :) Every review fed to me, makes me work faster :D

**Chapter 6: If I'm loser or just unlucky, so are you**

My hand wandered to my nose. When I held it in front of my eyes, all I could see was blood. No, please! Not now! Not in front of him!

He starred at me shocked. I tried to smile, making it worse. „It's just a nosebleed." Without thinking I grabbed the scarf of Mr. Gold and pressed it onto my nose. „No, it's pumping out of you!" He was right, a huge pool of blood was on the desk and the floor. „What should I do? You should sit down and pinch your nose or something. Maybe I should call 911." „It'll stop in a minute." „I don't know what to do? Tell me what to do!" He panicked but I somehow had the strange feeling that his last sentence was not directed at me.

„Just get some ice." „What?" „Ice!" „I don't have any here." I sat down. I was so dizzy. The blood just did not stop flowing. „Oh Jesus, you have to take me to the hospital." „Miss Swan, I can't drive." He pointed at his leg. „Then just call 911, quick." Mr. Gold was limping outside and was waving someone to him. I could hear them talking. „Please, I need help!" „Why would I help you?" I instantly noticed the voice. Mr. Gold dragged Killian into the shop.

I had robbed behind the counter desk. Please, please god, don't let him see me like this! He cannot! Not after everything that happened tonight!

„Let go of me. I don't owe you anything. I won't help you." But then he seemed to notice all the blood. „Are you hurt?" Gold looked down to me. I was shaking my head, my eyes pleading with Mr. Gold. I silently told him: „DON'T." „I cannot do this alone, Miss Swan. I need help!" „Emma?" Killian walked around and saw me. „We need to get her out and wait for the ambulance." He just stood there frozen. He did not do anything. I did not even saw him breathing.

„Mr. Jones, help me." But still he did not move, he was frozen in place. „Just leave him." „Fine, we can manage on our own." Mr. Gold was steadying me the best way he could with one arm around me. As soon as we stepped outside, I could hear the siren. Gold still looking shocked. I thought I heard him say: „This was not supposed to happen. We need more time. She is not ready yet." But I guess I was just hearing things due to the blood loss.

—-

I was laying on a gurney and being pushed into the hospital. Mr. Gold was talking to some doctors standing around. „She must be thirsty. She's lost so much blood. Should she have some water?" Dr. Whale came to us. „Good, you are here." Dr. Whale looked at me. „Miss Swan, I have checked your healthy record. You should have told me sooner that you had acute lymphoblastic leukemia. Did she have any signs of thrombocytopenia before today?" He looked at Mr. Gold expectantly.

„I have no idea. I did not even know she was ill." He now was talking to a nurse. „Can you please find out when her last platelet transfusion was?" I was speaking, tasting the blood which came down my nose steadily. „My last platelet transfusion was May 18th." „Okay, thank you, but don't talk. Mr. Gold, come around here and hold her hand." He did so without hesitation. „Squeeze his hand once for yes, twice for no. Understand?" I squeezed Mr. Gold's hand once, only softly since I was so weak. I hoped he had noticed at all. „Yes." Good. I could feel my strength fading as Mr. Gold was talking for me. „Any signs of thrombocytopenia?" „No."

„Headaches? Bruising?" „Yes." „Aspirin products? Bonjela? Teejel? Anti-inflammatories?" „No, none of those. No." „Good." „I am afraid we're going to need to cauterize your nose. Have you been cauterized before?" „Yes, she has." „We'll check your platelets and then you're going to need at least a couple of units. A rough night, but you'll be back home tomorrow."

—

I was only half woken but I could hear someone talking. „What happened, Mr. Gold?" „She came into my shop …", he stuttered, but then thought that the whole story was not relevant, he went on: „…it was a posterior nosebleed. You know, the bad kind. They had to pack her nose with vasoconstrictive agents. Before that they transfused in two units. She now is stable."

„Did the doctors could tell you why this happened?" „I don't think I am in the position to tell you." „Okay, I will wait for Emma to wake up then. Thank you that you stayed with her, Mr. Gold. That was very kind of you." „I am a man of honor, I could not abandon her. Reminds me of something, you should better check on her boyfriend too." „Boyfriend? Emma does not have a boyfriend, at least none, I know of." „Well, Mr. Jones was glued to the spot and looked like someone has ripped his heart out. I hope Miss Swan gets better soon, I really do." „Goodbye, Mr. Gold." „Have a good evening, Mrs. Blanchard."

I heard the clicking of his cane as he left the room. I could feel someone sitting onto my bed and gripping my hand tightly. It felt good. „I am here now, Emma, I won't let you alone." And I did not wake up but fell back asleep again.

—

When I woke up, I was lying in a hospital room. It was a real big one. I guess they don't have that many patients around here. There were flowers next to my bed and MM was sitting in a chair, looking at me. „Emma, how are you feeling?" „Sleepy. Why are you here?" It sounded rather rude. „I am always a volunteer at the hospital and then I heard all the nurses panicking, so I walked outside and saw you. I was really worried and the doctors would not talk to me."

„Thanks for being here, MM." „Emma, what is it exactly you have?" I did not look her in the eyes. I did not want to talk about this but I guess it was inevitable. We were living together. What if this kind of stuff was going to happen to me more often? She needed to know what she had to do then. But I did not want her to be dragged into this. I did not want to be selfish. MM was just so pure, I did not want to break her.

„You can talk to me. I can handle it." I doubt that. „Please, Emma, just spit it out!" She was close to tears, so she was guessing something serious was up. She took my hand in hers again. „Help me up, I want to look you in the eyes when I do." She gently was pulling me up. „Promise me, you won't cry. I could not handle that." I tried a smile, but MM did not respond to it.

„Okay, where to start. Uhmm…I guess I just tell you from the beginning. I have not really told anyone the whole story, so please don't judge if it is not very fluent." She nodded. „Four years ago, well, I thought I had the flu. But it just would not clear up, that's why I went to the hospital, they did several tests.

I was getting more horrified with every passing hour. And then, they confirmed my worst fears. They told me I had acute lymphoblastic leukemia, cancer, which is very rare, since it most of the time gets only diagnosed with children. I started medical treatment, only realizing that it would not heal me, only prolonging my life slightly. The chemotherapy was so aggressive, I spent most of the time in the loo, throwing up and feeling weaker. It simply made me feel so bad. That's why I decided to end the chemotherapy entirely. The doctor's were urging me to continue with it but they could not hold out any hope for my survival if I did.

I did not want to waste my time in the hospital. I did not want to die in hospital." Now, I had said it to her. I was dying. „I wanted my final year to be special, to make up for all the miserable years I had to endure. So you see, staying in Storybrooke was not a new beginning for me, it is an end." I single tear was trickling down her cheeks. „Why haven't you told me before?" „I did not want to upset you. And it's not the first thing I mention when I introduce myself to someone and get to know him."

Her hand has let go of mine. She was brushing away the tear. „Are you afraid?" „It comes and goes. Most people think that when you're sick you become fearless and brave, but you don't. Most of the time it's like being stalked by a psycho, like I might get shot any second. Sometimes I forget about it for hours."

„What makes you forget?" „Henry." She now looked like something has hit her. „Did you tell him?" „No, and I won't." „Why? He will find out eventually." „No, because I won't be around when it gets that bad. You have to keep it secret." „I don't think it's a good idea to keep this from him. He deserves to know. Do you want him to think that you abandoned him? That Regina was right?" When she put it that way it sounded bad. „I just don't want him to get hurt." „Well, he will get either way. If you stay or go, it won't matter."

„Maybe I am going to tell him. Just not now. Okay?" „Fine." Dr. Whale came into the room. „Miss Swan, I want to inform you about your platelet count." „And?" He looked at MM. „Oh, it's fine, she can stay." „Given your circumstances, they are good, not perfect but could be worse." „That's good news, isn't it?", MM questioned. „Yes, it is, Miss Blanchard. Will you take Miss Swan home?" „Of course. Thank you, Dr. Whale." MM was red as a tomato.

When he has left the room, I starred at her. „Is there anything you want to tell me?" „It was just a one time thing…", she blurted out. „To distract yourself from David?" „Don't judge me." I had the feeling that she wanted to say something else but bit her tongue to hold it back. „Now let's get you home. You must be tired and hospitals are not that great to relax."

—

Killian:

I was sitting in my car, parking in front of the hospital. A bunch of flowers was lying on the passenger seat. I have remained in this position for several hours, always trying to figure out whether I should go in and talk to her or not.

I wanted to explain to her… why I could not help. There was just so much blood. It was everywhere. On the floor. On the desk. Her shirt was drenched, her hand blood-smeared. This whole situation reminded me too much of finding Milah with her cut wrists in the bathroom. It was like having a deja-vu.

I lit a cigarette. My eyes were hidden behind sunglasses. If I had a bottle of alcohol with me, I would drown my sorrow with it right now. So much has changed in my life. Now I visited two graves on a daily base.

My heart could not take another loss. It felt like only a little piece of my heart was left that was functioning. When it will break one more time, everything good in me that was left will be gone and I will loose who I am. It will be the death of me.

And seeing Emma, I knew that in a short amount of time I would visit three graves. Three people that I have cared about would be washed out of my life. I have realized that I have already, completely fallen for her although I had tried to fight it.

I have sworn to never let myself fall for someone again. Love was hurt. And now here I was, sitting in front of the hospital, still unable to approach her. Still being afraid.

Still questioning what the kiss meant. I knew what it meant for me. She wrecked me. She imprinted herself into my memory and washed away all the feelings I had for Milah… maybe not washed away but just made me look at my relationship with Milah more closely. Had it really been love? I could not tell any longer because when Emma kissed me, it felt a thousand times intenser than what I had with Milah.

But was I ready for this? Could I deal with loosing her? Could I betray my dead best friend?

Why was everything so complicated? Shouldn't love be easy? When two people were meant to be together, it should be easy-going.

Suddenly, the hospital doors swung open. Emma was sitting in a wheelchair, MM was pushing her. The two of them were chatting, Emma was even smiling. When they reached the stairs, MM helped her stand up. She looked weak, but she was alright. At least, for the moment.

MM had her arms around Emma, supporting her. Suddenly, Emma was lurching. I nearly jumped out of the car to hurry to her side. But MM held her tightly. She helped get Emma into the car. Why did I not walk over to her? Give her the flowers and talk to her. How I longed for her voice. I could not stay away from her. It was not possible anymore.

I grabbed my hair and let out a sigh of frustration. I watched as MM drove away. Emma was so pale, but how couldn't she, after having lost so much blood. I did not even knew that so much blood was able to come out of one's nose.

I opened the window and threw the flowers away. This has been a bad idea.

—

I was sitting in my apartment, unable to do anything useful with myself. A bottle of rum was standing on the couch table. But I did not touch it, just starred at it.

My life was a total mess. Of course, there had been some good times, but to be honest, the few horrible moments of my life overshadowed the happy ones. They will always outweigh the times that I have felt light and lucky.

Whenever I thought of Milah, it was a blur of red and dark brown. Her smile a grimace, her „I love you" a mock. She haunted me in my dreams. She was the reason that I questioned myself. I had not been enough. That's why I could not save her. I was not good enough in the end. Maybe I never was. I always thought we were one soul, split in two bodies.

But I was wrong.

I was too selfish. I did not see the signs of her distress, of her sadness. She had reached out for me a few times, giving me hints. I persuaded myself that she was just going through a rough phase. That we were happy.

And Graham. I cannot even begin with thinking of him. I saw his body, stiff and pale, in the coffin, dressed up in a suit. His smile washed out of his face. I could not save him as well. Maybe if we had not fought, I would have been worried for him, searching for him and finding him just in time. When Regina had found him, he was dead for several hours.

He was my family for the last years. The only one I had left.

All the girls I shared the bed with, meant nothing to me. They were just a replacement for the real thing.

I got the tattoo of Milah's name to remind myself, to never fall in love again. Because it hurt too badly, because I did not deserve it. I took her happiness from her. So I should not get a chance to be happy again.

My self-confidence around others was just a pretense, a charade.

I grabbed the bottle and threw it against the wall. Drinking would not get me anywhere.

She had dreamed of me. She had kissed me. She nearly bled to death. I was avoiding her ever since that day. We just were not meant to be. I was not meant for anyone. At first, I only saw her as another distraction, as another name on my list of women, but now… I knew she was so much more. But I could not let myself allow to feel something again. But I already did. I could not help it.

But, because I felt something for her, because I cared about her, I could not be selfish with her. And that's why she would never hear this. I did not deserve her. I could never be with her.

She deserved a love that consumes her. I could see, that she wanted passion and a little bit of adventure, not someone who would use her to heal his own wounds. To drag her down with him. No, I needed to stay away from her. Even if it meant losing my heart, my humanity, everything that I was. I just had to go back the life I had before meeting her.

Everything has changed. But I still remained, glued to the spot, the world has started to move without me. While everyone was reaching the sun, I stayed in darkness. I cannot be saved.

—

Emma:

I was lying in my bed. MM was indulging me, every half hour she brought me something to drink or eat, handing me another blanket because I was freezing, fluffing up my pillow. She even brought the TV into my room, so that I did not have to get up.

She did all of this without me asking her to. Maybe it was not so bad after all that she knew. I felt a lot lighter not keeping this secret from her.

She was lying next to me, we were watching a movie. I never had something like this. I never had a friend before. I almost could not believe it.

I did not follow the movie, I just enjoyed having someone next to me, that cared about me. She would be there when I needed her. She would be in the waiting room, worried about what the doctor would say. I was not alone anymore. I had a place where I belonged.

I grabbed her hand. MM smiled at me. When the movie was over, MM tucked me in as if I was a little child, she turned off the lights and walked out of the room silently. Before she reached the door, I stopped her. „Thank you, MM." „I will always be there for you, Emma. Don't forget that."

—

It has been 3 weeks, 2 days, 17 hours and 23 minutes since I last had seen Killian. I was a bit ashamed of myself that I counted every minute. I was avoiding him and it seemed as if he was avoiding me too. I still dreamed about our kiss. It still turned into a nightmare every night.

I picked up a coffee at Granny's. It was rather early, so I was surprised to see MM there. Shouldn't she be still at home? I sat down across from here. „Em…Emma, what are you doing here?" She said, her eyes wandering to the clock. Suddenly, the door swung open and David came in. MM just started laughing as if I had said something funny. „You did not. I cannot believe it."

So she faked not even noticing him, although she was watching him secretly in the reflection of the mirror. She waved her hands at me to play along her game. „Yeah, it's so unlike me. I guess, it's just what Chicago did to me." David came over to us, two cups of coffee in his hand. „Hey, Emma. Mary Margaret." His eyes rested on her. „David? What a surprise." MM said, her head as red as a tomato.

„How are you?" He asked her, they both seemed to have forgotten about me. „I am fine." „I should probably go now. I will be late." „Of course. I was certainly glad to see you again." „I was certainly glad as well." He walked away, never breaking eye-contact with MM.

When he was out the door, I said: „You never stopped seeing him, did you?" I thought that it was not possible but she grew even more red. „MM, he will break your heart." „He is going to leave her." „Yeah, they always promise that. Look, I know that David is a good guy and because I know this, I know that he will never leave his wife. He has just remembered everything." „He will tell her tonight." „Really?" „Yes. I love him. And he loves me. That's all that matters."

„Well, I guess I was wrong. I am happy for the both of you." „Thank you, Emma." She took a sip of her cocoa. „So, what's with you and Killian?" Now it was me who blushed. „Why would you bring him up?" „Well, it's obviously for everyone that you have feelings for him." „I don't." „Emma, that wall of yours, it may keep out pain but it also may keep out love. You should risk it. At least, try to lower your wall. Being in love is the best feeling in the world."

„It's complicated." „Well, no one said it was easy." „But no one said it was that hard either." „I know you are afraid, and I totally get it. But don't let your illness get in your way to be happy."

—

_„__You are the most beautiful person that I have ever met." I blushed at his compliment. I knew this guy for what … a couple of hours? Since I had robbed the stolen car. He was a thief, just like me. He was alone, just like me. And yet, I was fascinated by him, drawn to him. _

_He invited me to have a drink with him. How could I ever say no to such beautiful, brown eyes? I was under his spell the moment I had looked into the driver's mirror and saw him. Okay, I was frightened at first, because I thought I had been caught but shorty after that I noticed his handsome face. _

_I was starring at my drink. I had never had a drink before. I did not really know what to do. He was still watching me with a smirk on his face. My eyes were locked with his when I took a small sip. He joined me. While my glass was still almost full, his was empty. _

_„__Why does a pretty woman like you have to steal a car?" „To be free." „Free of what?" „Of everything." I looked up to him through my thick, dark lashes. „And yourself? Why are you on the runway?" „Who said I was a runway?" „Well, a desperate person recognizes another." He winked the barkeeper to fill our glasses. I hurried to finish the first one. _

_„__Neal." „What?" „My name is Neal. Neal Cassidy." „I am Emma Swan." „I am certainly glad you decided to break into the car I was living in, Emma." He put a strand of hair behind my ear. My eyes fluttered because of his touch. My stomach felt as if it has been turned up side down. My heart was beating fast. What was this? Was I going to be sick or something?_

_There was only me and him. I was not aware of anything else. We had not talked that long and yet… there was something going on between us. An understanding without words. I surprised myself when I sat up and lay my lips on his lips. It did not take long for him to respond to it as if he had read in my eyes what I was going to do. _

_His lips felt so good against mine. His hands travelled over my body, from my shoulders down to the small of my back, where they rested for a while, before they trailed down to my ass. I moaned, which gave him the opportunity to deepen the kiss. His tongue slipped into my mouth, searching for my tongue so that they could dance together. _

_I had never kissed a man before and when I had dreamt about it, I never thought it would feel this good. Or was it because of whom I shared the kiss with? He smelled so good. My fingers were tangled in his brown, curly hair. _

_When he pulled away, we were both out of breath. But he looked down on me with so much … love in his eyes. I knew that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. I had never thought that love at first sight was possible and here it happened to me. _

_—_

_I woke up, Neal's body was not pressed against mine. His body heat not warming me. I panicked, it was so dark, I could not see anything. I shivered. I was so confused. He usually was snuggled against me, his arm wrapped around my body. Normally, I had woken up when he stood up during the night. Although he had always tried to not wake me, as soon as he moved inches away from me, I woke up and smiled at him and then we had sex. Brilliant, mind-blowing sex. _

_Why did I not wake up this time? I was so confused. Then the lights went on and I could see the small cell, which was my home for the past month. Because of him. Because he betrayed me. _

_He had left me. He handed me over to the police. I was nothing worth to him. Everything that we had was based on a lie. Or rather the dreams of a foolish girl. The dreams of me. _

_All that I had asked of my life, was to get a chance to be happy. I thought I had found it. But now I was only heart-broken and pregnant. Pregnant with a child that would constantly remind me of him. Was I strong enough for this? _

_I could love him or her. My hand rested on my belly. But could I care for the child? I had no money, no family to support me, and the father of the child would never get to know that the child even existed. I had tears in my eyes. _

_We could have been happy. We could have been a real family because of the child. It would have been the culmination of our love. I had the picture of us in my mind, where we walked through a small town, a boy (I know there was a 50 percent possibility it was going to be a girl) in the middle of us, holding hands with both of us. We owned a house with a white fence surrounding it. The house itself was painted blue and it was near the ocean. Seagulls flying nearby. _

_But he shattered everything. I had wanted to be free of my fears, of my nightmares and of my loneliness. But now he haunted me. Every way I looked he was there, mocking me. He had been the only thing in my life that I had truly wanted. But he did not want me. _

_No, I could not keep this child. At least, it deserved a chance at a normal life. A life with a family to support it, to cherish it. Not me. I needed to heal on my own before I could be there for someone else. _

_—_

_„__We are sorry to inform you that you have acute lymphoblastic leukemia." „I…I don't understand?" „It's a form of blood cancer." „I have cancer?" „I am afraid so." „Am I going to die?" „We will try everything that we can to prolong your life, starting with a chemotherapy." „Prolonging my life? So there's no chance that I can be cured?" „We don't know that. We just have to await how the treatment will work on you. Do you have any questions?" _

_„__I just… need a moment to myself." „Of course." He left me, I was sitting in the consulting room. I grabbed the next best thing and threw it against the wall. Why? Just why did this happen to me? _

_What on earth have I done to deserve such a life? I felt so lost and lonely. I wished he was here. Neal. I wished he was there to support me, holding me in his strong arms. It has been a long time since I have thought of him, almost a year. And now… I wanted nothing more than feeling his arms around my body, his whispers in my ear that everything was going to be okay. _

_I had never tried to search for him. But now I wished I had. I wished I had told him how I felt and how his betrayal hurt me. And maybe it was going to be too late now. _

_„__Gods, Neal, I need you, why have you never understood that?" I murmured to myself. Before the doctor could come back, I left the hospital. I needed time to think what I was going to do._

_—_

_I went to a support group several times a week. But it was just a waste of time. Because of the group I would not get better, I could not be cured. Talking about my illness was not preparing me for anything. It was just a waste of time. _

_These people maybe had the same fate as myself but we had nothing else in common. With them they brought their relatives. All of them had whole groups of people standing behind them, being there for them. _

_I always came alone. I had no friends, I did not entrust anyone with my illness, I did not want anyone to think I was weak. _

_Nonetheless, I envied them. And that was the worst. Hearing their stories about how wonderful everyone treated them. Only then I realized how alone I truly was. _

_I quit the group a week later and moved to Boston. I needed a fresh start. A new home, a new environment. Maybe even working again. _

_I could not wait for a shining knight in armor on a white horse to appear in front of me and bring me my happy ending. If I wanted to be happy, I needed to reach it on my own. _

_—_

I woke up, panting and sweat-drenched. I guess another nightmare although I could not remember it. It was still in the middle of the night. I got up because it was useless trying to go back to sleep.

I got dressed and went to the only place that one could have fun in Storybrooke. The rabbit hole.


	8. Gone Fragile

Finally another chapter! I am soooooooo sorry it took me that long but I have been so busy I did not find time to write. I hope you like the new chapter! Thanks for 50 followers and 16 favorites :) You guys are the greatest :)

**Chapter 7: Gone fragile **

I was sweating and panting. I woke up confused. My eyes could not adjust to the bright light. I could not see where I was. Something was pressing into my back, something that would surely leave a bruise. Something sticky was bedewing my skin. My clothes were uncomfortably sticking to my body.

Panic was rising inside of me. As I tried to find my way from the bed or sofa, my hand reached into something icky. My foot bumped something off of the thing I was lying on. There was this huge noise when it shattered. My ears felt like they were exploding, my head was spinning.

And then all of a sudden, I could see again. It took me a few seconds to recognize the mess in front of my eyes as my own room. There were uncountable donuts lying on my bed, some even clinging to my body.

Also there were a few bottles of wine standing around. One of them was the thing that pressed into my back.

Nonetheless, I was relieved. I was at home. I just seemed to have an amazing hangover and an insatiable desire for donuts.

I got up and instantly had the urgent necessity to shower and wash the stickiness off of my body, whatever it was. I prayed that it was just alcohol or frosting of the donuts and not my own vomit (sadly, it would not have been the first time that would have happened to me - the time after Neal left was just a dark period).

I nearly jumped into the shower. I turned on the water and at first, I nearly had a heart attack because it was not heated yet. But after hot water purred over me, it was the best feeling in the world.

I took my time showering - I did not even feel guilty for wasting that much water or that much shampoo and shower gel. I just needed that shower - badly.

After that I got dressed. I watched myself in the mirror. Even after the long shower I still felt whacked and I looked like shit.

I had no clue of what has happened yesterday. No matter how hard I tried to reach out for the memories, I just could not seem to grasp it. The only thing I remembered, is, making myself ready to go to the rabbit hole. But that was all about it.

It felt odd being so calm about not remembering a few hours of my life. In this short amount of time so much could have happened. Something important. Something terrible. And I could never know if the desired memory would come back to me…today, tomorrow, never.

I guess it was because I was used to the feeling of not remembering.

—

**Flashback:**

I woke up in a bed that was not mine. I was in immense pain - I felt feeble, like all my energy has been sucked from me. Every tiny movement hurt. There were many people hovering over me. None of them was familiar to me. There was that bright light surrounding them. Someone was talking to me, but I could not understand a single word. Like we were speaking two different languages.

I had no clue where I was or how I have gotten there. I was kicking and fighting the people off when I saw someone approach me with this insanely big syringe filled with a colorless liquid. I screamed for help, I screamed for Neal, believing that they were holding me captive, that I was there against my will. I was sure that they were doing inhumanly experiments on me, how else could you explain all this?

I hurt someone who tried to hold me down. But then, they gave me the injection. I felt a little pain when the needle pierced my skin.

The seconds seemed to last forever. My movements slowed down as if I was living in slow motion. My eyelids got heavy, I tried to fight sleep, fearing that they would take my organs if I gave into sleep. But blackness overtook me.

The next time I woke, my arms were strapped to the bed that was not mine. I felt worse than before, like poison was running through my veins, destroying me from the inside.

Someone was sitting next to me. I tried to break free but could not. „Emma, calm down. I am not going to hurt you. Do you know where you are?" I tried to speak, to answer him, the man with the pleasant voice. He seemed trustworthy, although I did not know why, like I have seen him before. But I could not (my mouth was so dry), so I shook my head.

„You are in hospital. You are treated here. You have acute lymphoblastic leukemia and your are currently undergoing a chemotherapy. You seem to be hallucinating because of it, it is unusual but it happens."

I could not believe him. I could not be ill, surely this was a mistake. I coughed so that I could answer him, I needed confirmation that he told the truth. „Can you bring Neal in, surely he is here? Can I talk to him?"

My supposedly doctor looked at me confused. „Is he at work? I … I can wait." My opposite took my hand. „Emma, I am sorry but I don't know who you are talking about. You have been here for weeks and no one has ever visited you. Is he a relative of yours? Your boyfriend? Should we try to call him?" Now I knew that he had to be lying. Neal would never leave me alone if I had such a serious illness. „Can … can I have a phone?" „Of course." He winked at some nurse standing by.

I dictated her the number of my and Neal's apartment (and I made sure she dialed the right number). She handed me the receiver of the phone. My heart was beating fast like it wanted to jump out of my chest. I only heard the ringing, I prayed that he would pick up. This had to be an insane joke. If I was ill, he had to know. He could explain all of this to me.

No one answered the phone. But there was a message on the answering machine. „Aloha! This is Sarah and (_now a guy's voice_) Tom, (_now they talked together_) we are currently in paradise and cannot answer the phone! Please leave a message, we will call you back once we are back in reality. A hui hou!"

And then my memories filled my brain. Neal handing me over to the police, jail, many pubs, learning of my illness, starting the chemotherapy.

The receiver has slipped from my hand.

—

The doctors explained to me that I was often in so much pain, that I could not distinguish between my imagination and reality. I had to admit that the times when I woke up not knowing I was ill, was the best the chemotherapy ever did to me. Of course, sometimes I was aggressive, but most of the time, I just felt peaceful, like my life was in order. I did not know that I had no time left. I thought that my whole life was before me and not behind me.

And then there where the moments when I woke up completely clear. When I remembered the reason for being there. It was the worst scenario since no matter what they tried on me, it did not work. Every treatment was failing, nothing was effective on me.

I despaired.

And this morning I was reminded of that despair. Because whenever I woke up clear and saw that bright light, I knew that I would die. I was desperate since no matter how shitty my life has been up to that point, I did not want to die. I had nothing achieved in my life, my dreams have not come true yet, there was so much more I wanted to do. There was just so much more that I wanted to experience (Henry's first crush, his graduation, his first day of work, his wedding, …)

Deceitful hopes.

—

After banning those feelings into my subconsciousness again (where hopefully they would not emerge too soon again), I went outside to get the newspaper. I just needed to put my mind off of things. The sun was shining brightly. My hair was in a ponytail since it was a rather warm day.

I leisurely walked over to the mailbox.

I saw Mary Margaret scrubbing her car - with much effort. At first, I thought she wanted to the car to be extra neat since I knew she was kind of a little perfectionist. Nonetheless, I walked over to her. I wanted to ask her if she knew what I was doing last night. But the nearer I got, the clearer I could make out red paint on her car. The combination of paint and cleaning water was running down her hands, ruining her clothes. Although she had erased a few bits of the word, I could clearly read it. ‚TRAMP' was written in capitals all over the car-windows.

She was so desperately scrubbing so that no one could read it.

Without thinking, I grabbed another sponge and helped her to clean her car. Neither of us said something, but I knew that she shared a glass or two of wine with me since she looked a little hungover herself.

A few tears were running down her cheeks but I could not condemn her. I did not know what happened but it looked like her affair with David was finally revealed (and gossip was spreading as fast as a virus in Storybrooke). And her tears told me that it was not because of David telling Kathryn the truth but because Kathryn found out.

After the car was free from any insult, we went inside. Both of us covered in red paint. Mary Margaret made us coffee. I gladly took the cup from her. „Thanks for helping me." „You are welcome and … I am sorry." She did not face me. „You should not be sorry, you have tried to warn me." „How are you?" „Not okay … but I will manage. And you?"

„Why would you ask?" She now looked at me surprised. „Well, when you came home, you seemed to be pretty upset yourself. We then shared some wine, watched reality tv and had some of the delicious donuts you have brought with you."

„Hm… cannot have been that bad since I don't even recall being upset. I guess, I was just drunk." We both took a sip from our coffee. „Want to grab some breakfast at granny's?" She dropped her gaze. „I think, I will stay home today. I am not that fond of people whispering behind my back about me."

„What happened?" „Kathryn cuffed me in the school where everyone could see." „David did not tell her about you guys?" „No, he did not. She was about to leave. I guess, he thought it was the easier way out. Not upsetting anyone. But now I am the town's adulteress! No one is condemning him, I am the bad girl in this story, although he is the one who lied to his wife and … who… who lied to me too. He tricked us both. Now he has destroyed everything."

I walked over to her and hugged her tightly. She was the closest thing to family I have ever had (next to Henry, of course) and I could not stand her being so upset. I wanted to cheer her up, but I was lost for words. I wanted to repay her for all the times she has been there for me since I came to Storybrooke. But you cannot cure a broken heart with words.

„I hope you are hungry because I will get us something to eat from granny's once I am cleaned up." „Sounds great." „I will be right back." I gave her one of my rare smiles. (I hoped it looked cheerful and not like a mask since I was so out of practice).

—

Everyone in granny's was whispering behind my back. I could catch a few words. „Yeah, she is living with HER." They watched me like I had a disease (irony!) that they could catch from only breathing the same air as me. It was good that MM did not come with me. It would have devastated her.

Once I got the bags of food, I stormed out of the diner. I walked home since it was not that far away from home and I had felt too hungover to drive.

I bumped into someone. Gold. „Miss Swan, just the person I wanted to speak to." I had feared this meeting. He knew of my illness, he had to clean away my blood in his shop, he went to the hospital with me. „You quite shocked me the other day. I hope you are better again." „I am, thanks to your help." „I did not do anything, really." „What did you want to talk to me about?" „Just making sure, you are well. I recall having a deal with you that I want to claim one day or other." I did not even hear what he was saying, because my eyes caught sight of something that was much more important. Much more hurting than anything Gold could say to me.

There was Killian. Kissing. Another. Woman. This sight would forever be burned into my eyes. The way he looked at her and the way she looked at him. She was totally in love with him. He seemed to like her pretty much.

Seeing them, triggered another memory. I remembered the last night.

**—**

**Flashback:**

I was standing in front of the shabby building that was apparently the Rabbit Hole. Whenever Ruby had talked about it, it had sounded as if this was the greatest place on earth, where you could forget your sorrows and just party a little. When I looked at it now, I doubted that highly.

I was unsure if I should go in or just turn around and walk home. But since I was already there, I decided I could take a look. I opened the door and the instance I did, uncountable pairs of eyes where staring at me. Either because there were not that many women in here from what I saw or because I was the sheriff. Whatever the reason, I felt uncomfortable. So uncomfortable, I did not even know what to do with my hands. What did I usually do with them?

Before I could do anything to shame myself, I stormed to the bar and sat down. I still felt the looks of the people lingering on my back. It made me shiver. Why were they so interested in me? „You cold?" The barkeeper asked with one pulled-up eyebrow. „No, I just need a drink. A long island ice tea to be specific." He grinned at me. „As the lady wishes."

Only then did I realize that the people had begun to talk with each other again. I felt less tensed as I watched the people who seemed to have forgotten about me. Maybe it was because they only wanted to see if I was here as sheriff or as a costumer.

There were the usual town drunks. In one corner Leroy was playing darts with his ‚friends'. He seemed to be pretty drunk already since he was slurring and not nearly hitting the target. They burst into laughter.

I got bored and just watched the barkeeper mix my drinks. He was handsome, just the type of guy I would usually hit on to have a little distraction. He was tall, had dark brown hair and dark brown eyes. He looked up and met my eyes. Again he grinned. He had caught me starring at me. HOW EMBARRASSING!

But not even then did I drop my gaze. What was wrong with me? He handed me my drink and when I took the glass from him, I made sure that our fingers brushed against each other. Was I flirting with him? I was so out of practice I did not even know what I was doing. I did it unintentional. I did not even want to flirt with him.

I took a sip and the taste of alcohol exploded in my mouth. It was strong, very strong. I did not even taste the bit of coke that was usually in Long Island Ice Teas. But it was exactly what I needed right now. To put my mind off of things. Off of Neal. Off of Killian.

I emptied the glass. „I am Jim by the way." „Emma. But you already knew that." He smiled at me again. He was definitely flirting with me. „Do you want something else, Emma?" „A beer." He opened the bottle and placed it in front of me. I took it and stood up. I needed to get away from the barkeeper, I did not want to be caught up in anything weird with him. I excused myself and said that I wanted to take a look around.

The place was filled with people. People I meet day to day, people I have never seen before.

And then I saw two familiar blue eyes brushing over me. But they did not linger on me like I was just a stranger. I thought about walking over to him and talking to him, asking why he ignored me or seeing if he was too drunk to know who I was.

Before I could make a step, he came in my direction. I felt relieved. My heart was beating faster because of excitement. It had been weeks since I last saw him. Not since the day in Gold's shop. I was nervously peeling off the label of the beer.

But then he took a turn and walked towards another woman. She had dark hair. She was very pretty and I hated her for it. She had radiant eyes that were staring at him with desire. I could see that she was madly in love with him.

I asked myself how long they have been seeing each other. It did not seem like they met just today. Could all of this … tension between us have sprung from my imagination? Was he never into me? I had seen the pictures of Milah in his apartment. The girl he was now dancing with looked a lot like her, so I guessed she was his type. I on the other hand was the total opposite of the two of them.

I was air to him. And maybe I always have been. Maybe I was just exciting because I was new. And now after knowing of my illness, I have lost all that was appealing to him.

The crowd was swallowing me, blocking my way to watch the two of them. I could only catch glimpses of them now and again. At one moment they started kissing. This was too much for me. I stormed to the toilets. I locked myself in one cabin and started sobbing. The music was so loud, I was hoping it would swallow the noises coming from my restroom.

I could hear the door opening to the restrooms. I tried to hold back my sobs but failed miserable at it which I only noticed when someone called out: „You okay in there?" „Yes, don't worry." I flushed the toilet and wiped away the tears with my hands. I opened the door and hoped that whoever had spoken to me, was already gone.

But there SHE was standing. She looked even more stunning this close. I could totally get what he saw in here. She had curves that every woman would be envious for, she had full, rosy lips that were shining from lipgloss and she looked a few years younger than I was. She was the jackpot every man was trying to win.

And she was even compassionate with a stranger crying in a restroom. She handed me a handkerchief. „Rough night?" I only nodded and took the tissue from her. „I could tell you a thing or two about it." She was laughing. A sweet, soft laugh. She had small wrinkles while laughing. She was a cheerful person. „I guess everyone has a bad day sometimes", I responded sounding shyly.

„Exactly! So don't let a guy make you feel bad! He is just not worth it." I was a bit startled and she seemed to notice. „A girl only cries over a guy. Trust me, I know. But let me tell you this, once you find the right man, everything will work out fine. It will be easy and you will forget you ever suffered from heartbreak."

She handed me a Jägermeister (haven't had one since ages!) and smiled at me. „I always carry two of them for bad times." She raised her glass and emptied the little bottle. I followed her. The taste of herbs filled my mouth and was burning down my oesophagus.

„Anything else I can do for you?" She took the empty bottle from me and threw it in the basket bin under the towel dispenser. I shook my head slightly. But then her face lit up like she remembered something. She pulled down a paper towel and wet it under the running water. She held it in front of my face. Her eyes were asking me for permission. I nodded.

She dabbed my face gently, I guess she was removing the smudged mascara and the traces of tears. She then rummaged in her purse and took out a mascara. She did my eyelashes and put some lipgloss on my lips, the same one she was wearing.

„There you go, all beautiful again." „Thanks." „Oh, you are welcome. I know exactly how you feel." She tucked the mascara and the lipgloss in her bag again. She looked onto her wristwatch. „I must be heading back or else my boyfriend might come in here, wondering if I have fallen into one of the toilets." Again she laughed that beautiful, heart-warming laugh of hers.

„It was a pleasure meeting you!" And out she was. I did not even know her name. But she has been so nice to me. I hated her even more now. Hated her, because I could exactly understand why he would choose her over me. She was so cheerful and so full of life while I was the walking dead in person.

Boyfriend. She had said boyfriend. The realization hit me minutes after she had walked out. They were a couple. They were officially together. Graham had told me that Killian had had no serious relationship since Milah. I could cry again but I would not. I would walk out of this door with my head held high like none of it matters to me. None of it.

I walked over to the bar, I caught sight of HER shiny brown hair, but forcefully looked somewhere else. I headed over to the bar, ordered a few shots, drank them one after the other. Jim the barkeeper was joining me on a few. He even invited me on a few drinks. I tried to joke with him, to flirt with him, but everything felt unreal to me, like I was just a robot fulfilling what it was programmed for.

When I stood up, my world was already spinning. I wanted to head home. This night has been a total disaster. I was weaving, trying to find my belongings. I was not wearing my jacket, when and above all where did I unclothed it? I bumped into someone and the content of his glass spilled over me. Now I wanted to go home so badly, that I did not search for my jacket any longer. I could buy a new one. I won't need it anyway very soon. I would need nothing anymore.

I opened the door, I heard Jim calling after me, but I did not care. I was freezing in the breeze thanks to the alcohol shower. I had to walk home since driving was no longer an option. I walked a few steps and then stumbled and fell to the ground. I could scream because of anger! Why was everything plotting against me? The stupid street, why must it be uneven! The mayor better check it and fix it!

I had troubles with getting up, but I managed it eventually. My jeans were torn and there was blood dripping from my knees. I did not hurt, though. Suddenly, someone was touching my shoulder. I was so startled, I nearly fell a second time.

„Fuck! You gave me a heart attack!" I turned around and starred in the same blue eyes that were not able to see me hours before. He carried my jacket with him. Only then I was reminded how cold I was, but I would not give him the satisfaction to shiver now! I was in total control of my body (at least, I hoped I was).

„You forgot your jacket. I had not even noticed you were in there until I caught sight of your trademark." He smirked at me like nothing has changed between us. Or was I hallucinating? Maybe I had hit my head while falling down. That could be a realistic explanation.

I snatched the jacket from his hand. „Thanks, I had not realized I had left it." He then seemed to notice my sore knees. „Are you alright, Emma?" He did not even call me love anymore. „Yes, it's nothing, just scratches." I hoped my tone was as cold as his behavior before. „Thanks for the jacket, Jones." „You sure you are okay? Did I do anything wrong?" I had to bit back laughter. I wanted to yell at him that of course I was mad at him, mad at him for flirting with me in the first place. If he had just left me alone, I would not have cared about him! I would not feel like my heart was being ripped out. He would have still talked to Graham, everyone would be happy.

But all I said was: „Of course, not. I am just tired." „Should I bring you home? You look a little shaken." „I am fine. ON. MY. OWN." I emphasized the last words, I did not even know why. Maybe to trigger some kind of reaction from him. He only smiled at me, wished me a goodnight and headed back to the rabbit hole.

I nearly ran home after that and grabbed the package of donuts which I had actually bought for work. I needed them more desperately now. When I entered the apartment, MM was still awake. I was glad I had not given in to my tears again. I hoped she did not realize how sad I was. She normally had a sense for something like that. Not that night.

She was crying herself. I did not ask her what happened since I did not feel like talking. I just offered her a few donuts, I turned on the tv and we randomly watched some programs. I could not follow any show that ran. My mind was just too occupied with processing the night. At one time or another either I or MM had opened a bottle of wine. And it did not stay just the one bottle. When we finally went to bed, I took the remaining donuts with me, ate and cried (now she was out of reach to hear me!) in my bed until I fell asleep.

—

Gold was still talking to me about god knows what. I only had eyes for the happy couple, walking hand-in-hand to the diner. They looked so adorable together, I could vomit. I could not stand watching them, that's why I interrupted Gold and said: „Just don't tell anyone about what happened in your shop. I have to go now." I hurried home. I needed that comfort food now as much as MM.

**Next chapter: Killian's pov!**


	9. It's like I can't even feel

This chapter nearly wrote itself! I felt so inspired because of this CD my mum gave me xD

I hope you like it! Please review to let me know what you think about it :D

**Chapter 8: It's like I can't even feel after the way you touched me**

Killian:

_I was sitting in a bar that was more looking like an old tavern, drinking with guys that I had never seen before but nonetheless they looked familiar to me. We were laughing and singing - from what I could tell. My mind seemed to be clouded from the alcohol. _

_Suddenly, a beautiful woman entered the tavern. For the rest of the night I had only eyes for her. Now and again she caught me staring at her. She did not blush, she knew exactly what effect she had on me and she liked the attention. _

_Finally, she walked over to us. I could see her gorgeous body, her long dark hair falling over her shoulders. „Mind if I sit down?" She did not wait for me to answer, she knew exactly what I was going to say if she had let me. _

_She took my drink from me and emptied it. Her eyes never left mine. There was sorrow in her eyes, just like the sorrow in my heart. There was this instant understanding between us. I have never felt this way before. _

_„__I'd like to ask you something…" She looked at me again with those big, blue-green eyes. „Anything you'd like to know, love." „Are you really Captain of a ship?" Her face lit up, she was hungry for adventure, for change. I smiled at her, my first true smile since … forever. _

_I knew that something terrible had happened to me, I just could not get ahold of what it was. There was just this feeling … the painful beating of my heart reminding me of a drastic event in my past. _

_„__What gave me away?" She smiled at me. „I have seen you walking from your ship into this tavern." „You followed me?" I handed her another drink. I waited for her answer, expecting her to tell me she found me handsome or that she was looking for someone to warm her bed for the night. _

_But she simply said: „Yes." She emptied her drink again. „I have to go now. I would love to hear your stories, Captain, if we should ever meet again." She stood up and I took her hand, stopping her from leaving me. „I don't recall you ever introducing yourself, love." _

_Her smile was so beautiful. „Milah. My name is Milah." „See you tomorrow then, Milah?" „Tomorrow." She repeated with a promising tone. I would see her again. _

_—_

I startled up. At first I was confused where I was since the dream has been so real like I was truly there, like it had been a long forgotten memory that has fought his way through my subconsciousness. That sounded crazy since I knew that this never happened.

Milah and I had first met when her car had conked out. She was going through a hard time because of her divorce. She was not looking for something serious and well, I did not want to give up my freedom. It had taken some time for us to realize we were in love, it was not love at first sight like in this dream.

And she would have never asked me about my boat. She hated it, hated how much time I spent with doing the boat up, being on the sea apart from her. She never wanted to come with me. She feared the ocean just like she was afraid of everything new.

Maybe I was dreaming of an alternative first meeting because I always pictured an other future for us if we had not been so stupid in the beginning. We would have had more time together. These dreams made me realize what I have lost, what pain I have suffered.

I had those weird dreams for some time now. The first time on the day Emma had kissed me. Although they were not this clear then. I only remembered a few glimpses when I woke up, just enough to know that Milah has been in them.

Annie was cuddled against me. She was sleeping soundly.

It felt good having her next to me and at the same time I felt guilty. Guilty for pretending. I did not even know how I have been caught up in this mess. My only intention was to carry on with my life before I have met Emma. I was looking for someone … anyone to spend the night with, to continue my list with meaningless names, to fill my memory with faceless strangers.

I had been to the rabbit whole like any other Friday night. I searched for someone that I thought was at least attractive. But I found fault in all of the women there. All I could think about was Emma. She was in every thought of mine. She had spoiled me for every other woman.

I began to drink, I had already given up hooking up with someone since I only searched for features that resembled Emma. Blonde hair, green eyes, high cheekbones. Looking for someone to make me forget about Emma only led to me think about her more, searching for her in all of the other woman.

It was so frustrating. I craved for her voice, I desired her touch, I wished to be intoxicated with her smell. Every cell in my body screamed at me for staying away from her. But I had to. I realized not only because I wanted to protect her from heartbreak, but because of myself too. I had to be egoistic. I could not bear loosing her too. It was better never knowing what it felt like to be loved by her than missing her love for the rest of my life.

Maybe all of this was insane. Even if I never sought a relationship with her, it would still hurt going to her funeral. I would still loose her, even if I walked away now. I could stop my suffering and just be with her as long as her time allows us to.

But I was afraid. Too afraid. I would be swallowed by the darkness again, where no one exists expect myself, where everyone has left me behind. I feared the pain of loosing her. I truly believed it was better to never call her mine, because then I can't truly loose her. You can't loose something, you never possessed in the first place.

I was selfish, I knew that. But that is the way I am.

I wanted to leave the rabbit hole and then, Annie was standing there. Her resemblance of Milah unmistakably. Maybe that is why I approached her, because of the dreams I had had lately. Reminding me of a better time, a time filled with love and not sorrow.

I bought her a drink. We talked. I went home with her. I slept with her. She lay in my arms. I thought it would be a one time thing, but I met her regularly. We could talk about (almost) everything, in another life we would have been perfect for each other. I saw that her feelings for me were growing although it would never be mutual. I liked her but I could never love her - even though she looked so much like Milah.

I hated myself for using her, for wasting her time. But I realized that although I could not love her, I began to care about her. Enough to protect her from being hurt - even by myself. So I stayed with her.

I unhung the pictures of Milah in my apartment and carefully put them in a box that I hid. Annie should never think I chose her because of her physical similarity to Milah - although that was exactly the reason, I had been drawn to her.

We had many dates and on one she declared that she wanted me to meet her parents someday. I knew what this meant. She wanted more from me than I could ever give her and nonetheless, would pretend to give. It was her way of asking me for commitment to her. I faked a smile and told her, that I was looking forward to meet them, anytime they were free.

From that day on she spent most of her times at my apartment like she moved in. It was never a question if we stayed at her place or mine since she loved to watch the sea as much as I did. As I said before, we could have had the perfect relationship.

Except that my heart belonged to another.

It was the worst seeing Emma in the bar, looking at me hopefully. I felt so guilty like I had betrayed her - even though we have never been a couple. I could not even look her in the eyes.

When I saw here leave without her jacket, I could no longer ignore her. I excused myself, mumbling something about going to the restrooms. I hurried after her and even though she seemed to be quite drunk and weaving, she was pretty fast. She turned around the corner and I lost sight of her.

When I finally caught up to her, she was cursing. She did not seem to notice me. I could have said something, I could have harrumphed to let her know I was there. But my body wanted something else. My fingers wanted to feel her skin. I was burning with an insatiable desire for her. When my fingers reached her skin, it was like I was catching fire. How could I ever pretend not having feelings for her?

She looked at me angrily like it was not my place to bring her her jacket, like it was a crime to be attentive. But I knew that she was mad because … I hurt her by turning her down after she kissed me.

My eyes glimpsed blood. Instantly, my heart dropped. I had a hard time trying not to let my face fall. I asked her if she was okay, but what I truly wanted to say was, if I could help her. It was clear that she did not want any help, at least, not coming from me.

She told me she was fine on her own. She lied. She just did not want anyone to see her pain. Although it was the last thing I wanted to do, I turned my back on her and walked away without glancing back once.

Since that moment I questioned my actions so far. Have I really done the right thing? Could I ever be happy without her? Could I ever learn to love Annie when all I could think about was Emma - even when I was sleeping with Annie, innerly wishing it was her? Was this how my life would be?

As if she was sensing my doubt in her sleep, Annie moved closer to me.

But once doubt was seeded in my brain, I could not pull it out like it was weeds, it was slowly beginning to grow.

—

On the next day I was meeting with Henry. He wanted to talk to me about something. We met not at our usual place since Regina arranged to take the wooden castle down. She said it was because she was concerned about Henry's safety. But I knew what she was really worried about. She feared that Henry would grow closer to Emma than the two of them had ever been. She knew he distrusts her, she knew Henry was looking for a way out of her home. I could understand her. She did not think about anyone but herself, she was selfish, not caring if she hurt Henry with taking his special place from him. All she cared about was that Henry belonged to her alone.

We met in the park where you could buy ice-cream if it was warm enough like today. He was waiting for me on a bench. I winked at him and pointed him to meet me at the ice cream van. I bought him some scoops ( - different flavors, only because I persuaded him too, otherwise it would have been 6 scoops of chocolate).

We sat down on a bench, where no one could see us. I understood that what he was going to say was important to him since we should not be disturbed. „How are you, lass? Haven't seen you in a while." „That's because I have spent some time with Emma." Now he looked upset. „What's wrong?" I was worried that something had happened to her, that she was lying in hospital, that she was … I could not even think it.

„My mum does not allow us to see each other. Emma only said, that she screwed up. It was about something Emma thought my mum was doing illegally but then later it came out she was wrong." I could see that he missed Emma. Something we had in common.

„And my book is missing. You did not happen to see it?" I shook my head. We were sitting next to each other in silence, Henry was eating his ice-cream.

„I cannot understand why my mum hates her so much." „I guess, that's something you will understand when you are grown-up." He put his ice-cream aside, he had not eaten much. That kid was highly depressed. How could Regina not see this? Wasn't his happiness more important than her own?

„No, I think I am the only one who truly understands her hatred for Emma. She is the evil queen, she cursed all of you and now her power is in danger because of Emma, the savior." I did not know what to say. I could not believe he was still believing everything in that book truly happened. I was just thinking he was going through a phase.

„Not allowing us to meet, is throwing operation cobra off. I believe in Emma, I believe that she can and will save all of you. But she does not have faith in herself." Now he was talking like he was a fifty year old guy with much experience. Nonetheless, he sounded insane.

„Henry, you and Emma will find a way, I am sure of that. Regina can't keep you apart forever." He wanted to say something but was interrupted by the loud noises of a motorbike. We both turned our heads in the direction of the sounds. There was someone not that far away from us, sitting on a motorcycle and watching us.

„Whose that?" I asked more to myself and did not expect an answer. „Some guy that is visiting Storybrooke." „Visiting? Strangers don't come to Storybrooke." „Yeah, I was curious too, but you cannot get anything out of him, not even his name." „You have met him before?" „Yeah, he ran into me and Emma the other day, asking where he could get a room." „So he has been around some time now?" „A few weeks, I guess."

Henry and I talked some more, my thoughts never leaving the stranger.

—

In the afternoon I was supposed to meet Annie at Granny's (since it was Valentine's day) but she was late. I guess something at work had to have hindered her. She loved her job, although I did not quite understand what she was doing. She worked in some kind of laboratory in the hospital. Something about analyzing blood samples.

I was sipping my coffee and thinking about the stranger. I wondered what he wanted in Storybrooke. There was just nothing to see here, nothing of significance that could attract tourists. Why go to a deserted place like this? Unless you had to hide something. I was suspicious of him, that's why I told Henry to stay away from him. I would never forgive myself if something happened to that kid because of my carelessness.

I looked out of the window and caught sight of shiny, golden curls. I set upright to get a better look at her. She was not alone, she was talking to that stranger. She was rubbing her temples and I could see, even from this distance that a huge bump was forming there. Had that son of a bitch hurt her? I knew he had had to be hiding something.

Filled with rage, I stormed outside. As soon as I opened the door, I could hear what they were talking about. „Thanks for bringing me, I could not have driven." „Are you really alright? That cane really seems to have hit you pretty bad." „I am just glad Gold did not kill that man. Who knows, if I had arrived a few seconds later…" „He appears to be a troubled man." „You have no idea. Everyone in Storybrooke is afraid of him and now I know why. But I got this feeling that his reaction was about more than just a few trinkets."

„Unless he tells you, I guess, we will never know." „Probably. Thanks again for bringing me, August. I am glad you were near the station or else I would have had to walk home from there, presenting everybody my disfigured face." „It's not that bad." There was silence. I only saw the back of her head. „What about that drink?" „I said sometime." He smiled at her. He waved at her and turned to leave.

She walked towards the diner, only then noticing me. At first there was this awkward silence between us. Neither of us knew what to say. And then she did the thing I least expected her to do. She smiled at me. A weak, whacked smile but nonetheless the most beautiful thing there ever was.

—

We sat in the diner, next to each other. I had asked Granny for some ice or frozen vegetables or meat just anything to stop her bump from swelling even more. I gently pressed frozen peas against her temple. She flinched. „Sorry." I wanted to draw it away but she stopped me. „No, it feels good."

„What happened?" I had eavesdropped and still could not make sense of what I had heard. „Oh, that is a long story, but to sum it up: Gold came to me, reporting he had been robbed, I found most of it and I also found out who did it (although Moe French has eloped), but something important to Gold was missing. He was frustrated, he went on this crazy justice-mission on his own. When I found him, he was hitting French with his cane. I went between the two of them, Gold's cane striking my head."

Her hand lay over my hand above the peas. Her hands were cold and yet, where our hands touched, it felt like I was burning. „I got it." I pulled my hand away reluctantly. „How come you are always that brave, Swan?" „Are you kidding me? I nearly wet my pants seeing Gold brutally hitting that poor guy. But all I could think about was to save them. Moe French from getting his bones broken and Gold, well … one day or other he would have regretted hurting him. At least, I hope I have spared him from regret."

„What did you do with them?" „Moe French is in hospital and Gold is under arrest, he is sitting behind bars in the station. I never thought I would see that." „What is going to happen to him?" „He will be a free man soon enough again, he has the ways and means to get himself out. But the strangest thing was, that Regina wanted to talk to him. ALONE." „And you let her?"

She glanced to the floor. „She let me see Henry for half an hour. How could I have said no?" „You don't have to exculpate yourself. I would have done the same thing. I have talked to him today. He has missed you." „And I missed him. Even though it was only half an hour, I enjoyed every second of it."

Then I asked the question that truly maltreating my brain. „And how did the stranger end up bringing you here?" I hope I did not sound jealous … „The ambulance men would not let me drive because they could not be sure if I had a brain concussion. The ambulance drove Moe French into the hospital and the emergency doctor brought me and Gold to the station. So the sheriff's car is somewhere deep down in the forest. And when I wanted to go home, August offered to drive me home with my bug and I accepted."

„Did you find out anything about the stranger?" „Not much. His name is August, he claims to be a writer, being here because of inspiration issues or whatever." I wanted to ask her about that drink, he mentioned. Did they go on a date? Was she interested in him? But I did not dare to ask. It was not my place to ask her. Although I did not want her to be with another guy.

She put the bag of peas that was now only semi-frozen on a plate that was left from another customer.

„How are you? I haven't seen you in ages!" „Good." „That is all you have to say?" „There is not much to tell." Again silence. But now it was not awkward anymore.

„What about your girlfriend?" She caught me off guard. I had no idea she knew about me and Annie (but I guess, she put two and two together after seeing us in the rabbit hole). „I get why you did not have time to see me, being all lovey-dovey." „I am sorry, I did not tell you. It's just … it happened real fast."

„Don't be sorry. I am glad you found someone. You deserve happiness." She stood up. „I should go home now. It has gotten late and I am exhausted. See you soon?" „I'll call you, I promise." She gave me a weak smile. I could only stare at her while she was slowly walking away.

You deserve happiness. That's what she had said.

Was I really happy?

—

Annie came two hours after we were supposed to meet. She was babbling about how sorry she was and what had delayed her. Her eyes lit up when she was talking about her job. She had always dreamed about helping people. She had achieved everything she had ever dreamed of. She was a winner.

I, on the other hand, had an underpaid job that was okay, I guess, but it was not fulfilling me. It should have been a temporal job only, just until I had someone who would absorb the business. But then life happened, I met Milah and everything else was unimportant. I never tried to reach my goal's in life again. I was the typical loser.

Why would someone like Annie fall for someone like me? Why would anyone ever fall for me?

I only half-listened to what she was saying. There was just so much going on in my mind that I could not concentrate on the conversation. My mind was always drifting back to Emma. I felt like a total jerk, sitting here with my actual girlfriend, thinking of another woman. Always thinking of another woman.

I could feel guilt rising in me, but also grief. Guilt because I could never be the one that Annie deserved. She was a heart-warming person and I truly wished I could love her. Things would be so easy.

Grief because I would never be able to enjoy the future lying ahead of us. The big wedding - Annie always dreamed of since she was a small child - we could celebrate, the children we could have (she wanted at least two), the house we could buy (of course near the ocean but a big one to have enough space for guests). I did not want any of this things. At least, not with Annie.

„Everything alright, Killian? You are so quiet today." „It's nothing, love, don't worry. I am just a bit tired." I was breathing lies, I was just a big pile of trash. „Do you want to go home?" „No, let's eat something first. It's still our first Valentine's day. Reminds me of giving you this!" It had taken me some time to find the right gift for her. I hoped that she would like it.

I did not specially wrap it, it was in a simple black box, the same box in which I had bought it. She looked speechlessly at me. Looked like she did not expect to get anything from me. I smiled at her and gave her an encouraging look to open it.

Although I was not that fond of being in a relationship with her, I wanted to at least try to be a good … boyfriend to her. That was the solution of my misery. Trying. It had to be enough for Annie, for me.

She opened the box. In it lay a necklace with lavaliere. It was a tiny golden seashell on which a heart-trinket filled with ‚water' was hanging.

„It's beautiful!" „Now you will always be caring the sea with you, even if you are at work." „And it will always remind me of you, my sailer! Would you mind helping me?" I put the necklace around her neck and closed the clasp. Her brown hair tickling my skin.

„I feel guilty now. I did not buy anything for you!" „I believe there are other ways that you can repay me." She grinned at me. „Well, we might just take the food with us and go home. You know, we have a microwave if anything was about to intervene." She took my hand in hers. „Sounds like a plan", I responded.

We picked up our food and left the diner.

On our way home she seduced me and we were having sex on the beach. The sex with Annie was nice, but nothing special. I guess, the secret ingredient to unforgettable good sex was LOVE after all.

—

Suppressing my true feelings and pretending otherwise was wearing me out. Nonetheless, that night I could not find sleep. I felt so numb on the inside.

Sometimes I wished I could just run away from everything. Leaving Storybrooke and all the feelings, the bad ones as well as the good ones, behind me. A fresh start somewhere, finally trying to become the man I had always wanted to be. Joining in the navy or something like that.

But I would not. I could not leave HER. And by that I did not mean Annie.

It would always be Emma.

Always.


	10. I thought my heart was bulletproof

**Sorry for the long wait! I hope you have not lost interest :) Please read and review! **

**Chapter 9: I thought my heart was bulletproof, until I met you**

Emma:

I was walking through the forest. Slowly walking because otherwise I would get out of breath too soon. I was no longer in a good shape, neither physically nor mentally.

Physically because of the illness which was progressing quickly without treatment. I once read that out of 400.000 adult cancer patients only 10.000 could be healed through chemotherapy. It does not surprise me that I was not one of them, given that statistic and my general luck in life.

I hated how weak the disease was making me. I could no longer go jogging. It was my number one hobby before the diagnosis. It was like flying, when the wind brushed over my face, when I ran so fast, that I could no longer feel the floor beneath me, when I pushed over my limits. I loved it. It was the greatest thing to me because I always felt so free while running, like nothing could stop me, no matter what was about to come.

How wrong I have been.

Everything changed and everything would get worse soon. I would no longer be able to walk around so leisurely, I would be bed-stricken, I would wait for salvation to end my struggling. I would loose the battle against the illness. I would be another victim that was claimed by cancer. One of millions. And I did not even know what caused it. The latency of genotoxic substances (some of them were contained in food, in our environment, food, tobacco etc.) was too long and there were too many to track the one fatal substance down. I could never know if it was genetically since I did not know who my parents were. Maybe it ran in the family. Maybe I just worked the wrong jobs (inhaling toxic gases and fine particles), ate the wrong stuff, dated the wrong guys who were into smoking.

I would never know. This uncertainty was sometimes eating me up because I always felt like I was being punished for something I had done wrong in the eyes of fate, god, whatever. I could live with the fact that I had brought this upon myself by consuming the wrong things because if I ever got to know it lay in my genes, my faith would forever be broken. Because then I would be unwanted and nonetheless, condemned to die because of some illness I inherited from the parents that gave me away, that did not want anything to do with me. I would have been saved by a boy all those years ago, only too die years later because of this fucking genetical illness. Unwanted and unworthy to live. Sometimes it felt this way.

My only wish was, that it was not genetically for the sake of Henry and the children he may once have. My time was running out. I knew I had to talk to Regina sooner or later. I hated that woman from the bottom of my heart, but she was Henry's mother. If I should leave him or tell him that I was ill and dying, than she should be with us. She should be there to comfort him. Maybe we could find peace with each other, once she realized I would and could never take Henry away from her.

And I needed to enjoy the few days I had left and by god, I knew it would be too little of them. Too little time for all the things there were still to do, the things that were still to see.

All the things considered, I should be worried about so many things, my nearing death, leaving Henry behind without explaining myself to him why I kept it secret, the life I would never have with him, the many things I would never achieve … but the one thing my brain would not shut up about was …KILLIAN.

I knew I made the right decision, going a step towards him, trying to be friends, being supportive about his girlfriend. He truly deserved to be happy after everything he went through with Graham recently.

It was foolish of me to have expected him to fall in love with a lethally ill person. He was searching for ultimate happiness and not temporary happiness. Very temporary happiness.

But since the encounter at Granny's dinner we at least constantly were talking on the phone, meeting each other, going to the movies and so on. A friendship was what we had, was what had to be enough for me. I enjoyed the time I spent with him and I was glad I did not turn my back on him once I got to know about Annie. A friendship with him was better than nothing.

He even introduced me to Annie. We got along quite okay, but it was always awkward when she joined in our meetings because then there was always silence between the three of us, unfunny jokes or meaningless small talk. I liked it better to have time with him on my own or together with Henry. Henry, Killian and I always had a good time, filled with laughter and for some time I forgot about my illness and I just felt … normal.

Annie was nice but I would not be able to like her since she took the one thing I truly wanted to have. I had dreams about shouting at her to take her hands off of him, about punching her sweet smile out of her face, about kissing Killian in front of her and him enjoying it and not pulling back like it had been in reality. Oh my, this dreams seemed to be a way of my subconsciousness to deal with the anger and sadness (as well as my desire for him) that have been built up in me. But this feelings were jut not decreasing, only getting stronger by the day.

I quickened my steps, it was so cold that I could see my breath dancing in front of my eyes. I tried to memorize every detail of this forest, from every tree to its bark, every color in this colorful forest with the green fir needles and the sun emerging from above the trees. I worshipped this moment and hoped to remember it for the times I would be stuck in a monotonous hospital room without colors, without hope, without joy. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. I listened to the many noises around me and I heard my own heartbeat. I was at total peace, everything else was forgotten.

Suddenly, there was a disturbing noise in the midst of the forest. It took me a while to realize it was my own cellphone. I picked it up. „Hello?" „Emma, love, how are you doing?" My heart started to beat faster. He had begun to call me ‚love' again. I had missed his flirting and pick-up-lines, although I knew now that they were meaningless towards me. „I am okay." „You sound a bit out of breath, where are you?" „Just walking in the forest." „Alone?" „Yeah, why?" „I just think it's a bit dangerous, love, I recall dragging you up from the forest floor once upon a time." „That was just because I was high." „I am worried though, I don't want anything to happen to you and I could stand a bit of fresh air. Where are you exactly? I am picking you up."

—

I was sitting on a tree stub, rubbing my hands against each other to make them warm. I was waiting for Killian. Some time has gone by since his phone-call. I thought about leaving two or three times but decided against it since I had more time to study the landscape.

And then, there he was, almost running towards me. He was smiling and wearing a black leather jacket that was hugging his figure perfectly. He looked absolutely stunning. His hair a total mess and nonetheless, perfect. I wanted to run my fingers through his thick hair. I still remembered the scent of it from his pillow although it felt like a lifetime has gone by since then. I wondered if all the theories about falling in love were true, that you were attracted by someone not because of their looks but because of their smell. Recalling his scent, which was driving me insane, it surely was possible.

„Hey, sorry it took me so long." „No problem. It's not that I had anything to do anyway. It's Saturday, so Henry is with Regina the whole day." „If you wanted company, all you had to do was ask." „I did not want to impose myself on you. Neither did I want you to throw aboard your plans with Annie." „She is at her sister's this weekend and other then that I would never feel like you forced your company on me. You are my friend, I like spending time with you, love. So next time don't hesitate and call me, understood?" „Yeah."

He had sat down next to me, our knees were touching. I still hated how he made me feel, like some hormone-driven, lovesick teenager. Every touch of his was sending flashes through my whole body. I was shivering, not because of the cold but because of his nearness. His head was turned towards me, his breath touching my cheeks. „Are you cold? We should head back." His face was inches away from mine. If I lifted my head a few millimeters, our lips would touch. I had to get those thoughts out of my brain! I had always condemned MM silently to feel attracted to a taken man and now … I was the same! Every thought was poisoned with dark, forbidden desires, with foolish actions, with stolen kisses. It was like I could not breathe anymore unless I would take action. I felt like being chocked. I did not know what to do. I convulsed.

When I looked at him again, he nearly jumped up. The distance between us made it easier for me to breathe again. „Help me up?", my voice sounded hoarse. Hesitantly, he offered me his hand and I took it, he pulled me up, when suddenly I could see out from the corner of my eye, that a black, monstrous eagle was flying towards us, baring his claws.

I pushed Killian away, but since he did not let go of my hand, we were both landing on the floor, well, I landed on top of him. All I could see were his blue, blue eyes that always reminded me of the ocean, in which I got lost all the time. They made me weak, I did not know why. Like they saw my true feelings for him lying buried deep within me.

His eyes were locked with mine, until sprinkles of red caught my sight. „You are bleeding, Killian! Are you hurt?" I searched his face for any serious wounds, there was a bleeding scratch through one of his eyebrows. His hand wandered to the scratch. „What was that thing? I think it hurt me. Thank you for pushing me out of the way." „You are welcome."

Again this silence. But it was a good silence. I could not describe it. Just something I have never experienced with anybody else. I wanted it too last as long as possible -I was almost lying in his arms.

But then I overcame myself and picked myself up, I was kneeling and Killian was sitting. I dogged an unused tissue from my jacket pocket and dabbed the blood with it. „Am I going to survive, Doctor?", he mocked me. And yet, he seemed to regret his remark because guilt was masking his face. I hated how he thought he had to overthink everything in his head before speaking to me. I did not want to be handled with kid gloves. Sometimes I wished he did not know about my illness. I liked him better when he was talking freely to me.

„It's almost invisible." „Is my handsomeness still intact?" He said with that Irish accent of him, that was driving me crazy and directly went to my core. I had to overplay my craving for him, that's why I decided to play along with his necking. „Well, if Annie is into scars than yes." As soon as I said that, I jumped up and ran away from him. „Just you wait!" He was chasing me, but I could not compete against him.

That's why I said after a while: „Okay, stop! I surrender!" He was lifting me up and throwing me over his shoulder. He was spinning us around, until I my sight was spinning too. „Let me down, please!" I was laughing so hard now. „No, I am going to carry you to the car as your punishment for offending me." We both knew that it had been a joke and he noticed how out of breath I was, that was the only reason he carried me. Maybe it had some benefits of him knowing how ill I was since then I got body-contact now and again.

Again his scent was driving into my nose, tickling every cilia until it sank into my brain and was directly stored in my long-term memory.

Too soon we arrived at his car. „Should I drive you home?" He set me down slowly. „No, I am supposed to meet Mary Margret at the Miner's Day festival. She is selling candles in order to bank some good will. Last time I checked on her… well, I think it's going awful." „I am going to join you, haven't been at the festival for years. Get in the car."

—

We were walking next to each other, talking about random things. I could not speak so freely with anybody else. My mind constantly wondered about what it would be like to walk like this, additionally holding hands like being totally infatuated. For heaven's sake I was not romantically minded, but this place was absolutely enchanting in the dusk with all the chains of lights.

Everywhere you could buy stuff that you would never need and nonetheless, the people bought the junk. Killian and I had stopped once to buy something warm to drink, we carried the mugs with us while going to Mary Margaret's candle booth.

By the many unsold candles I could tell that they were barely making sales. The town's drunk and the town's promiscuous woman. Leroy was looking frustrated and not really looking like he could talk people into buying any candles. Mary Margret on the other hand looked like a girlscout, too eager to bring her bars of chocolate to the uninterested people. I was sorry for both of them.

„I would like to buy 5 candles." Mary Margaret turned towards us. „Oh hey, you two. Killian, you don't have to do me a favor." He really was too kind. He had noticed too how poorly the two were selling candles. „No, I don't. I can really use them on my boat. You always have to be prepared for being stuck on the ocean." „Well, then here you go." Mary Margaret put them into a plastic bag, Killian took the candles and handed Mary Margaret the money.

„I really appreciate it, Killian." „I really do need candles though and it's for a good cause. I hope you will raise enough money to help the nuns." Killian was dragging me away from the booth, I mouthed a „See you later" towards Mary Margaret. She absently waved at me while putting the money into the register-box.

„Where are we heading?" „They sell pretty good waffles at one of the stalls. I am starving and because you are like an open book to me, I know you haven't eaten for hours, so I am buying us some waffles." I wanted to ‚but' him, once I saw his gaze, there was no disagreeing with him.

Once he got the waffles, he cut off a piece of the waffle and impaled it on the fork. „Open your mouth up, I promise it's delicious." He was feeding me and god, everything he did was just turning me on so much. We both were chewing the waffle and it truly tasted wonderful. He still was smiling at me, revealing his perfect teeth.

If this whole day had been a date, it would have been one of the nicest I ever had. Must be because he was someone I really liked and not one of the many douche-bags I have dated in the past.

After the waffle I wanted to go home, but Killian was talking to someone sitting in a booth. I was standing a bit offside. His back was turned towards me, I knew that he was a taken man but nobody could say anything about me checking him out, staring at his ass. I was bitting my lower lip. My attraction for him was growing with every passing second, my heart was beating faster per minute.

And then suddenly, everything blackened. Had to be an electricity cut. But I was not afraid of the darkness. I saw it as a chance. A chance to take actions into my own hand. To free me of this feelings. I did not know what came over me, but I walked over to Killian, I was sure he could not see me, because I could see nothing but blackness. But I knew exactly where he was standing, his exact position was burned into my brain.

I could feel the leather of his jacket brushing my skin, while I embraced him. I crushed my lips on his, still tasting the icing sugar of the waffles on his lips. My fingers drove into his thick hair like I had imagined it earlier this day.

The odd thing was, he did not push me away. I could be anyone, a total stranger and yet, he responded to the kiss. He even deepened the kiss, his tongue asking for permission, which was granted without hesitation. He was such a good kisser that my knees were starting to buckle. It felt like fainting and flying at the same time.

When I noticed the first light appearing in the far distance, I pulled away and walked towards the spot I have stood before. Should I stay? No, I had to get away. This was a bad idea. I wanted to push the thoughts out of my mind by taking actions but the only thing I reached, was, wanting him more, desiring more than just a kiss.

I ran away, once I was out of sight, I was texting Killian that there was an emergency at the station and that I had to get away. I knew it was making me the number one suspect and yet, I did not care, he and I … we (well, surely I more than him) had to forget the kiss. He had a girlfriend that he seemed to deeply care about.

My fingers wandered to my lips, brushing over them softly. I would forever remember how soft his lips were, how they moved against mine, how his beard-stubbles had tickled my skin.

Stupid me. Why did I always fall for the wrong guys? That either were not giving a shit about me, treating me like shit or not wanting me at all. It was frustrating.

—

I was sitting in my office just for pretense. There was nothing to do for me. It was Saturday for god's sake. Even Mr. Gold had been released a few days ago, so I could not even make smalltalk with him to put my mind off of this kiss.

I hated my endorphins! Why was I doing that? Why was I kissing him? What if I destroyed everything now? Why did something so wrong feel so good? I wanted to creep in some dark hole and never come out of it again.

How should I face him again? Even if he did not know how it had been, the kiss would be always standing between us.

I was eating ice-cream with bits of chocolate-bars and chocolate-sauce and whipped cream. I needed some calories. I always was eating if something was a total mess, it was the only thing to help me see clearly again. One spoonful ice after the other was landing in my mouth. Once you start with such things you can never stop, it was like a legalized drug that was tasting even better with every bite.

I startled up when the phone was ringing. The spoon was flying out of my hand, everywhere was ice-cream. I had to take a few deep breaths to calm myself and swallow the rest of the ice-cream that was still in my mouth before picking it up.

—-

I held it in my own hands. The supposedly proof that David had to be lying to me, he phoned with Kathryn only hours before she went missing. But his voice was so honest, no guilt, no hesitation, no stuttering, no shacking in it, when he told me they had not spoken since they broke up and that when he got home, all her things were missing and that he assumed she went to Boston. Either my illness was weakening my ability to tell truth from lie or someone was setting him up. I did not know what this all meant.

I tossed the phone-records aside and I sat into my car. I questioned why I was so calm when everything in me was doubting what I was about to do. Why did I let Regina cloud my mind? But she was only worried about her friend. She wanted to get answers as well as I.

Killian had to know that Kathryn was missing too by now, since he was the only person that could tow away the abandoned car just meters from the ‚Leaving Storybrooke' sign. And now my text message was not made up anymore. It felt like karma to me. I had told a lie to get away, to hide my identity in the kissing-case from Killian and now, Kathryn was missing and it seemed to be the only suspect and the only one with a motive was David, the husband that had left her, that had had an affair. It should be the other way around, why would he hurt Kathryn?

I came to a halt in front of the town's place where the Miner's Day festival was still being celebrated. I did not know why but I had the feeling that I would find him here. The place had lost everything that was so enchanting earlier this day. Now there was just this nervousness inside of me, I felt like betraying Mary Margaret for not being able to find Kathryn.

I caught David starring at Mary Margaret from some distance. He knew that he had messed up. I knew that he was a good guy. He never wanted to hurt anyone, that's why he did not tell Kathryn about the affair when she already decided leaving Storybrooke behind her. I would prove his innocence no matter what. But I had to fulfill my duty as sheriff, I could not let him loose if there was the slightest chance that I had been wrong about him.

He turned towards me. God, I was so not ready for this. „Emma?" „David, we need to talk." There was hope in his eyes, hope that would be crushed soon and turned into something worse. Helplessness. Everything was pointing towards him. „Did you get ahold of Kathryn?" „No, I am afraid not." Now he was confused. I would be too. I caught the first pairs of eyes watching us. Maybe it had not been the best idea to arrive with the sheriff's car.

„I need you to come to the sheriff's station with me a-and tell me everything, David." „I thought I already did." „And so did I." He was walking towards the sheriff's car, not with shame like you would expect of a man who has supposedly made his wife disappear. Our backs were being watched, the crowd behind us was growing and when they saw that he sat in the back, everyone knew something was up. I caught Mary Margaret's eyes, looking shocked and confused and maybe a bit hurt because I did not tell her anything about what was going on?

I sat behind the driving wheel and started the car. I needed to solve this case and if it was the last thing I did.


	11. Shadows of the past

**_Sorry for the long wait! But I had so much to do for university and now with the christmas stress I had not much time writing. That's also the reason for the chapter to be this short, I apologize for this too but I did not want to keep you hanging in the air any longer! I hope you enjoy the short chapter :) _**

**_Chapter 10: Shadows of the past_**

Killian:

_A faceless monster with the skin of a crocodile was standing across from me. A laugh that was earsplitting and so inhumanly. A dagger with a name written on it - a name that is lying on the tip of my tongue, yet I cannot get ahold of it - is lifted in the air, threatening me. I knew that this dagger was important, the key to something. _

_Something was glowing in my hand, it felt warm against my cold skin but yet I did not know what was in my fist and I seemed to be unable to open it. Suddenly, I was pinned to something, a rope around my body, hindering me from moving. I was rebelling and yet, the ropes would not loosen. _

_A figure standing between me and the creature. _

_Dark brown hair shining in the sunlight. A familiar smell of ocean and sweetness. Milah. _

_She was talking to the monster, her voice was shaky. She seemed to be reasoning with him, as though she knew him. I could feel the tension in the air, but I could not hear a single word, it was like I was deafened. _

_The two figures were unmoving. It was the quiet before the storm, I knew something was about to happen. Something very bad and yet, I could do nothing against it. _

_The scene changed and Milah was lying in my arms, barely breathing. I could not feel her heart-beating, which was bereaving me of my logicalness, how was it possible for her to breath and talk without a heart-beat? She was dying, her life was slowly coming to an end. She seemed to be in a lot of pain. I talked to her, trying to show her a reason for fighting. She could not leave me behind like this. I needed her. With her last strength, she whispered: „I love you, Killian." Then her eyes were sealed shut, I would never see the sprinkle of adventure or the love she felt for me in them. _

_And then there was this ache from somewhere in my body. Pain I could not place or describe. Pain and blood. Blackness before my closed eyes, red before my open eyes._

_Nothing made sense anymore._

_Another change in the scenery. A shadow with glowing eyes was displacing me and tossing me into the ocean. Blinding darkness, my orientation gone. But then there was something shimmering in front of me. A tail. Creatures circling me, creates half-human and part fish. Mermaids. I could hear them growling, I could hear their teeth baring. They were hungry for my flesh. Their screams made my blood run cold. I wanted to get out of there as fast as possible and yet, I did not move. One wrong move could be fatal. I was sure I was going to die. Mauled by the mermaids. _

_But then a hand was grasping through the water. I took it and was lifted with light speed through the water, leaving the mermaids far beneath the surface. _

_I was lying on a beach, Milah hovering over me. How was this possible? She had died only minutes or hours before. Time seemed to work different now. „My beloved Killian." She was cupping my cheeks, I placed my hand over hers, but I reached through her. Was she a ghost? _

_„__I have loved you so much. Don't trust anyone that tries to make you believe otherwise, not even yourself, hear me?" I could feel no weight of her body, but I did not even feel my own body, it was like an out-of-body-experience. Or maybe I have drowned or eaten alive by the mermaids and now we were together in heaven or whatever this place was. But something was nagging at my mind, it was not my time to be here? Someone was waiting for me. _

_„__You have forgotten me." „No, how could I ever forget you?" She smiled at me. „You have forgotten who you truly are, so you have forgotten me. You are so much more than what you believe." „What do you mean, Milah?" „The answer is locked deep inside of you, Killian. You have to recall our past and your past without me, to find who you are."_

_„__I don't understand!" „Remember who you are, Killian. It's the only way to save HER." „Save who?" „The Swan girl." _

_I was so confused, how could she know Emma? What the fuck was happening right now? „I wish we had more time." She placed a kiss on my lips. This time, I could feel it or just remember how it felt like kissing her. I could feel her pulling away at some point. „Don't leave me, Milah!" My hand tried to reach her but she was slowly drifting away from me. „Hold on to the memory you regained today, at least a part of it." „What do you mean?" „What you knew all along, Killian. I did not kill myself, I never would have, I loved my life. You remembered a glimpse of the day I died." My world felt upside down. I knew now that this must be a dream, but I did not care, if I had only a few more minutes with her, even if she was talking rubbish. I jumped up and ran towards her, but every step I made towards her felt like being thrown back two steps. _

_„__Remember who you are, Killian. And become happy again. There is a reason you are alive." She said, as blackness embraced her and she disappeared. _

—

I woke up, drenched in sweat. I still could feel the pain of whatever has happened to me in my dream. Every muscle in my body was tensed. I was shaking, this was something completely different to every dream I had had lately. I was sitting on the sofa, the TV was running, I must have dosed off since I have not slept very good in a while.

Since her kiss I tossed and turned the whole night, no position was comfortable enough to fall asleep in. I was haunted in my dreams, by what I could not tell. This dreams were driving me out of my mind. How were these dreams connected to Emma's kiss?

I knew it had been her, the moment her fingers brushed over my leather jacket. Her scent was surrounding her like an aura, my nose recognized it the instance she stepped nearer. At first my mind had thought, she was only searching me because she was afraid (stupid me), but my body had known her plan all along, every hair on my body was upright and my body waited for her to make the first move. When her lips touched mine, I was under her spell. They were so soft and tasted like pure sin. It felt so right and so different to every kiss I ever shared with Annie. It was like my stomach was exploding, it was like my heart jumping out with every beat, it was like flying.

When the candles were lit, she was gone. Did she regret it? Or was she just afraid of my reaction since she thought I was in love with Annie? God, I needed to talk to her! I was the reason we were in this situation to begin with. If I had stood by my feelings for her, we would not be caught up in this mess, where everyone was unsatisfied.

I even had this big fight with Annie. I was not the one who had started it. I guess, she was beginning to feel my unhappiness. She was beginning to see through my lies. She had been mad at me for not accompanying her to her sister's birthday but I had not felt like meeting her whole family all at once. It was so much easier if not that many people were involved. If I met her sister and her parents and aunts and uncles then if we broke up, it felt like I had to split up with them too (since I would grow fond of them, I always had wanted a big family, but I have been utterly alone all my life).

She was beginning to doubt me or maybe doubting herself whether if I really was the knight in shining armor that she had always believed I was. I could see it in her eyes. I could feel her pulling away from me. We were yelling at each other and she even slept at her own place, saying that she needed some space right then. I have not heard from her since then. She was ignoring my calls, my voicemails, my text-messages. I wanted to talk to her, to finally tell her the truth. That she just was not the one.

Before I would talk to Emma again, I needed to clear things up with Annie. I finally needed to find the guts to do the right thing. End my relationship with Annie, listen to my heart. Emma was everything that mattered to me. I was such a coward wasting so much precious time. Stolen time can never be gained back, it forever stays locked in the past, unable to grasp it.

I was still questioning, what the meaning of the dream had been. Remembering my past to save Emma? How could you save someone from an incurable illness? And what past?

My whole life I have been in Storybrooke, there was nothing much to remember. A father who had abandoned the family, a mother who had died soon. But suddenly there was this pain in my chest, like my heart stopped beating. Maybe just because I was forgetting to count Graham as my family. He had been like a brother to me.

My brain was working hard, I could feel my head spinning. And then suddenly, an image of a young man popped into my head. He looked like he came out of a movie. Then, there was a name to the portrait. A name that seemed to be important since I could feel a tickling in my whole body. LIAM. While speaking it out loud a few times in succession, it sounded and felt so familiar like the name has fallen from my lips a thousand times.

No matter how hard I tried to remember, I could not recall ever meeting a Liam. Maybe he was an uncle that passed away while I was a child? But there had surely been some pictures of him in the belongings of my mother and father, if this was true. No, I was getting insane. I was sure of that now. I even listened to my dreams! You could no longer reason with me. This name … Liam … I must have overheard it somehow while sleeping in front of the TV. And once you say something often enough, everything feels familiar. I had no different past, no different life. This was silly. It seemed like I needed to get an appointment at Dr. Hopper's. Maybe it would help talking to him, after everything that has happened.

My eyes fell onto the tv. There was a random channel whose name did not even say anything to me. I watched a few minutes until I realized it was a fairytale. The Little Mermaid by Hans Christian Andersen, not the happy Disney version but the original one where he was in love with another and she throws herself into the water and dissolves into foam.

While watching the fairytale, something else comes to my mind. „You are all fairytale characters banned into this world, cursed to forget who you were for all times." Henry's words were ringing in my ear now. Could it be true? Was he right all along?

Maybe everything would make sense now. I always knew that Milah and I … we were happy. She loved me as much as I loved her. Her suicide always seemed so surreal to me.

That's because it never happened.

I needed to find Henry.


	12. Broken Dreams

**I am so overwhelmed by the response this story gets :) I never dreamed about so many people being interested in what I write! I am so glad you like it! Here another chapter! And keep up reviewing, favoriting and following my story, it spurs on my motivation and my inspiration :)**

**Chapter 11:** Broken dreams

Emma:

I have not slept all night. Nothing made sense. David was not lying to me, he had no reason to, no motive. He was not the one who was betrayed, he was the one with the affair, he had intended to leave his wife when she found out. If David had went messing and Kathryn was the only suspect, she had a motive! Revenge. But David? No. I was sure he had nothing to do with Kathryn's disappearance. Looking into his eyes, I could see that he longed for answers as much as I did. He still cared about her in a friendly way. And how couldn't he? They have spent so much years together although they were not right for each other. They both hindered each other to fulfill their dreams.

David had told me Kathryn had always wanted to attend law school and she even applied and was accepted in Boston. She had asked him to come with her but he had declined, knowing that he would never have been happy again, leaving Storybrooke and MM behind. They needed to go separate ways, he truly believed it was the best for the two of them.

He had spoken so sincerely of his wife, I could not imagine him ever daring to hurt her intentionally. And I hoped that my superpower did not give up on me in the time I needed it the most. I did not want an innocent to get blamed for something he has not committed but more importantly, I did not want Mary Margaret to get even more hurt. Although the times were people whispered behind her back, were she was considered an outcast and no one dared to come to near to her because of what other people might think, too worried about their reputation, were over now, David's lies towards her still gave her food for thoughts. And now that Kathryn disappeared, she looked even more exhausted than before. She had dark circles under her eyes, she was not much to talk too, always lost in thoughts.

Whenever I saw her, she asked me about David, how he was, if I knew something new regarding Kathryn, if I checked Boston again and I always had to destroy her hopes. There was no sign of Kathryn.

Mary Margaret was the sweetest person there ever was. Even though David had treated her so poorly, she still believed in him. She had never doubted that he had anything to do with the supposedly crime. She would defend him if people talked condescendingly about him. I wondered if he even knew how much Mary Margaret loved him. And even though she was so emotionally so exhausted, she still cared for me, preparing meals for me, taking care that I took my medicine, my painkillers and so on, serving me tea and hot cocoa because drinking was important, and always asking me to work less hours even if it meant that David was blamed for Kathryn's absence longer. She even offered to help me after school. But there was nothing we could do.

There still was no crime. Kathryn was an adult, maybe she had decided to leave Storybrooke behind without her car, without her belongings. She was accountable to none. Even if she was reported missing, I doubted that police would be searching for her. But I had to find her, to make sure Mary Margaret could sigh with relief so that she could start over and find her happy ending. I had not realized I cared this much about MM but she has grown so close to me, like the sister I never had. It made me sad, seeing her like this.

There was only one positive aspect of the whole thing. It prevented me from thinking of Killian too much. I haven't heard from him since the Miner's Day festival. I still tasted him on my lips, I still dreamed about that kiss and yet, I was sure it would never repeat. No response from him was also an answer. I was sure he knew that it was me kissing him. The only thing that nagged at my brain, was that he had responded to the kiss, his fingers had travelled over my back, every touch of him had made me feel so alive. Every passing second his kiss had made the butterflies in my stomach flatter more widely.

I was sitting at my desk, staring blankly out of the window. There was a world in front of my eyes and yet, I could not see it because he was standing in the way for me to interact with it. All my thoughts revolved around him. All I could see was him, didn't he realize that? I would be the happiest woman on earth if he would call me and tell me that he split up with Annie to be with me, even if I was ill, even if we only had little time left, even if we had wasted too much time already or rather because of all those things. I wanted him to ask me to elope with him, to live in the moment and not caring about tomorrow. It was better to have a short, pure relationship filled with love and happiness than having a relationship that was secure but never going to be your one true love. Rather an explosion of emotion than a small flamelet. At least, that's what I told myself. And how could I say differently? I was the one dying, not him. I was the one leaving him in the end, although I did not want to.

Would I choose him if our places were reversed? I knew that ‚what ifs' were just a waste of time because you never knew how things would have turned out if I was not ill but him, if we even have met then and so on, but nonetheless, I believed that I would have left my version of Annie in this parallel universe to be with him because he has made me brave, brave to finally think I deserved a love that consumed me, that I did not draw misfortune wherever I walked. He had made me smile again, he opened my eyes and showed me a whole new world. He had led me to dream again, dreams of happier days, dreams where I was not ill and we could stay together for the rest of our long lives, growing old together, sticking together in good times as in bad. But that's all I would get. Dreams. In reality I would silently carve for him, I would secretly love him till I would make my last breath.

But no matter how things would end between me and Killian, I would never regret meeting him, I would always be glad for the moments we have had together, they were locked in my brain and next to the memories I had with Henry, they were the most precious thing to me.

Thinking of the two most important boys in my life, I could feel my eyes getting heavier. I could feel myself smiling while falling asleep on my chair in my office.

_My feet dangled from the gangplank, sometimes they would dip into the water. I could feel the coolness of the water refreshing me only due to hanging my feet in there. I felt peaceful sitting there, although I could not see much since it was early in the morning and the sun had not risen yet. And nonetheless, it was magical, I could see the first ships leaving port to either go fishing or on a trip or whatever they were heading out to. The lights of them were reflected on the water in all shades of yellow, orange and white, turning the dark night into something bright. _

_It was one of the few times I enjoyed to be alone, just to have a moment to myself. When the sun was slowly rising, I jumped up and hiked my way up. I could see our blue house being lit by the first rays of light. Someone was awaiting me on the porch, what I assumed to be a cup of hot cocoa in his hand. I smiled at him the whole way I walked towards him. I sat next to him in the canopy swing on the porch. I snuggled against him like I did every day. I took the cup from him and whispered (since it was so early in the morning and I felt like having to be silent): „Thank you." And I was not just thanking him for the cocoa, I thanked him for being in my life, for fulfilling me, for loving me, for always being there for me, for making me the best present of my life: happiness, love and joy._

_We sat next to each other in silence, enjoying the sunrise and the peaceful time before the house would be filled with life. It did not take long for them to wake up. The first one was Henry, coming out to us with his dog in tow. He played with the dog, throwing the ball for him again and again, chasing him through our big garden. After a while also the twins woke up. A girl and a boy, both looking so much like their father with their ocean-blue eyes and the similar features of his face. But they were light haired like their mother. _

_Killian walked towards the kids, chasing them, making them scream out in pleasure. I still sat on the porch, drinking my cup of cocoa and enjoying to watch my family as they were having a good time, their laughter was music to my ears, their joy was balm to my soul. _

_But then, I could feel the earth shaking beneath me. I was thrown to the floor, my head in pain. Everything was black, I closed my eyes to regain my vision. When I opened them again, still blackness and yet, I knew something has changed. I could feel walls surrounding me, trapping me and claustrophobia was rising in me. I felt like I could not breathe. I knocked against the metal walls, I screamed for help - my own voice ringing in my ears. I had no idea why I have been ripped from my family, why I was in this dark place. Tears were beginning to fill my eyes. _

_A tiny door opened at the end of my feet. Before I could make a move, I was being pulled out, blinking against the bright light. A man dressed in a white coat was hovering over me. Smelling of disinfectants and soap. I talked to him but he did not seem to hear me. I waved at him to call attention to myself, but still no reaction of him. Then suddenly, Mary Margaret was standing next to him. A handkerchief pressed against her eyes. He had his hand on her shoulder to maybe give her comfort? She looked so sad. I wondered what had happened. „I still cannot believe it. It happened so quickly. I thought she had more time. She had deserved more time." I asked her, what she was talking about but it was like I was mute. Tears were rolling down MM's cheeks. „She cannot be dead." Then it hit me. She was talking about me. In my head acute lymphoblastic leukemia appeared. I was ill. I was going to die. I never had a family. I was utterly alone and had been my entire life. And now… I was dead? No, this could not be! I stood up and shook her, screaming again and again that I was not dead that she just had to see me! Was this how being dead worked? Forever trapped on earth, watching the people you once cared for? _

_All of a sudden, I was standing in a room with rows of empty chairs. I walked down the aisle towards the coffin. Only two people were sitting in the very front, dressed completely in black. I recognized them as Henry and Mary Margret. They both looked devastated, like their hearts have been crushed. Although I already knew who was lying in the coffin, I still flinched when I saw my own face in it, drenched from every color, looking alien. I sank to the floor. I could feel tears wetting my cheeks. This could not be it! I could not be dead! Shouldn't I have noticed? Shouldn't I have been in pain? But maybe they gave me morphine. That could also explain the hallucinations or dreams of having a family. _

_A tiny hand was placed on my shoulder. I looked up. „Don't cry, Mommy, it is going to be okay, I promise." Although I now knew that she has never been real, that my subconsciousness had made her up, I still believed her words, the words of my daughter with the ocean-blue eyes of her father. Maybe she was the product of the life I could have had. She helped me up and pulled me with her. As I walked the aisle in the other direction, the room was suddenly filled with people, in the first rows the people I got to know in Storybrooke were sitting, Ruby, Granny, August … even Regina. The farther away we got from the coffin, the more people of my past looked at me. Anna and her husband, all the other foster families my mind had tried to forget, my doctors, the people that have hired me, the people I had hunted down, the people that had been important to me like Lily and at last Neal. All of them were smiling at me, which was the most absurd thing in the world. I had to slow down to take in all of their faces. Nonetheless, the little girl still pulled me forwards but while walking further I could hear whispers of apologies from all of them. They all begged me to leave them behind in the past where they belonged, that I should finally move on. Neal stepped towards me and said: „I have never deserved you, Emma. I am glad you finally found Tallahassee with someone else." He gave me one of his smiles that I have always loved. I had always dreamed about meeting him again, about being reunited with him and yet, when the moment was finally here, I wished he was someone else. „Why are you all here? Am I not dead?" My daughter dragged me forward to a door completely drenched in light. I could see nothing. But then a hand was offered to me and I knew it was him. Killian. „Your time is not up yet, Emma. Don't waste it." I reached out for him. He pulled me through the door and I fell into nothingness._

My phone was ringing. I snapped out of the dream and woke up confused. A piece of paper was sticking to my cheek. It was just a dream. I ignored the phone call as I noticed the enormous headache. Must be the reason why my beautiful dream about my life with Killian had turned out so dark. I still shivered thinking of all the people in the imaginative room of my dream. I looked in my purse if I had anything with me to free me of this pain but I must have forgotten the painkillers at home. I cursed, repeating „Fuck." at least a thousand times. My hand wandered to my temples, trying to massage the pain away but it would not work. After having drunk something, there still was no improvement.

I grabbed my phone and my keys and headed to the drugstore. I needed something for the head of mine which was killing me now. When I got there, the hurt has intensified. I bumped into shelves, knocking things down which only delayed getting relief of this headache. I finally reached the shelve of my interest and randomly picked something promising headache-relief that was not based on aspirin. Okay, it was not really randomly since there are not that many products that I am allowed to take. It took me long enough since the writing was blurring in front of my eyes. It felt like a victory to me when I finally had the small package in my hand.

On my way to the counter, I stumbled due to another wave of pain and I bumped into someone. Something fell to the floor. I picked it up. A pregnancy test. I looked up, words of congratulations on the tip of my tongue, when I saw Annie standing before me. Her eyes swollen as if she had cried. I thought my mouth has dried out but still I heard myself say: „I am sorry, I did not mean to … push you. Here is your… test." But it was not really me talking, it was just another Emma that has overtaken control of my body, that did not want to show any weakness although the true Emma's heart has cracked into thousand little pieces that would never come back together again. She took it from me and threw it in her basket. She hurried away.

She had already walked a few steps when she suddenly turned around again and walked towards me again. „I know you and Killian are close, so please don't tell him, I … I have not spoke to him about this. I am just a few days overdue and … oh god, I really hope it's just because of the stress I had had lately. I cannot be a mother! I am too young." Words were bubbling out of her mouth, I could see she was close to tears again. I grabbed her by her shoulders. She stared at me, shocked and confused. „Annie, calm down, go home, talk to Killian and make the test. There is no use in panicking without knowing for sure. And even if it is positive, you don't have to worry about the future. You have a family supporting you and a boyfriend that is wonderful, he would make a hell of a father." I did not know where all those words were coming from, when all I wanted to do was crying and screaming and eating as much candies as my own body weigh and drowning my sorrow in tequila. Maybe my subconsciousness still remembered owing her for being so nice to me that one night where I had felt like shit. Or it was just the other Emma that still wanted to pretend she was fine, that she would be joyful for her friend and his girlfriend to get a baby.

She brushed away her tears. „You are right. I may be a bit dramatic. Would it be the worst that could happen to me? Killian and I …we could manage being parents… Thank you, Emma. I appreciate it very much. See you soon?" „I hope you have good news for me the next time I see you two." I even smiled at her. A fucking smile! I wanted to punch myself, I wanted to curl up on the floor here and now and just cry until Mary Margaret would come and pick me up, serving me one of her wonderful meals and comforting me. My god, when had I become so needy of MM? Like a child crying for his mother. The smile lasted as long as Annie was in sight. Once she left the store, I put the painkillers away, my headache gone, my heartache being not treatable.

It took only seconds from dreaming of a life with Killian to being woken from the bubble that burst. They would get a child. He would be a father. He would have a family of his own. I know that he had always dreamed about having a family. He would be happy. Knowing that had to be enough because now there was no way we could ever be together, even for the short amount of time I had left. I was no family wrecker. I would never ever again dare to make a move. And yet, I would forever regret not knowing how it would have been like to be in heaven on earth.

On my way home I saw Ruby sitting on her suitcases that were so filled up with her stuff I feared they would explode and all of her things would be flying around and landing on the street. She had been crying I could tell, a bottle of something I could not identify in her right hand. I walked towards her in prospect of getting something of that drink. „Hey Ruby, are you going on a vacation?" She chuckled but it was a frustrated, depressing chuckle. „I wish. No, I had a big fight with Granny. I quit my job." „You quit?" She nodded at me, taking a sip of the brew. I asked her for a slug, the thing burned my whole mouth. It tasted like memory-loss and a dammed hangover. I had to cough.

„Who gave you that?" „Dr. Whale." „Did he bother you?" „God, Emma, no, I can handle guys, you know that." „So what are you planning to do?" I had taken seat next to her. „I don't know. I am just leaving, I guess." „Buses out of town don't happen." „Emma, I know, I have lived here all my life!" „I just wanted to suggest you deciding on a destination first. And while figuring it out, you can always come stay with me and Mary Margaret." „Really?" Her eyes had lit up. „MM is really down because of David. You would do me a favor cheering her up a bit. I think you are the person she needs now." „But only for a little while." „As long as you need a place to stay." „Thank you, Emma." „Of course. And now, let me help you carry your suitcases." I worked my way up and helped Ruby up. I lifted two of the suitcases and jokingly groaned out. „Did you take all the skeletons in your closet with you as well?" „Very funny. You better shut up, I don't see much lifting going on! We better hurry to get home."

MM the good person she was, had of course nothing against Ruby staying with us. To celebrate our temporal steady-sleepover she made grilled cheese which she knew I could never say no to. We were sitting in the living room, eating on the couch and watching dumbing down tv program. Ruby was the funniest and best person to have around when all you wanted to do, was forget.

MM was so caught up in her mess, that she did not even seem to notice how sad I was. I had not told a single soul about the very likely pregnancy of Annie. I guess, it was too painful to speak it aloud. So I just stayed silent as I watched my two friends doing karaoke. I had to admit that both their voices were pretty good and after their performance I would find an excuse to go to bed because I did not want to blame myself! While MM was singing I could see that she had needed a girl's night to have fun. She looked a lot more relaxed and not so troubled. I should have suggested this a long time ago.

Since Ruby quit her job, I offered her to come with me to the station. There she could look for jobs or whatever. I even worked outside of my office on a desk next to her's. It felt good having someone around. After Graham's death I felt quite lonely as sheriff in this station all by myself. In the breaks I could talk to her and forget about worrying for MM and Kathryn and David … and Killian. I feared him calling me and telling me about the pregnancy. It was one thing pretending in front of Annie that everything was okay but with Killian … I could not tell what I would say, how I would react. I tipped at crying. Seemed like it was my number one hobby now since running was not possible anymore.

When I came back from the toilet one time in the morning, I overheard Ruby taking a phone call. „ Sheriff's station. How can I help you? Mm-hmm. I'll get her to you, too." The phone was ringing again and Ruby picked up this call as well. „Sheriff's station. Hey, miss Ginger. Uh, no, that's not a prowler. That's Archie's dog Pongo. Throw him a vanilla wafer. He'll quiet down. Did you still want to talk to Emma? Great. Glad I could help."

I walked in and sat down. „I just took your calls, I hope that was okay." „Oh yeah, I am glad you did. I hate talking to people on the phone. So how is it going with searching for a job?" I said with an intention in my mind. „I am good at nothing. All of them want so many references and degrees I don't have." „Ruby, I just saw you with the phone." „Well, that's nothing." „That's not nothing! I actually have some budget if you wanna help out around here." „Really? REALLY? Oh my god, yes! Emma you are truly my personal hero!" „Don't forget that because I can be a pain in the ass as a boss." We were both laughing.

„Want something to eat, Emma? I could grab us something." I wondered why she was asking herself since she just had a fight with granny. „I can never say no to grilled cheese. You know the only diner you can pick food up is the diner of your granny?" „I know. I just want to inform her that I am okay and that I have a roof over my head and a job. We may have our differences from time to time but she is still my granny and I love her and I know her, so I know she is worrying about me." She put on her red jacket. „And of course I want to show off, how well I am doing!" „You are one of a kind. Well, then tell her that the sheriff is paying you good money." I smiled at her. „And don't forget to bring the grilled cheese! Ever since you mentioned food, all I can think about is eating!" „Aye, aye, boss!"

After we finished work for today, I closed up the station. The headache from yesterday had returned. I was so glad to get home soon, take something against the pain and maybe draw a bath. My phone was ringing. I feared it was Killian but when I checked the ID it was MM, so I picked it up. „Emma, it's David. He is in the woods. He just looked through me … it's like he is a totally different person…" „I'll find him, MM. Ruby, we have to check if David is in trouble. It's your first case as my deputy!"


	13. I'll be with you

**Chapter 12: I'll be with you**

Killian:

We were sitting at granny's diner, the kid had ordered something to eat. I nervously waited for the food to arrive, so that we would not be interrupted while talking. I drummed my fingers on the table. I always glanced to the kitchen door, always waiting for the meal Henry had asked for.

„Killian, is something wrong? You are acting strangely." I felt like I have been caught doing something bad. I took a sip of my glass of water. „It's just I need to talk to you." „About what?" Finally, granny brought the food. For a short moment I wondered why I had not seen Ruby. I guess she had been partying and was too hungover to work. So Ruby. Henry dipped one of his fries in ketchup and shoved it into his mouth. „You don't happen to be carrying that book of your's with you, lass?" He answered, mumbling due to his full mouth: „Haven't you heard? Since my mum took down the castle it is missing and I think that she has it." He swallowed and looked at me interested: „But why do you ask?"

„It's just… I have those dreams lately and… they just don't feel like dreams anymore. Henry, I am half convinced that your theory is right." „You believe me?" His eyes lit up like the best thing in the world has happened to him. I understood that it had had to be nagging at him that everyone thought he was insane or a kid with too much imagination. Regina had almost talked him into believing he was crazy, having to see Archie and so on. He was a troubled kid but only because of his mother. Well, and Emma the one he wanted to convince the most was also a disbeliever. She only pretended to help him with his mission to spend time with him. But the kid was not dumb, he could see that she thought he was just going through a phase due to his lack of friends. It had to be hard for him, knowing that the most important people in his life thought he was ready for the nuthouse.

„I am beginning to believe you. I just don't have proof yet, that's the reason I wanted to have a look in your book." „What did you see in your dreams? Maybe I can help!" „Most of the time they are not very clear, I just get glimpses of another life. But we are always dressed strangely like in a movie. And today this name popped into my head. Liam. I am sure I have never met someone named Liam and yet, I have the feeling he is or was important to me." „Not much to work with." „I know. I am frustrated myself."

I had hoped he would find answers in the book. Answers of what really happened to Milah, who Liam was and proof that he was not crazy. Moreover, I prayed that I was not someone with a dark past, someone who has committed crimes, someone who was considered a villain. It nagged at me that I may have been someone completely different to who I was now. In Storybrooke I was someone without family, a womanizer and nonetheless, I would not count myself as a bad guy. I helped a lot of people, I relinquished money when I knew someone had problems paying their bills and rent, when there were social events in Storybrooke I helped setting everything up, I was not very rich but nonetheless, I always donated for good causes. I often repaired things in the school whenever I had time. I knew that I have broken more hearts than most men in their whole lives but yet, many people asked me for advice and they appreciated my opinion.

What if I had stolen from the poor instead of giving them? What if I had been unreliable, unpredictable and a loser? What if I had no consciousness? What if I could show no mercy? What if I had murdered people in this other life? Questions over questions appeared in my brain.

Henry had to be feeling that my thoughts were drifting in dark places. „Killian, we will figure it out together. Whenever a memory emerges, you have to tell me right away! We will know who you are in no time." „Henry, would you think any less of me, if I had been evil?" „No, because I know you now. Even if you were evil, you have changed, Killian. You decide who you want to be and no one else." „Thank you, mate." He gave me one of his true smiles. I had not seen those in a long time. I have been very busy lately and since I was kind of avoiding Emma, I had been staying away from Henry too, which was wrong. He did not deserve that. I was his friend and I should not let him down.

„So, this means you are officially on my side now. You can help me with my new mission." I stole one of his fries and put it in my mouth. „Getting Emma to believe." I almost chocked on the fry. „Why would you need my help with that?" „Because you actually remember! You can convince her that she truly is the savior. I call it operation Reunion because then people will think we are just talking about planning a meeting or something when in truth we are planning to reunite Emma with her parents." „Henry, I don't know if it is such a good idea if I talk to Emma about my memories, I mean, it is nothing I can proof." „Yeah, you are right. On our next meeting we should discuss other ways to make her accept who she is." „You have to be somewhere?" „Yes, my mum will pick me up in a few minutes. I have to go see Archie." He stood up and offered me his hand. „I am glad I now have a great companion!" I took his hand and we shook them. „And don't tell anyone you recall things! My mum must not get to know!" „My lips are sealed." „See you, Killian." „Bye, lass."

As soon as he was out the door, my phone started ringing. Without looking on the ID I picked it up. „Hello?"

I rushed home. I almost kicked in the door when the key would not fit since my hands were so shaking. I did not know what to expect when I entered the house. Annie had sounded so … being all in tears. I wondered what had happened. She said I must come home immediately since it was an emergency. Was she hurt? Or has someone died close to her? Was there a fire in my house? No, she would have called the fire department, she was a smart girl, she worked in the hospital, she was good at handling stress situations.

When I finally managed to open the door, I called her name. She did not respond. Panic was rising inside of me. I searched every room until I was in the kitchen, where she was sitting in almost complete darkness. She scarred the hell out of me. She was crying and there were lying thousands of tissues. I sat down next to her. „Hey, what's wrong, Annie?" She flung her arms around my neck, crying into my shirt. She was trying to talk but I could not understand a single word. I brushed over her back, trying to sooth her.

In my head thousand scenarios were playing of what might possible have happened. „Annie, please, talk to me, I cannot stand it anymore!" She showed me something she was holding in her hands. I have not noticed before since, she had been hugging me so desperately. „What is this?" „A pregnancy test." My whole world was crumbling to bits. No, this could not be. We always used contraceptives, be it condoms or a lea contraceptivum with a spermicide. Annie did not take the pill since she feared gaining weight. I could not get a child, at least not with Annie. I had wanted to split up with her.

„What does it say?" I looked at her, trying to hide my shock and sorrow. „Positive." Again she was in tears. „Killian, we cannot have a child! We are not ready!" I pulled her closer to myself. „Annie, you and I, we are a team. Together we can make it, together we can become good parents." „Do you really believe that?" I only nodded. I had to reassure her. I would not abandon her nor my child. I would stay with her, even if it meant I never got a chance with Emma, even if it meant being stuck in a loveless relationship. Family was the most important thing. I would be a father and I would dedicate my whole life to being a good one. I had to put my child first.

„Will you come to the hospital with me tomorrow? I have an appointment at the gynecologist's." „Of course, I will accompany you. I don't want to miss anything in the life of our child. No appointment, no ultrasonography, nothing." I smiled at her and I hoped, it was showing happiness and joy over the news she gave me.

I had always longed for a family. Wouldn't there be Emma, I would be the happiest man in the world. But I could not change it now. Everything happens for a reason.

Annie and I were sitting in the waiting room. They had run a few tests on her for whatever reason I could not tell. I was not that clued up about this stuff or how this worked. I never have been to the gynecologist's before and I hated it. There were only female gossip magazines in the waiting room, everything smelled like perfume due to some patients who seemed to have fallen in a pool of perfume.

There were a lot of pregnant women around us, looking happy. Most of them were alone. I wondered where the fathers of their children were. Didn't they want to know if everything was alright with their children? Didn't they want to support the mothers of their children? Holding their hands in the waiting room, talking to them to shorten their time in the waiting room. I would never be one of those fathers that were absent. I would read every book there was on getting a child, I would go shopping with Annie whenever we would choose something for the child be it a buggy or a crib, I would collect names and discuss them with Annie. I wanted to experience it all. I took Annie's hand in mine and gave her a kiss on her forehead. She snuggled into me.

The room slowly emptied until we were the only ones remaining. Finally, we were called into the treatment room. Annie's female doctor pointed us to take a seat in front of her desk. She opened up some files. „Annie, we have administered some test on you, checking your blood and making another pregnancy test and I don't know if this will be good or bad news, but something must have went wrong with your test." „What do you mean?" „You are definitely not pregnant. It happens more often than one might think that those test show you the wrong result. They are not as precise as people claim them to be."

Annie and I were both speechless. After a while where we were staring confused at the doctor, Annie began to laugh. She hugged me. „Thank god! Killian, did you hear?" It somehow bothered me that she was this happy with not getting a child from me. And I somehow felt disappointed. I had not slept the whole night, always imagining what it would be like to have a child.

Annie thanked the doctor and we left the treatment room. I was angry at her for being this glad about not having a baby. But I did not want to show my rage since I had planned to break up with her before the whole pregnancy thing. I was the asshole in this relationship. I constantly thought and dreamed of another woman. Annie did not deserve that and yet, she did not know I loved another woman and she still felt this happy about not starting a family with me. It seemed like our relationship was more messed up than I have thought.

I bumped into her, since I was so lost in thoughts that I bumped into her. „You are so silent, Killian. What's wrong?"

Emma:

I was sitting in front of David's room. Dr. Whale had checked on him again. He was sleeping now. He was dehydrated, bruised and had a loss of memory. Dr. Whale thought he had an episode, a blackout. Maybe this was the reason it seemed he had not lied. He could have made that call without remembering it. He could have kidnapped her without knowing himself where he put her. I did not even want to picture that because if it was true, Kathryn was lost. David would not regain his memory of those blackouts, I have questioned Dr. Whale about that.

My arms rested on my knees, my head was in my hands. I did not feel very good. Ever since we left the station it only got worse. Without Ruby I would have failed finding David. He could have frozen to death if it wasn't for Ruby. She was incredibly out there, I was stunned at her for leading us to him right away. She claimed she had heard him. Although I could not understand the magic she did out there, I was glad she was able to find him.

Right now I had sent her to the toll bridge, looking for something unfamiliar since David walked there after he had woken up from his coma. I would have gone myself if my head was not killing me. I waited for David to get released from the hospital. I had had to deal with Regina who was still his emergency contact. I heard her accusing me of not doing my job and blah blah blah blah. There were hundreds of words falling out of her mouth but I could not quite follow her. She rushed away soon after she pointed out how miserably I was doing my job. I still could not understand the problem she had with me.

God, why was this all so hard. I lay down on the small bench in front of his room. My feet dangled from the bench, but still it felt good. I had not slept much in days. I felt so exhausted. I wrapped my jacket tighter around my body and closed my eyes. I promised myself I would only rest a bit, until Dr. Whale was finished with examining David. But I knew this was a lie, I could feel myself drifting off.

I woke up to people yelling somewhere. I was so startled that I fell from the bench. I cursed and looked around. I could see no one, must be someone around the corner. Dr. Whale came out of David's room. He caught sight of me on the floor. He pulled me up. „You okay, Emma? Did you break down? Should we check your levels?" „No, I am alright. I was just woken from a peaceful slumber." „You sure? When was the last time you got a platelet transfusion? Maybe you should come by tomorrow." „I will. How's David?" „Fine. He can go now. He needs to rest." „Can't you do anything for him so that those episode won't repeat?" „Ms. Swan those are just side effects of his long coma. They will wear off with time. Do you have any more questions, sheriff? I am afraid other patients are waiting for me." „No, thank you, Dr. Whale." „I'll see you tomorrow then." „Yeah."

He rushed away, heading to another patient's room. I checked myself in the front-camera of my phone. I flattened my hair and tried to brush the sleep out of my face. Then I checked it for unanswered calls. None. I walked towards one of the drinks dispenser and bought a coke since I was not very fond of vending-machine coffee. I took a sip, when suddenly I did not know what the fuck was going on. Out of nowhere Annie had appeared in front of me, screaming at me, I could not even understand her. I only caught a few words. Bitch. Fucking whore. Liar. And many of those kinds. She cornered me and pushed me against the wall.

„What the fuck is wrong with you?" I pushed her back. „Don't play dumb, Emma. You know exactly what is wrong! You back-stabber! You snake in the grass! How do you even manage to watch your own reflection in the mirror?" Again I hit the wall behind me due to her push. Suddenly, Killian appeared behind Annie. „Stop it, Annie! She has nothing to do with this!" „She has everything to do with this, Killian! Whenever you told me, you loved me, you lied! I always had the feeling that something was standing between us. You barely opened up to me, told me only what was common knowledge. I can't understand how I could have been this blind! When the answer was right in front of my eyes!"

„Annie, don't pull Emma into this." „I did not, you dragged her into our relationship! And now I get why we did so much together with her, why you were so obsessed with her! Why you always cared for her, why you only had eyes for her, when you only could talk about things you did with her! You two are really the limit." She glared at me and then her face turned to Killian again. I never had expected she was able to explode like this. I wondered what had happened. Did … did Killian break with her … because of me? My heart started to quicken.

„You played with me, you took me for a fool! And you know what, my guts told me, that having a child with you would be the worst thing that could happen to me and now I know why, because I would have been stuck in a relationship with a guy who was in love with another woman! And you ask me why I am so happy about not having a child, were you should be happy of all people. Now nothing is binding you to me and you were free to break up with me. Did you really think I would believe the shit you were giving me for a reason? I hate you, Killian! I am done with the two of you! You really deserve each other." She pushed him out of the way and ran out of sight.

My nose had started to bleed during her yelling. I had pressed a tissue against my nose. This time it was only a normal nose blood, for god's sake. I heard the blood rushing in my ears. „Are you alright?" I starred into his ocean-blue eyes, my stomach seemed to be exploding any minute due to the many butterflies in them. My whole world has turned more brightly with this one conversation. Annie was not pregnant. And it looked like they had split up. I was lost for words. All I wanted was for him to confirm it. To say Annie was right. That he had feelings for me. My god, maybe I was still dreaming. This had to be a dream. A very realistic dream and nonetheless a dream.

„Love, sit down or rather lie down on the bench. Should I call a doctor? Is it going to be like last time?" I sat down, still floating on a cloud. I could see his lips moving and yet, I could not quite follow what he was saying. But to show him, I was alright, I put the tissue away. The bleeding had stopped. And I took a sip from the coke. Then I continued my reaction from before, just staring at him. „Emma, say something, this silence freaks me out!" I seemed to have unlearnt how to speak. His face still looked worried. He had sat down next to me, looking into my eyes, like he expected to find an answer in them. With the back of his hand he felt my forehead, maybe checking for fever? I did not know. All I sensed was skin against skin, every touch sending shivers through my body. If this truly was a dream, I had to enjoy it. That's why I could not help myself and lean forward. I know that he has just left his girlfriend but I did not care. All that mattered was this moment. Him and me together. I was inches away from his face. My breathing was uncontrollably fast, my heartbeat was beating quicker than ever. I felt like a teenager being in love for the first time.

His facial expression changed. It had softened and he even smiled at me. He pulled me closer to him. His breath travelled over my skin. All I could smell was his scent which lapped around my nose. He slowly lay his lips over mine. It was a soft kiss and sent me right to seventh heaven. If this truly was a dream, I wished to never be woken from it. All of my senses were sharpened due to his kiss. I felt it more intensified. His beard-stubbles tickling my skin, his fingers brushing through my hair, his skin on my skin. I never wanted to stop kissing him.

Due to lack of oxygen I pulled away from him. We were staring into each others eyes like the rest of the world did not matter. I cupped his cheek and finally found my tongue again. „So is it true what Annie said?" He did not have to say anything, I knew what he felt and nonetheless, it would be nice to hear it. I still felt dizzy from the kiss. Before he could reply anything, my phone was ringing.

„I am sorry." I took the call. „Hello?" I only heard someone crying into the phone. „Hello? Who is this?" Still no answer. I checked the ID. „Ruby? Ruby, what's going on?" „Emma, I have found something that I think belongs to Kathryn." „That's good, why are you sounding so panicked? Did you hurt yourself? Should I come pick you up?" Another sob reached my ears. „Ruby, calm down. I will be right there." Killian looked worriedly at me, also wanting to know what's going on. „Emma, it is a heart. A human heart in a box."

I waited for the results of the test I had run to identify the fingerprints on the box. It had to lead me to the person that was responsible for this mess. Maybe it was finally about time that peace was coming to Storybrooke again. Killian had driven Ruby home, she really was shaken up and I could not condemn her. She said she officially stepped down as my deputy. After one day. I guess, I have to do all the work alone again.

There was a knock on the door. I turned in my chair and saw Killian leaning against the doorframe. „Hey." „Hey." I shyly smiled at him. „How's Ruby?" „Fine, I guess. I brought her to her grandmother. I think they have buried the hatchet." „That's good." He stepped closer, his hands in his pockets, he seemed to be nervous. „So, we were kind of interrupted earlier." I looked up to him. We both started to speak at the same time and chuckled. He sat next to me. „Emma, I have wanted to talk to you for quite some time now. Look, I know I have been a coward. This is so hard … I am not really one to talk about his feelings." „Killian …"

„No, please let me finish. To answer your question from before. Yes, Annie was right with everything she had said. I did not love her, I cannot understand why I began a relationship with her to begin with, I guess, I was just afraid. Afraid because I have fallen for you from the very beginning. I have been hurt so many times before and it all came back to my mind when you told me you were going to die. But now I have realized, I don't want to be a wimp anymore that was living only in fear. Fear of being left behind and alone. I want to seize the moment, I want to live in the here and now, I want to be happy, I want to be with you. I want the whole package. Dating, relationship and all that comes with it. I firmly believe it does not matter how much time we have, all that matters is what we make of it. I know, I am asking a lot of you, considering how many mistakes I have made in the past. But I hope I can make it up to you. You don't have to make a choice right away…." He wanted to say more but I stopped him. „I am in." „You…you are?"

I pulled him closer and kissed him. It was a small little kiss, just because I could kiss him now whenever and wherever I wanted. We were going to be together. „Gods, Emma, I don't know why you decided I am worth your time since I know I don't deserve you but you it makes me so happy like I have never been before in my life. I promise you, that you won't regret it." „I know I won't." I smiled at him. I felt so lightheaded. This all seemed so surreal to me. I think it will take some time for me to realize he truly had feelings for me. He took my hands in his. With his thumbs he drew circles on my skin. „So, do you want to grab something to eat?" „I am still waiting for the results but after I have finished this, I am all your's." His hands lightly pulled me closer to him. He captured my lips. Every new kiss felt unique. Every new kiss was better than the last. Every new kiss caused that I wanted more. I was almost convinced that all I needed to live were his kisses.

When he deepened the kiss and his tongue slipped into my mouth, it sent a wave of lust through my body, lighting it on fire. His kisses made me loose my mind. I have not even realized, sitting myself on his lap but suddenly I was. My hands explored his body, his strong arms, his back. My eyes were shut and so brushing over his body felt amazing since my other senses were sharpened. My hands wandered to the collar of his shirt. I began unbuttoning his shirt to reveal more skin. My hands were roaming over his chest, feeling his chest-hair. I travelled further down. God, this man was so perfect. His abs were hard as rocks. Did he really work out that much? I began to fear what he would see in me when he would undress me. Scares, pale skin, untrained and weak. Compared to him, I was far from perfect. Once those thoughts were emerging in my brain, I could not erase them anymore. I felt unsure of myself. When his hands reached the hem of my shirt, I felt panic rising inside of me. I was close to stopping him but in that moment the notification-tone that the test was done was sounding.

I pulled away from him. I believed my whole face was flushed. I still felt the adrenaline of the kiss pumping through my veins. He was smirking devilishly at me. That man was sex on legs. Every movement, every facial expression was so fucking handsome and attracting.

Reluctantly, I turned my head on the computer. At first, I only saw a 100% match note. So it really has been someone living in Storybrooke. My eyes travelled farther down, reading the name of the suspect. I read it at least a thousand times and a thousand times more to make sure. This result was absurd. It could not be.

Killian had not stopped placing kisses on every uncovered skin he could find. My arms, my shoulders, my neck. But once he noticed how tensed I was, he broke off his kisses. „Love, what's wrong?" „It's Mary Margaret." „What's with MM?" „On the box…it were her fingerprints."


	14. When no one cares, I do

I am so sorry for the long wait! I just had no time for writing. I truly wish I had more time for my hobby but at the moment it is not in my cards :(

I hope you like it :)

**Chapter 13: When no one cares, I do:**

Killian:

I walked into the station, carrying a tablet filled with cocoa and coffee. Moreover, I had a bag full of donuts around my wrist. It was still early, so it was very quiet. I tried to make as little sound as possible, not wanting to wake Mary Margaret if she was still asleep. I had visited everyday since she had been arrested. It was not easy for her - I could tell - and she was beginning to lose hope, growing more desperate with every second that was passing. And who could condemn her? The whole town thought she murdered her lover's wife.

I could not understand how anyone could believe she had it in her to kill someone. I knew little about Mary Margaret since we had not been very close before Emma came into both our lives, but I was convinced that someone was framing her. It was just something I could feel in my guts, that this woman was innocent. The times I had helped out at school, be it to repair some things or building up the scenery for a school-play, I got the chance to see her interact with her students. She was treating everyone of her pupils equally, she was understanding, motivating and encouraging them. In my opinion, she was the most devoted teacher the school had to offer. Her students looked up to her.

Even more, whenever someone in Storybrooke needed help, Mary Margaret was the first to volunteer. She baked cookies and cakes to sell them to help a family in distress who could not afford the rent they owed Mr. Gold.

And now everyone turned their backs on her. The parents that had praised her for her good work, the neighbors that she gave her savings to save them from getting kicked out and her friends that would not even visit her. Everyone had lost faith in her, but not me nor Emma nor Henry.

She needed someone to believe in her, to treat her normally, that's why I came everyday to check on her (and of course, it was not that selfless since I got to see Emma as well). So it was a win-win situation. But I had begun to see, why Emma and Mary Margaret shared such an intense friendship. They were like sister, they were family. They would do everything for each other. While Emma complaint that she did not get anywhere in Mary Margaret's case which she desperately wanted since she could not stand seeing her friend behind bars, Mary Margaret urged Emma to work less, so that she could relax and enjoy time with Henry (and me).

Mary Margaret was already awake. She was starring at the wall opposite from her. I guess, there was not much to do in here. I had to ask her if I should bring her something to entertain her, maybe a book or magazines. I took a stool from one of the many desks at the station and moved it just before the prison cell. Mary Margaret's brows were furrowed, she looked like she had not slept very well. „Morning, Mary Margaret." I gave her a bright smile She turned to face me and returned my smile weakly. „Morning, Killian." „Want some coffee or some cocoa?" „Cocoa sounds perfect." „I made sure Granny added the cinnamon." A shadow crossed Mary Margaret's face. Granny had been her friend too and Ruby. None of them had shown up. Not even David, the man she (had?) loved. They knew Mary Margaret better than me and still they believed more in a stupid test than in their friend. It made me so furious since it was not even proven that it was Kathryn's heart. I handed her the cocoa and offered her a donut which she refused.

„Would you like me to bring you some books or magazines? I could buy some if you gave me a list which one's you liked. Or maybe an iPod filled with your favorite music? I cannot understand why Emma has not already come up with that idea. It must be boring in here." „Oh, don't blame her. She already works so much to prove my innocence. But books sound nice." „Any wishes?" „I'll read anything you give me." „I'll stop by in the afternoon to give them to you." She smiled. „I would suggest you bringing me them tomorrow since you already visited today but I don't want to bereave you from seeing Emma." „You read me like an open book, don't you?" Mary Margaret chuckled. „It's not that hard to guess your feelings for Emma. So, because it's just you and me…" My heart skipped a beat. Emma was not here and I had already looked forward to meet her, every cell in my body had awaited with anticipation to be near her again. „Emma's not here?"

„Nope, she went somewhere half an hour ago. But it gives me the chance to give you the TALK since Emma has no parents, I will do that! I don't have to tell you, that Emma is special and that she needs to be treated like that, right?" I could not help myself but smile at her. No, of course she did not have to tell me that. You had to be blind to not see that Emma was the most interesting, beautiful and above all unique woman there ever was. She was one of a kind. I wanted to know everything of her, I wanted to see every scar of her's to understand where she came from. I wanted to give her all I had to offer just to steal a smile from her. I of all people knew I would never met another person like her. Mary Margaret was right. Emma was special.

„So I'll move forward. Emma has not much time left, so she deserves to be happy for the time she has left. Just don't break her heart, okay?" „I would never dare to hurt her." „Good." She took another sip from her cocoa. She put it aside and starred at me. „I know you visit me daily because of Emma and I really appreciate it …" „Mary Margaret, I consider you as my friend. So, no, it is not just because of Emma. I have begun to care about you too." „Even better. Then I would like to ask a favor from you - as a friend." „I am listening." „I want to make sure, Emma enjoys the rest of her life in Storybrooke, spends the last of her days with Henry, the son she only recently has found again and with you, the man she has learnt to love." Again there were thousand of butterflies in my stomach. Did Mary Margaret really think that Emma loved me? Wasn't it too soon to tell? But wasn't it the same with me? I have already admitted falling in love with her. Maybe I lied, maybe I already was in love. But I could not understand where Mary Margaret was trying to get with her speech.

„I want you to persuade her to cede my case." „What?" „Killian, I am screwed, as much as I believe in Emma, even she cannot do wonders. I am the only suspect, it was MY box. MY fingerprints were on MY box. The wife of MY lover has disappeared and a human heart was in MY box. No matter how much Emma works, she cannot fix this. Someone wants to destroy my life but that someone won't destroy her life as well." „Mary Margaret, you know as much as I do that Emma is the most stubborn person on the planet. She promised to prove your innocence and she won't stop until she has achieved that. She would not listen to me, she would yell at me for even suggesting such a thing. You are like family to her." „I know, but I am so worried about her." „Why?" She now looked a little bit surprised. „Hm, must be because you are viewing everything through rose-colored glasses that you didn't notice, but she looks exhausted. She looks so pale, the dark circles under her eyes tell me that she has not slept well in days and not enough. Her clothes look oversized, she cannot be eating much. She needs to cede my case in order to prolong her life as long as possible." She was right, I had not noticed. I blamed myself for being so blind due to the butterflies in my stomach. What did I expect? She would not miraculously get better, just because she was with me. I had been too selfish. Our dates (if you could even call them that since most of the time we only briefly met) just were stressing her more. I had just wanted to spend time with her. I sucked the rest of energy she had left out of her. I should have been more careful. I should have made sure, she ate and slept enough. But I could not because my feelings for her where standing in the way.

„I know that she promised me to solve my case but before that, I gave her my word to take care of her and that is why she needs to let go of my case." I was going to take better care of her. And the solution for this dilemma was forming in my head. I would never be able to convince Emma to give up on Mary Margaret. But she would be working less.

„Mary Margaret …" „Gold is going to be my lawyer. He was here a few days ago. Everyone is afraid of that man, he nearly punched a guy to death and he still is not in jail, he has to do his job good, don't you think?" I grabbed her hand through the bars. She looked at me startled. „It was the right decision to accept his offer to represent you. As much as I despise that man, you are right, he is good at what he is doing although I can't see how one man can be a shop owner and a lawyer but that is not the point. The point is, that no matter what I would say, she would never abandon your case, no even if I locked her in a room, Emma would still find a way to help you. But I promise you to look after her, she won't be working as much because…" My head was spinning for a solution and then my mouth spoke words for a plan that had already vaguely formed in my head. „I am going to help her with her case." „But you have a job… I can't expect that from you." „Mary Margaret, there is not much car-repairing going on in Storybrooke, no one ever leaves the goddamned place, most people travel by foot to reach their work-places and so on. The workshop can spare me." „You sure?" „Yes. And now have a donut, you have to be hungry."

I would be her deputy. That way I kept her from working overtime, I would provide her with food - and she would have no choice, she had to eat whether she was hungry or not. And we could spend time together without robbing her of the little time she had left to relax. I was a genius.

Now I only had to convince Emma of my brilliant plan.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

I waited at the diner for her. An untouched burger in front of me. I was just too nervous to eat since I had no idea how she would react to my offer. My hands were drenched in sweat, I rubbed them of on my jeans. Would she think I was insane for applying as her deputy? Would she consider me good enough for the job? My god, it was so important for me that she thought of me as being worthy.

I was so lost in thought, that I startled up, when she sat herself across from me. „Sorry, I am late but you won't believe it…" She looked rather pleased. I was guessing she had good news. She looked around, I figured she was trying to find out if somebody was watching us. She leaned closer. „I searched the apartment for signs of a break-in. But there were none. In Mary Margaret's room there is a heating vent, I looked into it and I found a knife. I am guessing it is the weapon used in the commission of crime." „And why does that make you happy, love? Isn't it another clue therefore that Mary Margaret did it?" „Yeah, that's what I thought too. But then Henry came around with a bunch of keys that looked like out of a Halloween-store. He claimed Regina could enter every door in Storybrooke with them. At first, I thought he was crazy but then … we tried a few of them out and one fit. Regina is setting her up. I cannot prove it right now, but at least I know is responsible for this mess." I took her hand. „That's wonderful, Emma."

She smiled at me. I took a closer look at her. MM was right. Emma really looked exhausted. How could I have overlooked that? Her health should be the only thing that matters to me. I had to put her above everything else.

My thumb brushed over her skin. „Want some of my food? I am not hungry and it would be a shame to throw it away." „Not hungry? You barely ate anything." I pushed the dish over to her. „Well, while beginning to eat, I realized I was not even hungry, so please, help yourself." „If you insist." She took the burger and bit into it. I watched as she slowly ate the whole thing. After she finished, I asked her if she liked a dessert. „No, I am so stuffed. I can't have another bite. It was delicious, thanks for inviting me. So why did you want to meet today?" „Do I need a reason to meet you, love? I simply enjoy your company." She again leaned closer towards me. I met her halfway and we shared a kiss. Every new kiss was unique, every new kiss felt even better than the last, every new kiss was making my head go dizzy. What was so special about that kiss was, that she did it in public. She did not want to hide the thing that was going on between us. This feeling, that she made us public, was the best in the world. We sure as hell would be the talk of tomorrow but neither of us cared. We did not need anyone's approval, well maybe from Mary Margaret (which she already gave me today) and Henry (who was my ‚bro' for many years, so I did not think it would be a problem). „How was your day?"

I only waited for this question. It was the first step to making it her idea to hire me as her deputy. I only hoped she would suggest it since otherwise I had to ask and if she refused me then, I would be devastated. „Other than visiting Mary Margaret it was kind of boring. Just like usual. There are not that many days that a beautiful strangers shows up, runs over the ‚Welcome to Storybrooke' sign and needs her car to be repaired. I most of the time just sit around and wait for the hours to pass."

„So you kind of hate your job?" „Yeah, I would be open for new things but there are not that many job opportunities in Storybrooke." I held my breath. Now was the moment she could offer me a job, just like she did with Ruby. She again took my hands in hers, we stared into each others eyes. I tried to read her, tried to find the question I was waiting for in her eyes.

„Well, I guess, I still have some money left in the budget since Ruby refused. So if you…" „I do." Now she chuckled. „So this was your plan all along?" „I would take the job even if you did not pay me." „I do enjoy your company, too." „What time do I start tomorrow, boss? Uh, that sounds so sexy." „Whenever you like, my handyman." „You wound me, love. I have so much more to offer than grabbing you something to eat", which I would, every single day, „and sitting by the phone to await it's ringing. I thought I was going to be your deputy." „I was just kidding, Killian. Of course, you will be deputy."

„Good. So now that we cleared this. Wanna see what's on Netflix?" I raised my eyebrow. „Sure." I payed the bill and we left the dinner. While walking we were holding hands. It was such a simple gesture and nonetheless, it did wonders to my soul. She was healing me. She was giving me hope, that someone like me deserved a happy ending too. She was the light in my darkness. She was everything to me.

„It was nice of you to bring Mary Margaret the books. I had not even considered how boring your time in prison could be and I of all people should know." „Don't blame yourself, love. You just have a lot on your mind lately." „But still, not everyone would treat Mary Margaret like you do, the supposedly-murderess." „You and I both know that she did not do it." She stopped. „You believe she is innocent?" „Of course, I do." She pulled me towards her and crushed her lips against mine.

_In that moment, I saw a little boy in much too big clothes running. He was running through a crowd of people, not caring if he bumped into them, not caring if they yelled at him. All he wanted was to reach the ship in time. He needed to stop him! He could not leave them. He desperately tried to speed up but the crowd would not let him. But then he finally saw the ocean before him. He had reached the port. _

_He ran to the end of the jetty, only to realize that he was too late. The ship had already left. He could see in the far distance. The little boy screamed at the top of his lungs, wishing that he would hear it and hoping to make him feel ashamed. „DADDY, you are a coward!" He could not the tears from coming. His father had promised to stay this time, to change for them! Only empty words. The boy should have known better, he had been disappointed by his father so many times and yet, he still had believed him. He swore to himself that he would never make that mistake again. _

_He picked up a stone and threw it as far as possible. Again and again he searched for things he could threw after his miserable father that had been drunkard all his life, wasting the little money they had. His father was the most miserable one there was and still he had loved him._

_The tears still were falling, but suddenly someone put a hand on his shoulder. The boy turned around, facing an older boy with curly hair and familiar blue eyes. „There is no use in grieving his loss. We are better of without him, brother. I am going to take care of you and mother, I promise." The boy, hugged his brother desperately. „I will help taking care for mommy too, Liam, I am almost grown up too!" „Of course you will, Killian." _

So now, I finally had the answer to who Liam was to me. He was my brother. A brother that I had had no idea of, a brother that has been taken away from me by a goddamned curse. But I was going to find him! Storybrooke was not that big, I would find him sooner or later.

Emma broke the kiss. „You okay?" „Yeah, just a little bit out of breath, that's all." I smiled at her. Maybe Liam could wait. At this moment Emma was my number one priority. I would never again dare to make the mistake to put other things before her. I needed to come clean with the mistakes of my past. „I recall a Netflix session was promised?" She snuggled into me and we walked towards my apartment.

Suddenly, her phone was ringing. She looked apologetically at me and picked it up. „Sheriff Swan?" Her shoulders were sinking with every second she was listening. Her eyes looked frightened and big. No good news. „Thank you for calling me."

Silence. I already could tell it had to do something with Mary Margaret. „Love?" „The DNA matched. Kathryn is dead." I pulled her into a hug. I brushed over her head. „We are going to prove them all wrong, together! We will find a way to get Mary Margaret out of there."

„I don't see how. I should have let her leave when there still was the chance. Now there is enough evidence to move forward with her case. She will be judged, she will be sentenced. All because of me. Because I thought, I could help her, because I thought, it was the right thing to do." „You did the right thing. Emma, running away would not have helped her. She would have been on the run her whole life. They would have searched for her, informing every airport, every station and every bus terminal. She would not have had a chance. But we still can help her. You have to have faith in yourself, Emma."

„You are right. I cannot give up on her, but I have to inform her of the latest news." „Go, you should tell her alone." „Thank you. I'll see you tomorrow at work!" She gave me a quick kiss and left.

I resumed my walk home, when suddenly I was approached by someone. My first look was directed at his eyes, searching for my own in them. I had promised to put her first and I would stick to that promise, but if I found him by accent, there was nothing wrong with it. But it was just the writer, the stranger that had wanted to buy Emma a drink. I did not like him, I hope he could tell.

„Killian, right?" „Yeah and you are?" „August. I had a little talk with Henry…" „You should stay away from the boy." „I won't hurt him. It's just … I only want to break the curse." I looked at him surprised. „Yes, I am a believer. We have to get Emma to believe if we want everyone to get their memories back." „What is in it for you?" „Redemption." „Why do you talk to me about this?" „Because you have a connection with her and you know that the curse is real. I thought I could simulate a little magic in wondrously bringing back this", he handed me a book - HENRY'S book - „back to Emma, but I have come to realize, that you are more effective. You can make her remember." „What do I do with the book?" „Figuring out who you truly are." I stepped closer to him. „Look, lass, I don't know if I even want that. I am happy with my life just as it is the way now." „Hm… but don't you think that one day you are going to ask yourself if the elderly woman walking next to you, could be your mother? Or if the dead man appearing in the newspaper could have been your brother?"

He hit a sore spot. „And don't you think Emma deserves to be reunited with her family too? By breaking the curse we could even prove the innocence of your friend in jail. If everyone remembered, no one would accuse her."

He pushed the book against my chest. „Take it." „You don't understand anything. I won't waste her time and fill her head with hopes of finding her family if she is going to be disappointed again. She cannot take it anymore. There is just no time left with breaking the curse. It is wrong." „What do you mean, there is no time left?" I just turned around and walked away. „KILLIAN. If you won't make her believe, I will! And then do you really think she will stay with you if she finds out, you knew all along and did nothing to break the curse? To reunite her with her family?"

I did not look back. I nearly ran home. I did not want to face August again. I knew he had a point but I still thought it was the right thing to keep it from her. I could not see how she could break a curse in a world without magic. She had enough to carry on her shoulders. In my apartment I hid the book, where no one would ever find it.

I stepped into the shower and hot water was flowing over my body. I only heard the sound the water was making. My heartbeat had quickened. I felt like betraying her. I did not want to keep a secret from her but to be honest, would she really believe me, if I told her the truth? She was convinced Henry had a vivid imagination, she thought the curse was just a phantasm, the whole theory a way for Henry to deal with his mother. There was magic right before her eyes - the keys that had worked when she used them, she, the savior.

Even if I decided to tell her about my memories, she would call me crazy, she would drag me to Archie. I could not see, how I could convince her of something I could not even understand myself yet. I had had this whole other life, that I don't have memories of. I surely was in Henry's book, maybe even a famous character that everyone knows of, maybe I was part of a fairytale that everyone was read to as a kid.

I went into my bedroom. I tried to fall asleep but sleep was not granted to me. A voice always whispering in my head, that she deserved to know, that she had a right to choose on her own. That I was only afraid of loosing her due to my ‚vivid imagination'. I would loose her soon enough.

Could anyone condemn me for not telling her? I loved her so much, I could not imagine her turning her back on me. It would break my heart. It would shatter me. It would destroy me.

So I ignored those voices and I justified my actions by claiming I only wanted to protect her from anymore pain. In truth, I was just a coward that was not sure of her feelings to me, that doubted our relationship survived a blow like this.

But what if August was right? What if we could save Mary Margaret by breaking the curse? Wasn't it worth a chance? And didn't Emma deserve to get to know her parents before she … would be taken from all of us.

The whole night I tossed and turned, debating in my head what the right decision would be. At some point, my eyes grew so heavy and I fell asleep. 10 minutes after that my alarm was ringing. I needed to get up for work. The decision had to wait.

After I had brushed my teeth, my phone was ringing. „Can't await to see me, love?" „Killian, she is gone!" „Who?" „Mary Margaret, she is not in her cell! You have to come right away to shake off anyone who wants to see Mary Margaret while I am looking for her." „No, I want to come with you." „Someone needs to be at the station in case someone arrives, then you have to come up with an excuse. Please, Killian, she will only listen to me." „You will find her. I will be right there."


	15. Fairytale gone bad

**FINALLY :) **

**Chapter 14:** **Fairytale gone bad**

Emma:

I drove my yellow bug. It was still dark outside, I could not see much. My eyes were fixed on the street and the surrounding woods. I searched for movement, something flickering due to the headlights of my car, just something to find her. She could not have gotten that far.

I knew, I should wonder, how the hell she had gotten out of that cell, when I was the only one with a key. But strangely it did not matter to me - not even who or why someone has helped her to escape. I did not care about HOW she has gotten out of there. All I could think about was … WHY.

She has left me behind without a word, without a note or any explanation. She did not think of the consequences, she did not think about what she was going to put me through. Not only because I was in charge - everyone would accuse me of having helped her (WHICH DID NOT MATTER) - but also because I cared about her. I was worried that something might happen to her out here in the woods. She was not cut for a life like this. A life I had left behind. Such a life would destroy her. Moreover, I thought we were close. I thought I mattered to her. Wasn't I worth a goodbye? Weren't we friends?

In truth, she was like everyone else. All she cared about was herself, how to save herself - it did not matter to her who fell by the wayside. She was like Lily - she pretended to be someone she was not. A friend. Possibly a family member - not in blood but in spirit. She did not believe in me. She thought I was going to FAIL. Probably, I would have, but now we will never know since she decided to take the easier way. To flee and leave everything behind. To leave me behind.

My head was beginning to spin. I was thinking back to the times we have spent together. Mary Margaret had always cheered me up, she has been there for me. She made me smile. She made me see, that I was what Henry needed. She stood up against Regina to get me out of jail, she invited me in her home - a total stranger. She was devastated when she learned about my illness. She made me forget about the illness. She was a friend from the very beginning.

I was not being fair before. She was different to the other people in my life. She was like family. There had to be a reason, she escaped without telling me. She was afraid - I surely would be if our places were swapped. The man she loved had betrayed her, the whole town thought she has murdered someone. She did not deserves that I blamed her for anything when I would have done exactly the same thing she was doing. Trying to find a way out of a hopeless situation.

But I could not handle loosing her. I needed to find her. I needed her.

And when I did, I would get her out of there. If I could not prove her innocence, I would confess, that I set her up. I would come up with a reasonable explanation why I wanted Mary Margaret gone and of course, I had an easy game with ‚breaking and entering' her flat since I had a key. I would not spend that much time in jail. I was dying anyway. Maybe there truly was a reason that I came to Storybrooke - to save Mary Margaret from a life she did not deserve. My decision was fixed. I would not allow Mary Margaret to rot in a cell for the rest of her life - for a crime she did not commit.

My head was killing me and I was feeling queasy. I hated all the side-effects of dying. There was always something reminding you that you were different than other people. You could not enjoy life the way others did. Your stomach would always get upset by things you would love to eat but couldn't because you feel like puking. You always were in pain. There was nothing to fully ease your pain, it was only dulled by the pain-killers. And the pain maxima always appeared when you could least need them (LIKE NOW, damn it!). My right hand searched in my purse to fish for the pain-killers. I cursed since I never could find anything in my damned purse that was like a black hole when you needed something desperately.

I emptied the purse out on the passenger seat. It seemed I had forgotten to take the tablets with me. I stopped the car since the pain was unbearable again. I jumped out of the car. I was hoping that fresh air would help easing the pain. I also prayed that me feeling sick would pass soon. I walked a few steps and then leaned against a tree because I could not take one more step. These headaches got worse the nearer the calculated death date was getting. My hand rested on my belly. I closed my eyes for a few seconds and I tried to take deep breaths. The car keys slipped out of my hand. I only slightly took notice of them falling on the ground. The noise was muffled because other I could mostly hear my blood rushing through my veins.

Why has this to happen now for god's sake? I could not waste any more time. Mary Margaret was somewhere out there in the bitter cold, without supplies, without clothes to change, maybe not even a route in mind where her path should lead her. She escaped without a plan, that much was clear. Damn it. I bit my lip, hoping that the new pain would let me forget the headache, the sickness that was creeping up my esophagus.

Suddenly, I could feel a hand on my shoulder. I startled up. I looked into blue eyes that were watching me curiously. In his other hand, he was holding my car keys. „I am sorry, I did not mean to scare you. You dropped these. Are you okay?" He pointed at the keys in his hand. I had never seen this man before. A scarf was wrapped tightly around his neck as if he was freezing, his eyes were bloodshot like he had not been sleeping in days. But maybe he just got something in his eyes. I only wondered what he was doing here at this late time? Maybe he really could not sleep and thought a nightly walk could help settle his mind.

He was staring at me. His eyes were boring into me. He seemed to be afraid to let me out of his sight. Maybe I was getting paranoid. He was offering me a smile and slightly nodding with his head. Right, he was expecting an answer. „Yeah, I just needed some fresh air." My head was throbbing again. Every movement caused another wave of crushing pain. „I did not think I would share the street with a car so late." He was pointing at my bug which stood a few meters behind us. Did I really walk that far?

„You are the sheriff, aren't you?" I only nodded. „What brings you out here in the middle of the night?" My heart skipped a beat. I could imagine my face falling. Don't act suspicious, Emma. You have never seen him before. Maybe he did not even know that someone was in prison. Come on, who are you kidding? This is Storybrooke where news travel quicker than a virus. „Ah…Nothing to worry about. I was looking for … a lost dog." I hoped he believed me. I was not sounding very convincing in my own ears. My voice was even shaking since the headache was getting worse with every passing second. „Well, I hope you find it." He was smiling at me. I returned it, to keep the charade up.

Although I have never felt less like wanting to smile. I wanted to curl on the floor, take my head in my arms and sob till the pain stopped. „I am Jefferson, by the way." I could not care less about his name. I only wished I had not been so stubborn and asked Killian to come with me. How was I supposed to find Mary Margaret when I could not even concentrate on the conversation I was having with this guy?

„Well, I have to get back on my search mission." I made a step forward and stumbled. I saw the world through a veil of tears - unwanted tears due to the pain. I did not even notice that I had fallen right into him - that he was supporting me. „You sure you are okay?" I wanted to say that I was okay but the words would not form in my mouth. I did not have the breath left due to the intense headache.

„Let me help you." He stood behind me, my body sank against his. Strong arms were around my body and yet, it felt so wrong. The only arms I wanted around my body were Killian's. Killian. Maybe I really should have taken him with me. I began to regret convincing him I had to do this on my own. I could feel Jefferson's face in my hair as if he was breathing in my scent. Something was definitely wrong here. But it did not matter anymore. I could feel the blackness overtaking me.

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I opened my eyes to a burning light. At least that is how it felt to my eyes. I shot them again. I felt like being hungover and I was so thirsty - fucking illness. I was lying on something comfortable. I wanted to go back to sleep again. I was so worn out. I could feel sleep gripping me, pulling me closer into the dreamland again. But something was nagging at me. Something felt odd.

I opened my eyes and took a look around. There was nothing in this room that I recognized. I had never been here. I had no idea how I had gotten there. The last thing I remembered was, sitting in my car and searching for Mary Margaret. Where the hell was I? There was a piano standing in the middle of the room. Who could fucking afford buying a piano? And what was I doing here?

I wanted to get up, to get out of there as fast as possible. I needed to find Mary Margaret. But I could not. My feet would not move an inch. I looked down and I could see that they were tapped together. Panic was rising inside of me. What was happening here? I felt like being in one of the CSI series. I prayed that this was a dream. Or a bad joke. My arms were also tightly tapped. My skin would be sore after this. I could feel the tape cutting into my skin. I would kick the ass of the one that did that to me. How fucking dare he?

He. Yes, now I could recall the guy in the woods. The creepy guy in the woods. He had my car keys. He had to have brought me here. I could only imagine what he was planning to do to me. All those lost women in the news … all those victims you always read about. That suddenly disappear and when they are found years later (IF they are found), they always end up dead. Murdered - a drug overdose or a bullet in their heads. My body was beginning to shake. In front of my eyes, I saw all those pictures of the dead women. Maybe I was going to be one of them. Okay, Emma you need to calm down and think this through. You can do this. You can make it out of here alive and … untouched by this guy.

My eyes searched for something to get rid of the tape. Luckily, there was a cup filled with something on the table that was inches away from me. First I threw a pillow off of the sofa I was lying on and then the cup on the table which was thankfully landing on the pillow - so there was no sound. I broke the cup with my feet. It was easier said than done to slice the tape through and to get the tape off of my hands. In the process I scratched my skin. Once I was free of the tape on my hands, the tape on my feet was no problem.

I was listening hard for some noise. Hopefully, he thought I was a helpless little girl and that he did not check on me soon. I noticed a telescope. Curiosity as well as hope lead me to look through it. Maybe I could make out where I was. But what I was seeing was letting my heart sink even more. I could see MY office. He had been watching me. He was a stalker. Maybe he had planned all along to abduct me.

I took another look. I could see Killian pacing up and down in my office. I checked my pockets for my phone and I nearly had tears in my eyes, when I found it.

I skimmed my head for the name the guy had given me. Jake. James. Jeremy. No. FUCK. What was his name again? I thought back to meeting him. I pictured his blue eyes, his scarf around his neck. His bloodshot eyes. „I am Jefferson by the way." JEFFERSON.

I texted Killian: „SOS. A guy named Jefferson took me. House somewhere in the woods. Hurry." I clicked on sending. But the bar of the percentage would not move. No reception. Don't do this to me now, phone! This shitty technic was never of use when you needed it. I went to the windows, climbed on the windowsill until I had reception and the message was sent. I put my phone on muted. I did not want to risk my phone giving me away. I opened the door. No light in the hall. Maybe he was not even here. Maybe he had something else to do.

I tip-toed through the hall. I hoped I was going in the right direction. I needed to find stairs, an exit, whatever. How fucking big was this place. You could easily get lost in here. All of a sudden, I could hear footsteps. In my mind, all I could think about was: „SHIT. SHIT. SHIT. SHIT. He is coming for me." I opened the next best door and shut it quietly behind me. Oh please god, don't let him come in here. Maybe I could climb out of a window. I turned around to search for an escape. What I saw, surprised me. There was Mary Margaret sitting, tied on a stool, something covering her mouth. She was sobbing. I hurried to her.

I took the piece of clothing out of her mouth. „Emma, thank god!" I pointed her to be silent. We had enough time to discuss all of this later, when we were save. I untied her. I could hear a clicking behind us. I turned around and saw Jefferson pointing a gun at us. „I see you found the lost dog." „I called back-up, they will be hear any minute now." I was hoping he would buy it, he would let us go, afraid of the cops, afraid to spend his life in prison. But I was wrong. „You did not call anybody. Same reason you did not tell me about your little friend. No one knows that she escaped, so you did not tell anybody where you went because nobody should know that she fled." But he was wrong as well. Killian would come. Killian would save us. I only hoped he would come in time.

„I need you to come with me." He stepped closer to me. The gun poking in my rib cage. HARD. „Better not try something stupid, sweetheart." „Fine, I'll come." I waited for him to go in front but he did not move. „Haven't we forgotten something?" The gun pointed at Mary Margaret. „Tie her up again." Mary Margaret sat down. I wanted to tie her up in a way she could free herself and escape. „Don't take me for a fool, sheriff. Make those tighter!" I did as he said, afraid he would shoot her if I disobeyed. He was a psychopath. I did not know what he was ready to do. While I gagged Mary Margaret again, I was whispering to her: „It's going to be fine." Knowing that I probably was telling her a lie. Nothing would be okay. He had a gun. I had to do whatever he was asking me to do. I believed he would ask me to sleep with him. He had been stalking me. It was likely he had a crush on me. And in is sick, twisted mind, it would be okay for him to take me unwillingly.

He pulled me to my feet and he thrusted me forward. I could distantly hear Mary Margaret screaming. My mind was desperately thinking of an escape but I could not think of any way that would not risk Mary Margaret's life. We walked into a room. A hat after the other was displayed on shelves. So he had a hat-fetish as well. He pushed me on a chair. I was close to tears. I know Mary Margaret's life was priority, but I did not deserve this! Raped by a psychopath with a hat-fetish.

He brushed my cheek with his gun. „I hope it's true what people are saying about you." He chained my right foot onto the chair. „We don't want you to try to escape again, do we?" He was giving me a smile. „What do you want from me?" I tried to sound brave but I sucked miserably at it. „Emma, Emma, Emma. A bit impatient, aren't we?" He chuckled. He pointed onto the desk. I looked down. A scissor, fabric, needles, chalk and yarn were lying there. I could not make any sense of what he was trying to say to me. He took the scissor and began to sharpen it. Was he showing me, how he planned to kill me? With a scissor? My god, he really was out of his mind.

He leaned closer to me, his lips brushing over my skin. He whispered in my ear: „Make a hat for me, Emma." What game was he playing with me? „A hat?" What kind of twisted story was this? „I don't know how …" „You have magic." Magic. MAGIC? Was he fucking kidding me? „You are the savior, sweetheart. You are supposed to bring back the happy endings, so get to work, I don't have time forever." „Wait, wait a second! The hats, the psychotic behavior. You think you are the mad-hatter?"

He was staring daggers at me. „My name is Jefferson. You are in no position, to call me mad." „Look, you clearly have heard about my kid's theory, that everyone in Storybrooke is a cursed fairytale-characters, but those are just stories. The mad-hatter is a character in a story. A book I have actually read." „Stories. Stories. What are stories?" It was a rhetorical question, I could tell. He did not expect me to answer. He wanted to point something out to me. „When you were in high school, did you learn about the Civil War?" „Yeah, of course." „How? Did you read about it in a book?" „A book that is based on history." „And what are storybooks based on? IMAGINATION? Do you really believe that? Where does that come from? It has to come from somewhere. But enough of this, stop wasting time. GET IT TO WORK." „Get what to work?" „The hat you will be making." „And then what?" „Then I go home."

I did not question that statement, he was crazy, he did not know what he was saying. I had no idea what I was doing. He actually helped me, showing me how to do things. I always looked over my shoulder, hoping that the door would be opened and Killian would step through. „I don't remember inviting someone else. Are you awaiting someone, sweetheart?" Shit. He had caught me. „By chance your boyfriend?" He took the scissor from my hands. He pushed the chair I was sitting on closer to the wall. He pinned my hands above my head. His breath hot against my cool skin. His face only inches away from mine.

„I know, you are not a believer of your son's theory but let me tell you this: you should start believing because you are in great danger. It's about high time for you to wake up from your ignorance." Yeah, I am fucking held against my will by you, you psycho. You are the only one who opposes any threat to me and my friend. „You know, it's funny what the curse did to many of us. Ripping us from our loved ones, making us forget of our past, of our thirst for revenge, making us loose precious time with our children. It turned heroes into helpless cowards and villains into the good guys, the bad boy into the boy next door." „What do you want to tell me?" „Nothing is as it seems in Storybrooke. Not even your boyfriend is who he thinks he is. He is a devil in disguise. You may think he is like you - heroic, good, selfless - when in truth you invited the darkest evil in your bed. A man who cannot distinguish between good and bad, a man who has no mercy, a man who does not care about anyone but himself. Not even you, although I can see what he sees in you. A pretty lass to share his bed. Perfect in appearance."

„I am far from perfect." His lips were inches away from mine. I was afraid he was going to kiss me. „You are beautiful, sweetheart. How could it be any other way? You are the product of true love." I could feel his breath against my skin. I wanted to distract him. I did not like the direction in which this was going. „Who do you think he is?" I just tried playing along his game, to buy me some more time. „You are a smart girl, go try figure it out yourself. I have given you more than enough hints. Now finish the hat. It's almost done." He sat back in his chair, the gun always pointed at me. There had to be a way out of this.

„I can't get it to work, Jefferson." „Yes. Yes, YOU CAN! If not, I'll be cursed to live in this house forever." „Your life does not seem that cursed to me. What is so bad about it? You have this big, fancy house. You have to be rich to afford it." „None of it matters to me. If I cannot share it with her." „Her?" „You understand nothing, Emma. Like everyone else in Storybrooke, my happy ending has been ripped from me, although I had lost her far before the curse hit the Enchanted Forest. I could not make it work … Wonderland had not the magic I needed. This realm needs magic. You have magic. You can help me, keeping my promise to her. I could not return home to her. It's my punishment to remember everything and seeing her everyday with another family." His eyes looked hollow now. „I can't make sense of what you are saying." „Grace, my daughter. Here it is Paige, but it's Grace. My Grace. I have to keep my promise. I have to return to her."

„Why did you never reach out to her?" „To destroy her reality? How cruel do you think I am?" „That's why I should make the hat work? So that you can return home?" „It's the only place where she will remember me." „I understand what it's like to be separated from your child." „I guess, you do. So you will help me?"

Now it was me who was laughing desperately. „There are things you don't understand, Jefferson. Whether or not what you are saying is true, what Henry believes is true, I cannot help any of you. I am not perfect, I never was. I am cursed in a totally different way than you believe you are. I just found my child, I finally found a place where I think I belong, a man I deeply care about, but all of this will soon be taken from me." „By the evil queen?" „No, I wish it had something to do with Regina because I could take care of that. But Jefferson, THIS is not a story, where you have to fight the evil to get your happy ending and live happily ever after. This is the real world, where the only things you have to fight against are severe illnesses. I did not have a chance against mine. I will soon loose my battle."

„NO, stop it!" He discounted the things from the desk. „You are lying. You must be. Now, no more talking! FINISH THE DAMN HAT! Or do you need some motivation? Should I get your friend in here and shot her in the foot?" „Please, don't hurt her. I'll try to get it to work!" „Trying won't do, sweetheart." The gun pressed into my temple. „You better hurry. My patience runs short."

I took the needle and started finishing the hat. It was almost done but it would never bring him ‚home'. What he was asking me to do was impossible. I was sweating, I was constantly pricking my fingers, I was always looking at him. He stood up and positioned himself behind me. He was looking over my shoulder. „Almost ready", he whispered to himself. He leaned closer. This was my chance. He would not hurt me. He needed me alive. At least, that's what I hoped.

My arms shot up and grabbed his face. I pushed his head on the desk as hard as I could. I could hear something cracking and there was lots of blood. I guess, I broke his nose. I jumped up, I had to get away. I was dragging the chair behind me which made me really slow. Suddenly, I could feel a grip on my other foot. I fell onto the floor. „You stupid bitch!" I had hit my head. Nonetheless, I would not go down without fighting. I kicked him and I was able to free my foot out of his grip. I pulled myself upwards on a shelf. He gripped my hair and pushed me into a wall. I hit it so hard, that I was unable to breathe for a few seconds. I fell onto the floor. My foot hurting like hell because of the awkward angle my foot was now tied to the chair.

Jefferson was hovering over me. The blood from his nose dripping into my face. „Why do you make it so hard for us, Emma? You could have been free already if you had just finished the hat." I could glimpse the gun a few inches away from us. I tried to get ahold of it, but he grabbed my hand and pressed it onto the floor. I tried to push him off of me, but he was too heavy. With my free hand, I tried to scratch him, anything that would make him let go of my other hand. In the process, his scarf loosened and I could see a deep scar which went all around his neck. „Off with his head … You better start believing in fairytales, sweetheart, because you are bloody part in many of them."

He took the gun and pointed it directly at my head. „Now finish the hat." „Or what? You are going to shoot me? Well, go on." I could see in his face that he had not expected this reaction. I could not believe I said that either. Do I have a death-wish? But he had not moved in a while. Seemed like this strategy was working. My hand grabbed the gun as well, pushing it harder against my head. „Do it. You would spare me a lot of pain. I can't get it to work, so just pull the trigger." „SHUT UP!" He was hitting me with the gun. I could taste blood in my mouth. He was crying while he began strangling me. My hands were covering his, trying to loosen his grip. I could not breathe anymore. „You were supposed to help me. You were my only chance to get my daughter back. Now I am lost. In fact, everyone in Storybrooke is. We will be stuck in Storybrooke forever." I began seeing black spots at the edges of my vision. My lungs were screaming for air. It hurt so badly. I locked eyes with Jefferson. His blue eyes reminding me of Killian's.

This was the end. I knew it. I would die here and there. He did not make it in time. He would not save me this time. I would not see him again. I could never say aloud to him what I was feeling for him. I would never be able to kiss him again. We had not slept together and now I regretted it. We would not have a chance to do it now.

Suddenly, Jefferson's blue eyes turned into Killian's. Even the surrounding had changed. We were in a room that was glooming with brightness. I could see nothing expect of whiteness. There was no more pain. There were no longer hands around my neck. Someone was putting an arm under my neck and gently pulling me up. It was Killian. „It's you." I brushed over his cheek. „Am I dead?" He was opening his mouth but I hindered him to speak. „No, don't say it. I don't care. It's okay. I know, you are not really here, how could you? You are just an imagination of mine. But now I can tell you what I never dared to say to you in the real world. I love you, Killian. With all my heart. I wish I could have told you. The real you. I hope the real you knows it."

I was kissing him, maybe the last time I got the chance to do it. My forehead rested on his. He pulled me upwards. We were standing opposite from each other. „Is it time for me to go?" He was smiling at me. „Your time has not come yet, love." He began to fade away, beginning with his limbs. Until all I could see, were his blue eyes that always reminded me of the ocean.

I was alone in the white room. He said, it was not my time yet? Then what was I still doing in here? I could hear a voice. „Come back to me, Emma! Come back!" I followed the voice and it lead me to a door that appeared out of nowhere. „Don't you die on me! Don't you dare! I need you." I opened the door and stepped through it.

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I shot up, gasping for air. I was coughing and my throat felt so dry. „Thank god!" Killian wrapped his arms around me, pulling me so close to his body that nothing would have fitted in between of us. I could see Mary Margaret crying, but she was also smiling at me.

„I thought I had lost you. How are you feeling?" „I will survive." I kissed him. „I am so, so glad you made it." „I would never have forgiven myself, if I had come a minute later. It took me a while to find his address in the files in your office." „Where is he?" My body was tensed, since I could not spot him anywhere. „To cut a long story short, I thought I knocked him out but he was not and your roommate here then turned badass and knocked the telescope over his head and kicked him out of the window." I turned around and faced Mary Margaret surprised. She shrugged her shoulders and said: „I don't know where that came from either." She stepped to the window, her face pale. „But he is gone. There is no sign of him."

„Don't worry about him, we are going to find him. First, we have to bring you to your process. Gold will be waiting for you." „And then I am going to take you to the hospital. You need to be checked through." „But…" Mary Margaret said quietly: „You had no pulse, Emma. You were dead for a few seconds. Don't argue with Killian. And that cut on your head looks nasty. It will have to be stitched."

„Fine. Let's get out of this godforsaken place." Killian helped me up. He was steadying me. They had freed my foot. I felt so damaged and like all of my energy had been sucked out of me. But we did it. We found Mary Margaret in time. Killian saved us. Mary Margaret saved him. I put my arms around Killian. I needed to enjoy the last moments with him before I went to prison for Mary Margaret. My decision was fixed. Her life over mine. He would understand. I know it wasn't fair to us, but Mary Margaret needed to be saved. She would not spend the rest of her days in prison only because Regina wanted her there. I would not allow that. It was the only solution left. We had no more time.

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In the hospital they performed a couple of tests on me to make sure everything was okay. Killian and I said that I was attacked after I brought Mary Margaret to her process. Nobody questioned it. My foot had been put in a splint. A young doctor was stitching the cut on my head. I must have got it when I fought Jefferson. Killian was holding my hand. He had not let go of it since he got me out of the house. I know I had to look like a total mess. There was blood everywhere. My own as well as Jefferson's. I was bruised and sweaty. But still he looked at me, as if I was the most beautiful thing in the world. After the doctor left, I wanted to tell Killian my plan to take Mary Margaret's place.

„I was so scarred today, love." He took my face in his hands and pulled it closer to his. His lips brushed softly over mine. My blood turned into lava where he touched me. The butterflies in my stomach turned into bombs that were exploding in my stomach. I wanted to deepen the kiss when suddenly there was a knock on the door. We reluctantly pulled away from each other. „Sorry, to disturb you two lovebirds", Ruby was saying while leaning in the doorway. She did not look jealous, seemed like she had let go of her crush on Killian. „I heard you were attacked? How are you?" „Good, I guess. Just a little shaken up." „Have you caught the guy that attacked you?" „No." „Well, you will have a lot of time searching for him." „Why?" „So you have not heard the news yet?" I looked at Killian. He seemed to be as clueless as I was. „What news?" Ruby was giving me her million dollar smile. „Mary Margaret's case is closed. She is innocent."

„What … but… how?" „You will never believe this. August and me, we made an encounter with the person that solved the whole case. I nearly shit my pants, because I thought it was her dead body." „Kathryn." „Yes, she is alive and she is here." „Emma needs to rest some more." Killian looked at me pleadingly. „You are right. Why don't you go and interview her? As my deputy." „I will." „Thank you."

Killian gave me one more smile before he followed Ruby out of the room. I lay down on the hospital bed and closed my eyes when again there was a knock on my door. It was Dr. Whale. He had some papers in his hands which he was studying concerned. „Emma, we need to talk."


	16. What little gain, I have to offer you

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**Chapter 15: What little gain I have to offer you**

Killian:

Ruby showed me where I could find Kathryn's room. But I was still churning due to the events of the day. So I first went to a automatic coffee maker and bought something, I did not even notice which button I pressed - I did not pay attention. I sat down on a bench in a waiting area. I took a sip from the coffee - it was so hot, I burnt my tongue.

I still could not process what had happened a few hours before. I was waiting eagerly for her to come back to me - with Mary Margaret in tow. I had tried to call her a few times but she did not pick up her phone. I began to worry. And my worries were justified. Her text message nearly gave me a heart-attack. SOS. My whole body was shutting down at the first moment. What was I supposed to do? I had no idea where to search for her, how to get the information I needed. I was a car repairmen - not a bloody cop. I was not even the adventurous guy. But she needed me. She was in danger. I had to protect her.

Those thoughts pushed me into my top form. Well, also the adrenalin pumping through my body due to the fear of loosing her. Time seemed to pass extremely slow. One minute was feeling like an hour. And it took me like forever to find a Jefferson in those bloody files. It almost felt like someone had taken care of making it extra hard to search for him.

I jumped into the car. I did not give a bloody thing about tempo restrictions, stop signs or traffic lights. I had only one goal in mind. Finding Emma. I did not let my thoughts drift into a dark place, like what he was doing to her. I could not let my anger overtake my actions. I needed to be focused - to be most useful in my mission. I also banned the thoughts about being too late, about loosing her.

I had turned off the headlights of my car, so that I would not give myself away. I reached the mansion - I had only seen such houses in movies. I broke the lock and entered the house. I did not hear a single noise. I did not know where they were, so I just started looking. After the 7th door I found Mary Margaret tied to a chair. „He has her!" She wanted to come with me, but I told her to wait outside. I did not want to risk her being hurt - Emma would never have forgiven me if something had happened to her best friend.

I tried another door, but it was locked. I saw at the crack of the door that someone was in there. There was light, there was movement. When I heard her voice, nothing was holding me back anymore. I kicked the door open and saw this guy strangling her. She looked so fragile. She looked like he was breaking every bone in her body. She was pale expect of the splashes of blood in her face. She had her eyes closed. She was no longer able to put up any resistance against him. Her arms were resting next to her body. She looked dead.

I tore him down from her. I threw him against his desk. I punched him in the face. My knuckles hurt due to the hard bones in his face. I wanted to see him as hurt as her. I gave him one blow after the other. Until I realized, he was unconscious. I stopped since I was not like him - to kick him when he's already down. I hurried to her side. I called her name. She did not respond. She was cold. I took off my jacket and lay it over her. And then I realized something was odd. There was no rising and sinking of her chest. She did not breathe. I instantly started cardiopulmonary resuscitation. I was desperate. I thought it was over. That it was not working. That she was gone.

Only from the corner of my eye I saw Mary Margaret knocking Jefferson out with the telescope and pushing him out of the window. She sank against the wall and stared at Emma. Mary Margaret started weeping. She was unable to move or help me, help HER.

None of this was making it any better. I had felt my energy fading, but I had sworn to myself that I would not give up. Never give up. I started murmuring: „Come back to me, Emma!" It became my mantra, words to give me strength. I spoke them louder and louder. But still there was no change in her condition. „How would I explain all of this to Henry? How would I go on with my life if I could not save her now? How could I cope with loosing her?", those were the thoughts in my brain. With one final desperate punch against her chest, I said: „I need you, Emma." And then she suddenly sat up.

She came back to me. I was so surprised because I had not dared to hope anymore. I knew that she had been close to death that day. Medically she had probably been dead for a few moments. I had been so close to loosing her today.

I never wanted to let her out of my sight again. I carried her out of the house. I took her hand and I was determined to never let it go again. My only purpose for the rest of her life would be to protect her from any harm. Never again would something like this happen to her. I would be her constant companion - even if she protested, even if she yelled at me, even if she did not want to see me anymore. This was my choice and in this case I did not give a damn thing about her opinion.

I even was angry at her. She would have sacrificed herself for Mary Margaret - this was very noble of her but it also made me outrageous. She thought her life was less meaningful than Mary Margaret's or anyone else's. She thought only because she was ill, she deserved it less to be saved. Or maybe it had nothing to do with the illness and she thought - generally speaking - that she was not worth it. But she was. She was worth it for me. That's what I had to make her see. It did not matter how much time we had left. We could pack a lifetime filled with love into the last remaining years …months. We just had to leave out the big fights. We just had to be happy.

I stood up from the bench, threw the empty cup away and walked into Kathryn's room. There was still a case to solve. Someone had set up Mary Margaret and it was time for the truth to come out.

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Emma:

„Is someone here with you, Miss Swan? I think you will need moral support." „I don't need anyone to hold my hand." „I am sure your - I assume boyfriend?- will want to know how things are concerning your health. We should wait for him to come back." „I am the one that's sick - not him. Just tell me how sick, please." „I…." „PLEASE, I am begging you. Just tell me." Dr. Whale came closer and sat down on the hospital bed next to me. „Look, we performed some tests last night. I am afraid the cancer has spread to your spinal fluid. Things are progressing more quickly than we first thought. You've moved further down the line."

„How much further?" „I don't want to be drawn into time scales. You see, illnesses affect everyone differently. I can't compare your case to another." „Okay, let me ask this way. Henry's birthday is in May, will I be there?" „Miss Swan, your latest blood counts are very low. Your immune system is in collapse. The cancer is everywhere now." „That's not an answer to my question." I emphasized every word: „WILL I STILL BE AROUND" but then I just whispered because I knew what his answer was going to be, „when Henry blows out the candles on his birthday cake?" I was dreading the answer although I could already tell what he was going to say. Time seemed to stand still. „No." I cried silently. The tears were rolling down my cheeks. I thought I had some more time left but I was even robbed of this last haven I built for myself. The only good time in my whole miserable life. You only realize how happy you have been when everything is taken from you. Maybe it was the price to pay for Mary Margaret's innocence. Maybe god just hated me. Maybe there was no god and it was my fate to die young. Maybe it was just bad luck.

„Miss Swan, I know that you don't have any family left, you should think about committing yourself to the hospital. You would get all the care you needed. You see, you will need a lot of nursing." What he was telling me, was crashing my whole world. I would die in hospital. It was the future lying ahead of me. The future that was already graspable. The future that was no future at all.

„T..tell me how it will be." „You won't want to eat much from now on. You'll be thirsty. And sometimes feverish. You'll want to sleep a lot. You'll have little or no energy." „Will it hurt?" He was taking my hand. „No, we will take care of that. The morphine will make sure you're not in any pain. And it will give you some beautiful dreams. On the contrary, you will start to drift in and out of consciousness. Sometimes you won't be able to respond, but you'll know people are there when they visit you, you'll hear them talk." Should this make me feel better? That I will know if they are in the room? Seeing me lying there half-dead, drained from every color due to the lack of sun, the lack of food, the lack of vitamins. I'll be like a zombie, someone pretending to be alive when they are already gone. I cannot do that to any of them. Henry, Killian, Mary Margaret. I won't let them see me like that.

„This is not fair." „You know, you also have the chance to speak to a grief counselor or join a support group here in the hospital. It helps to talk about it." I jumped up and regretted it due to the pain in my foot. I was cursing. He could not understand it. None of them could. It did not help to talk to some stranger. The only thing that would make me feel better was a fucking miracle. Otherwise I had nothing left to say about the cancer, the thing that has been weighing me down for years now. The last years I have not lived, I only existed. Day in and day out. Always the same routine. Dark clouds above my heads. I never found a way to deal with the cancer, to deal with my anger at the world for punishing or testing me this hard. I always searched for someone, something to blame for all of this.

That was until Henry appeared at my doorstep. He showed me that there was still something left worth living for. He made me dream again, he made me wish for impossible things. Mary Margaret showed me that family does not mean being related to one another, that a sisterly bond can be formed without the same blood in your veins. And Killian. Oh my. I cannot even start with him. It hurt too much. He has already been through a lot. Milah, Graham and now he would loose me too. It was inevitable. I should never have approached him. I was selfish. And yet, I did not regret any of it.

But all of this had to end. I would resume my life like it was before I met any of them. I would return to existing instead of living. To spare them the pain of seeing me slowly passing away. To spare myself the pain to see them suffering because of me. I did not want them to remember me in a hospital bed, a thousand tubes coming from my body, connecting me to machines and bags filled with infusions. I was just a single person. They will get over me. I had to leave now to make it easier for all of us.

„Just think about staying in hospital but I am sure that however you handle those last days, will be exactly as it should be done." „I hate it when you say days, never do that again." „I am sorry." I got to the door and wanted to step through it. „Where are you going?" I just mumbled: „Fresh air." I was limping down the corridors of the hospital. I needed to get out of here. I felt claustrophobic in here. It was like a prison - a prison I would not be able to leave in a few weeks. The walls seemed to come nearer and nearer, circling me. I hurried and pushed the doors open.

I could not stop the tears from falling. I could not help sobbing. People were staring at me. I fled from them. I hid behind a wall. I let myself glide to the floor. Slowly, because every centimeter was hurting due to my foot. I hugged my feet and put my head on top of my knees.

I knew my situation had been hopeless to begin with: leukemia - a fatal illness without me responding to treatment, an orphan that never felt whole, a runaway that never had a home, a girl that lost her heart to the wrong guy. But now it had seemed like everything was about to change. I had had a good life in front of me. I just did not count on having such limited time left.

It was my time to leave Storybrooke. I knew it the moment I was dreading Dr. Whale's serious-talk-face. Since I was selfish, I would grant myself another day with them. A day filled with laughter, fun, carefreeness, happiness, love, passion. A day worth remembering. In the middle of the night, I would leave them all behind and find some hospital in which I could die alone. Without hurting them further. Without them seeing me becoming a helpless little girl that needed nursing.

That was the plan. I should not waste more time. I rubbed the tears away. I hoped my eyes were not puffy red which would give me away instantly. Hold your head up high and put on a smile. I had enough training. But I also wanted to enjoy this last day. I did not want to think about leaving them, I wanted to think about the day I would gain with them: Another collection of wonderful memories that would keep me company in hospital. I would push those bad thoughts away. I would forget that I was ill. Just for one day.

I had to find Killian.

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„So, she has seen Sydney?" „Yes. But we all know who is really behind this. That man would do everything for one person in this town." Killian was grabbing my hand again. It felt good having him near me. „You too believe it was Regina? Or do you think we are being paranoid? I mean, because of that woman he lost everything. His reputation, his job." „You do stupid things when you are in love." „You think he is in love with that sick, crazy woman?" „Well, he never questioned her, he always stood by her side. He was always looking at her. I would bet all my money on him loving Regina. Maybe they even had an affair and for him it became something more. "

„Please, don't give me stuff for nightmares!" He was chuckling. „Whatever. But we are going to find some evidence in a basement in some house out there. She is not going to get away with it. And Sydney better opens his mouth and speaks because if not, he will go down with her." „I still cannot believe all this turned out fine. I mean, it's sad that Kathryn got abducted and was drugged and held against her will, but no one was severely hurt, right? Mary Margaret will be released from prison any minute now. Sydney is waiting in a cell for us to interrogate him. Peace seems to have come to Storybrooke." „Yeah, seems like it will get quite boring in Storybrooke. Not much will go on from now on." „I would not put the kiss of death on that. Something always appears to happen in Storybrooke." „At least, we get to enjoy some quiet moments, don't you think, love?" „Yeah."

He gently pulled me closer to his body. We were in the middle of the town, everyone could see us but I did not care. I was pressing my lips feverishly against his. I could never get enough of these. He tasted better every time we shared a kiss. His hands rested on the small of my back, pressing me closer to his body. My hands tangled in his hair. His tongue brushed over my lower lip, asking for entrance. Our tongues touched in my mouth. He was such a good kisser. We only pulled apart because we were out of breath.

„I promised to pick up Henry. He wants to be there when Mary Margaret gets home. He even bought her a present." „He is such a nice lass." „Yeah, he is." „Will I see you tonight?" „I could stop by after I drop off Henry." „I'll be waiting for you. Do you have anything special in mind? Should I cook something for us?" „You cook?" „Just a few meals but those I mastered taste delicious. And maybe I could buy a fancy, expensive wine." „If I did not know any better, I would say you are trying to seduce me." „Oh please, we both know it needs more than a candlelight dinner to ensnare you, Swan. And, although I like the way you are thinking - very much indeed, it was absolutely not the direction I had in mind for tonight. I just want to spend some time with you."

„Should I bring anything?" „Just yourself. That will be enough." He gave me a smile. „Huh, and there I was thinking you would say something like: but put something nice on for me." „I like you in everything, love." He pressed a kiss on my forehead. „Although, I have never seen you in a dress." „Hm… since you like me in everything…" He was playing with a strand of my hair, while my hand was fumbling at the zipper of his jacket. „It was just a suggestion. You could put on a potato sack and I would still find you enchanting." „Sounds more like my style." We both were grinning at each other. Next to him, I had eyes for nothing. I would not notice the world going under with him so close. But I had to break out off his spell. I needed to concentrate on my mission. „I really need to get going. Henry is probably already waiting for me."

„Promise not to miss me too much, love." „I will be busy the whole time. I don't think you will be much present in my thoughts. You, on the other hand, will be alone and doing what exactly?" He put the strand of hair he had been playing with behind my ears and brushed my skin in the process. I was getting goosebumps where he had left his trail. „I need to check the shop. I am quite behind with my work there. And it's a pity you won't think about me while I am gone since you will be in my every thought until we are together again." „Good." I smiled at him, he returned it. Why did he make me feel this way? Like a teenager that was in love for the first time. When you think you met your soulmate, the final piece missing in your puzzle. But it felt good. I felt complete.

„I'll see you tonight, love." I was walking away from him slowly, our hands still entwined. I only reluctantly let go of it. We were still looking into each others eyes, until he disappeared behind a corner and I could no longer see him. I already knew that I would miss him like hell.

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„So you defeated the mad-hatter?" Henry was so excited when I told him about Jefferson. Someone who shared his beliefs, someone you was convinced having sprung out of a book. „Well, your teacher here did!" I patted Mary Margaret's shoulder. „She kicked his ass!" „But he disappeared, right? He must have fallen through his hat! He is back in the Enchanted Forest. You did it, Emma! You worked your magic! I wish I could have been there too." Mary Margaret and I looked at each other, sharing the same thought: thank god, he was not. He would have seen me nearly getting killed. We all were eating some donuts we had bought on the way from the station to the apartment.

„But you should never tell a single soul about this event! It would get me and Mary Margaret into a lot of trouble and explaining." „I am not stupid, Emma. So, how did you escape anyway, Mary Margaret?" I looked into her eyes. We have never talked about this either. I was waiting for an answer too. „There was a key in my cell, under my pillow. Someone put it there." Henry and I both shot at the same time: „WHO?" Mary Margaret just shrugged her shoulders: „I'd like to know as much as you." „And why didn't you run away after you were out of the hands of the mad man? Emma surely would have let you if you asked her." I loved Henry so much in this moment! My little detective!

„I realized it would have been a dumb idea. My whole life is here. I couldn't leave my …" She put her hand over mine. „family behind. I began to understand that family is more important than everything. I would rather have Emma behind my back than facing the world as a runway alone. And I trust Emma. I always did." I fought hard not to break into tears. The illness made me so teary. I always cried over little things. But I did not want to shed a tear in front of my son. I could see Mary Margaret was struggling herself.

Henry was giving us a weird look. „I nearly forgot!" He was rummaging in his backpack until he found what he was looking for. It was a pink paper filled with names, and it had glitter on it. „That's from the whole class. But that present sucks, wait till you see mine!" I looked over Mary Margaret's shoulder to be able to read what was standing there. „We are so glad you didn't kill Misses Nolan." „I got you a bell. It's from Mr. Gold's shop." „Thank you, Henry. Tell everyone I will be back soon." „You went to Gold's shop, alone?" „No, August was there too." „August? What was he doing there?" „Looking for something, I guess." „Are you two planning something?" „Me? With August? What sense would that make?" „You tell me." I could sense he was lying to me.

The belle was ringing and interrupted me in interrogating my son. Mary Margaret hurried to the door. „SURPRISE!" Suddenly, the apartment was filled with people. Ruby - as the party person she was - had organized a welcome home party. Everyone was telling Mary Margaret how sorry they were for believing her being guilty. She was brave that evening. I could see something in her eyes, that I never thought I'd see in there. A dark side. A spoilt side. An unforgiving side. Nonetheless, she smiled at them, talked to them, accepted their apologies.

I was sitting somewhere for myself. I sipped on my drink a few times and took a look around. Henry and August were talking - I knew he was lying. I bet it had something to do with operation cobra. But I did not see what August would be gaining with encouraging Henry in his beliefs. Mary Margaret sat down next to me. She herself had a drink in her hand. „All these people, just to welcome me home?" „You have a lot of friends." „Did not feel like that yesterday." „Why are you suddenly in such a bad mood?" „David." „Oh." „Yeah, he wanted to talk. I could not stand seeing him. He doubted me." „He fell for it, but it was a really good set up." „But you never doubted me." „Not everyone has my superpower." I gave her an encouraging smile. She did not react. „It just feels like … some higher forces don't want me and David together. It's like something just keeps pouring poison between us. And what I don't want, is to have all of those good memories I shared with him… Replaced by moments like that. When I looked at him and I saw that he didn't believe me… he broke my heart. I always thought he would be the person that would always catch me when I fall."

„I know he hurt you, and I totally get you being mad at him. He messed up. But don't you still love him?" „That's what makes this all so sad." „As someone who knows how valuable time is, I give you the advice to not waste it. Life is short. If you still love him, you should give him another chance, you should see if things work out between the two of you without all this drama, without him having a wife, without you being his affair. And if THIS situation - he doubting you - always stands between the two of you, you can still end it. At least, you'd know that you tried mending things and you would not spend the rest of your life wondering. Just think about it, yeah?" She only nodded. I could tell she was drifting into deep thoughts.

I emptied my drink. I was watching the surrounding again. Henry talking to Archie, petting Pongo. Ruby leaning against the table, talking to August while playing with her hair. So he was the reason she was not jealous of me and Killian. August was always glancing at … Mr. Gold. Something was definitely up here. Too bad I would not get the answer. No, Emma. Don't go there just yet. You promised yourself a full day without thinking about it.

I stood up and walked over to Henry. „We should get you home before your mom finds out. That would not be pretty." Henry ran to my room to grab his things. I walked back to Mary Margaret. „You okay with me leaving you alone with all of them?" „I wondered where Killian was the whole time. So you have different plans?" „Yes. You definitely should not wait for me today." She pulled one eyebrow up. „Since I am a motherly figure here, I just want to know if you have given the topic enough thought, sleeping with a man…" „Stop right there! I did not say anything about sleeping with him…" „Just use protection!" „My god, I wish I could sink into the ground. This is so embarrassing." We both were laughing. She went to Ruby and August and talked to them.

„Miss Swan, how are you feeling?" He was hinting at my illness. „Gold, I thought we had this unspoken agreement to never talk about that incident again." „Is there someway that I can help you? I could send you to some specialists, the best treatment to buy with money." „Why would you do that?" „I am just a caring person. A rich, caring person." „Or is there something else making you offering me this? Maybe a guilty conscience?" „Why should I feel guilty?" „I don't know. Did you have anything to do with the disappearance of Kathryn Nolan?" „No, of course not. Are you proposing I am working with Regina? Because I am assuring you, I am not. This was just me trying to be nice." „Is this still about the favor I am owing you?" „Maybe." He was glancing at August again. „What do you know about him?" „He goes by August. He is a wrapped in an enigma, wrapped in stubble. Why the sudden interest?" „He was poking around my shop today. August Wayne Booth. Clearly a false name. There's one thing I know about – it's names." „Writers go by pseudonyms. What does it matter?" „Do you trust him?" „A lot more than I trust you. But I don't have time for this Gold. If you want something from him, you better ask him yourself." In that moment Henry came back. „Goodbye, Gold."

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Henry and I were getting out of the car. The moment we did, the door to the house was opened. Regina was starring daggers at me. That woman wanted me gone so badly. Well, she succeeded. Henry was murmuring: „Oh uh." I knelt down and brushed over his head. „It will be alright. I will talk to her." I hugged him. I hugged him far longer than was normally usual. But could you condemn me? It was going to be the last time, I was going to see my son. After a while Henry pushed me away gently. „You are acting weird." I had tears in my eyes. I did not want to let go of him. I did not want to leave him. He turned around and ran into the house, past Regina.

I walked closer to her. „What is wrong with you, Miss Swan? It's a school's night, he won't be able to concentrate tomorrow due to the lack of sleep." „I am sorry, I just forgot time." I wanted to return to my car. But her voice hindered me. „Congratulations, Sheriff Swan. You solved the case and got yourself a confession. Mister Jones phoned me a couple of hours ago. Sydney confessed everything." I looked behind her to check if Henry was still around. „I know you were behind all of this, Regina. You condemn that poor man to a life in prison. I don't know what Mary Margaret ever did to you to deserve your hatred - you tried to take her away from me by setting her up. And I don't understand why you are playing these games.

You are a sociopath, lady. You don't seem to care about anyone or anything but to take the law into your own hands. But I can assure you, you have no more reason to hurt people I care about just to drive me out of Storybrooke. You won, I am leaving." „Finally some sense has come into you." „So now that I will go, you can finally stop playing your games and think more about Henry. When I look into your eyes, I can see that you care about him, you may even love him, but you don't put him first. He is my son too and he deserves a mother whose only wish is to make him happy." „Are you opposing you taking him away from me?" I laughed at her. „I am surprised that with all the research you did on me, you never came behind my big secret. The secret that would tell you that even if I wanted to, I could never take Henry away from you." „Because you asked for a closed adoption." „No, because I would leave him orphaned. I am dying, Regina. I am leaving to spare him any more pain. Don't tell, Henry. Just find some excuse for my farewell, think of something that will make him hate me - I don't think you have a problem with that."

She was lost for words. I have never seen her this way. „This is what you wanted, right? You wanted me gone. So now you can finally let your anger behind you and start treasuring the time with Henry. Always keep in mind, that I would have done anything to swap our places. I would kill for Henry because he … he is my happy ending. Isn't he your's as well, Regina? Take a look at your life: you are the major, you live in this big fancy house. You have Henry. Don't let your past define you, be the person Henry needs. As much as I hate to admit it, you must have done something right, because Henry turned out to be a great kid. You just have to return to your roots. He needs you more than you realize, Regina. So, watch over my boy, Regina. Take good care of him. Love him. Because I cannot be around him anymore to do that." She was not celebrating the way I had expected it from her. So my nearing death must have shocked her.

„Thank you, Regina, for being his mother. For taking him in. And just some final advice: I will watch you from wherever I am going - be it heaven or hell, being me turning into a star or into nothingness, if you ever hurt my boy again, I will find a way to make you pay for it, I promise you that."


	17. Another mother's breaking heart

Finally I had the time to write another chapter :) I have so many ideas what is going to happen next! So stayed tuned :D

I thank you all so much for reading this story and all of you who take the time to review: I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!

**Chapter 16: Another mother's breaking heart is taking over**

I had cried after I left Regina's. I had screamed and raged. I had pounded against the wheel until I accidentally hit the horn which startled me so much that I became silent. I was emotionally down. I looked into the mirror. My eyes were puffy, I looked like a total mess. For my plan to enjoy my last day in Storybrooke, it had been a mistake to talk to Regina, but I did not regret it. She needed to hear it. I needed to say those words out loud because I always wondered why Regina was so angry, why she wanted people to suffer, why she thought she had to manipulate the people around her so that she got what she wanted - she had Henry, did anything else really matter? If our places were swapped, Henry would be enough. Okay, Henry, Mary Margaret and Killian.

Killian… I had to see him. I needed him right now. I could not leave without seeing him one more time. My final day in Storybrooke was not over. I had one more person on my list that I wanted to be with, before crossing the town line. Before giving up the life I had always dreamed of. He deserved this day as well as I did. A day worth remembering. I put on some make-up - to cover the puffy eyes and traces of tears. I put on some lipstick to give my face some color and a little bit of rouge for the same reason.

I had put on the only dress I own in the back of my car. Although I hated it. It was too pink, it was too tight, it was too girly. It showed too much of my curves. But he had asked for it. I wanted to grant him this last wish. Although I could not put heels on - due to the splint on my left leg. I squeezed myself into the tight dress on the backseat of my car. I had experience since I had literally lived in this car before.

I shook my hair to make it look more voluminous. With a final glance in the driving mirror, I was satisfied with the way I looked. My appearance was so different than usual. But somehow I felt … good. Well, better than before. Because this was so normal. Dressing up for your date. And I did not feel ill. I felt alive. I opened the front-door and got out of the car.

I put on some coat that covered most of my body. I did not want him to see me in this dress just yet. I wanted to fully enjoy the moment when he saw me in the dress. When he hopefully checked me out, when he admired the way my curves were showing. I trust not that I would be a disappointment for him.

I leisurely walked over to his apartment. I enjoyed the night air - it was a rather warm evening. I guess spring would be here soon. I rang his belle. A second later the door swung open as if he had been waiting there for me the whole time. He looked gorgeous. In fact, he always did. But today was special. He wore tight black trousers and a blue shirt that made his eyes that much bluer. „Hello love." He took my hand and softly pulled me into the flat. He closed the door behind me. A moment later I was pressed against the same door. He was feverishly attacking my lips with his. His hands were brushing over my sides. I was shivering and goosebumps were all over my body. His lips travelled to my neck. I could feel his tongue wandering over my skin until he found that one spot on my neck that made me moan. He sucked the skin there. I would surely have a hickey in the morning but I did not care. I wanted him to mark my body.

Suddenly, he pulled away. He left me hanging in the air. „I am glad you could come." I starred disbelievingly at him. „The food will get cold." I wanted to tell him to let it get cold. All I wanted was him. „Are you coming, love?" Fine. Let's play by his rules. I had not intended to seduce him. But I was a woman. And I had needs. Needs that have been neglected far too long.

„Where can I put my coat? It's warm in here." I let the coat slide over my shoulders slowly, revealing more and more of my outfit. His eyes were traveling with the coat until the coat has fallen off of me. Then his eyes roamed over my body shamelessly. „Just leave the coat there." „Like what you see, Killian?" „You look beautiful." He again took my hand in his and pulled me after him. I had not noticed it being so dark in here since I was too distracted by him and his touches. But now I could see why. There were candles everywhere. On the windowsills, on the floor, on the kitchen counters, on the dining table, on the chairs which we would not need. It was the most romantic thing someone has ever done for me.

He guided me to my chair. He pulled it backwards, so that I could take a seat. „Want a glass of wine?" „Yes, please." He purred some wine in both our glasses. He raised his glass and we touched glasses. „To a wonderful evening." I said. „To a wonderful woman", he replied. All of this made me feel … so special. Not even Neal had the ability to do that. Everything else was forgotten for the time being.

I sipped from the glass. It tasted wonderful. It was sweet and the taste played around my palate. „I am going to get the food." I wanted to get up to help him. „No! Stay. This evening is all about you." I watched him from my seat. How could a single man be so alluring in everything he did? It was even turning me on watching him working his magic in the kitchen. He came back with two plates. I starred down at mine. „Spaghetti bolognese?" „Yeah, I hope you like it." „I love spaghetti bolognese." Although I was not a little bit hungry, I pulled up some noodles on my fork and put them in my mouth. I did not know what I should have expected. That he was exaggerating? Well, he definitely was not. It tasted better than anything I had had in my whole life. „It's delicious." „I am glad you like it."

We were eating silently until he broke the silence. „I checked the station. Sydney confessed everything. Said he wanted to play the hero in pretending to find Kathryn and he hoped this way he was getting his job back." „I already knew. Regina told me. But let's not talk about work." I smiled at him. „Did you get some rest today, love?" „Not really. Ruby had organized a surprise party for Mary Margaret." „Yeah, she invited me as well but I was busy preparing the food and everything else." I raised my eyebrow. I was excited what else was about to come.

After a few more bits I was so stuffed but I had finished the whole plate. He had finished a couple of minutes ago. He took both our plates and put them in the dishwasher. He put some record on the phonograph. It was an old song which I recognized but I did not know the name. He pulled me close to his body and we were swaying to the music. He was spinning me around. His eyes locked with mine. I was sinking into the blueness of them. It was carrying me to a different place. A place were this day never had to end. Where we were happy forever.

„I have never danced before", I confessed. „There's only one rule pick a partner who knows what he's doing. And you seem to be a natural, love." The song finished and so did apparently the record.

Killian pointed me to follow him. He made me sit down on his sofa. Behind us was an old cinema projector. He switch it on. At first there was only a flickering but then a black and white movie rolled over the wall. „What are we watching?" „Casablanca." He handed me a whole package of ice cream. He had two spoons. „I did not know how hungry you were so I thought: you can't go wrong with ice cream." He put some ice cream on one spoon and made me open my mouth. „It's good. I love Ben and Jerry's. But I am not hungry anymore."

„Then let me put it away." I was alone for a few seconds. I still could not believe how much thought he had given this date. I fell in love with him again. He sank in the couch next to me. He pulled me close to him. My head rested on his shoulder, my arms were around his body. We were watching the movie. I felt so comfortable. I realized that sex was not that important anymore. I just wanted to be with him.

His hand drew patterns on my back. My eyes got heavier and heavier. Only then did I realize how tired I was. I did not get the chance to lay down today. I fought hard not to fall asleep. But I did not have a chance.

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When I woke, I was laying on the sofa alone. I did not know how long I slept but it could not have been that long given that it was still dark outside. I brushed the sleep out of my eyes. The film projector was still running, although the movie was over. So it really could not have been that long. But where was Killian?

I decided to go to the toilet and then search for him. Without thinking I ripped the door open. There was steam everywhere. I could hear Killian humming a song to himself. I closed the door but still a crack was open so that I could look through. He was standing in the shower. His front facing the wall, so I got to see his backside. The water was running over his perfect body. I followed the way of the water. When I got to his butt, I bit my bottom lip. What an ass! He was so gorgeous in every way. I wanted to touch his whole body, beginning with gripping that butt of his.

I noticed that he did not bring clothes to change into with him. My mind was working hardcore. He would go to his bedroom to get changed. He would not run around naked when he had not made a move yet. I glanced at him once again. If I had the courage, I would just undress now and go to him in the shower. But that was too desperately. No, I would wait in the bedroom for him. And I felt kind of awkward spying on him like this.

I silently closed the door and hurried to get in his bedroom. The bed was made. He was such a Mister Perfect. I jumped into his kingsize bed. His sheets smelled of him and I was taken aback to when I had first slept here all those weeks ago. When he had insisted on me sleeping in his bed while he camped on the sofa. He has always been a gentleman, although he could be a bit more like the womanizer he was back then. I wanted him more than I had ever wanted anyone in my life. I have never carved to be fucked by someone as much as I wanted him to make love to me.

I had dreamed about sleeping with him all this time. I finally wanted the dream to become reality. The door to the bedroom was opened. Only a towel was covering his body. With one hand he was drying his hair with a smaller towel and with his other hand he was searching for the light switch. He has not seen me yet.

The room was lit. I was half sitting/half lying due to my elbows which we pressed on the bed. He looked up and saw me watching him. The small towel fell from his hand. He looked startled. „Emma." I was checking him out. Under my gaze he seemed to blush. I made the cocky Killian Jones blush. I did not even have words for how excited that made me feel. I slowly stood up and walked over to him. He seemed out of control, he could not move, he was standing there like an invisible force was keeping him in the same space. He did not meet my eyes. Gods, he looked so irresistible. I had no idea he could be this shy.

„I would have carried you to the bed. You were sleeping so soundly, I did not want to disturb your sleep." „What if I wanted you to disturb my sleep?" Now his eyes locked with mine. He did not respond, he just starred into my eyes. I opened the zipper on the back of my dress. I pulled the dress down slowly. His eyes instantly shot to the place where more and more skin was revealed. The dress fell on the floor. I was standing before him in my bra and undies. Thank god, they were matching. I stepped out of the dress and walked closer to him. I could hear him breathing irregular. I loved how I affected him, when I had not laid a single finger on him, when he was only seeing me.

„What are you doing, Emma?" Our bodies were inches apart from each other. I leaned closer and began kissing his neck. He sank against the wall behind us. „Emma, I don't think this is a good idea … You were attacked. You should rest." I was nibbling his earlobe. My hands were on his toned stomach, just millimeters above the beginning of his towel. „I feel fine, Killian." Suddenly, he gripped my hands. I feared he would force me to stop. But then he turned us around so that my back was pressed against the wall. My hands were above my head, where he kept them in place.

His eyes were darker than usual. I knew he was not able to hold back anymore, just like I could no longer resist him. He began kissing me vigorously. He was grinding his hips against mine, which made me moan. „Killian, I need you." I nearly stumbled over those words. I had never begged anyone to fuck me. He did not hesitate any longer. I slung my feet around his hips and he carried us to his bed. (I am sorry, I suck at smut :D so you have to live with this xD)

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My head rested on his breast. His arms were around me. He had drifted to sleep a few minutes ago, I had noticed because his breathing had gotten slower and slower. I knew, I should already be on my way. But … it felt so good, lying in his arms. I felt so comfortable and my sadness was dulled. And the truth was, I did not want to leave him. I did not want to leave anyone of them. But I had to. It was the right thing to do. Maybe not the honorable thing but definitely the right thing.

To be on the save side I waited a couple of minutes before I gently took his hands from my body. I sat up and stood up. I searched for my clothes but then, I did not want to put that dress on again. I opened his wardrobe and put some of his clothes on. Things to remind me of him. Things that smelled of him. My gaze fell on him. And I no longer could help the tears from coming. This was it. I would leave them. Killian, Henry and Mary Margaret. I gave him one last kiss on the lips, soft enough to not wake him up, our lips were barely touching. Then,without glancing back, I left his apartment. I got into my bug and drove to the loft to pick up my things. I had packed it already and hidden the bag in my wardrobe.

I only hoped that Mary Margaret had already gone to sleep. Much too quickly I got there. I opened the front-door silently. I could not hear anything. There were still glasses and empty bottles everywhere. I tip-toed into Mary Margaret's room. She was sleeping. I still was crying. I walked over to her and brushed gently over her cheek. I whispered: „No matter how this will look like to you in the morning, I really did mean what I said. You are like family to me. I am sorry." I rushed down the stairs, grabbed my bag and left again.

I took the road to leave Storybrooke. It had begun to rain heavily - fitting my mood. I was crying a river. I was too young to take care of Henry when I gave him up for adoption and now that I had a stable life, I no longer could be there for him. I could not save him from his sociopathic mother. I only hoped she was changing for the sake of him. I prayed that I had talked some sense into her. And now, I was leaving him again without an explanation again. I will fail him again. I will disappoint him beyond repair. He will never be able to forgive me. None of them will be.

I knew this was the worst decision I could make, but out out of the pocket of my jacket I pulled a little bottle filled with rum. It would calm my mind. It would stop my brain from thinking. It would kill the doubt. It would make it easier.

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_Meanwhile: POV Regina:_

I had had a few apple ciders. In my hands, I held the photos that Sydney had taken from Emma from when I had sent him to spy on her. Now that I knew the truth, I could not understand how I had not noticed before. She was so pale and she always had those big, black and blue bruises. I stepped closer to the fire that was burning in the fireplace. I glanced one more time at the photos before I threw them into the fire and watched as she slowly disappeared from the photographs due to the heat before every single one turned into dust. Just like that she soon would be gone from my life too. She was just a little disturbance along my way - soon she will be forgotten.

I sank in my chair again. But still something was nagging at me. She was dying - a thing that I had dreamed about for months. Not because I believed she was the savior - no, the illness only confirmed that Gold had to be mistaken - but because she had had this instance connection with my son. A son that I loved from the bottom of my heart, a son that seemed to loathe me more than anything else in the world. It made me so angry, seeing him warming up to her! She had given him away, she did not want to have him. I took him in, I cared for him, I changed his diapers - by god, there were so many diapers, I nursed him when he was ill - I even took time off, just to be there for him. Where was she, when he broke his leg falling from the climbing contraption? Who had nearly a heart-attack when he came 20 minutes too late on one Friday night? Who listened to the poems he had to learn for school over and over again, so that they sticked in his brain? How dare she tell me to be a better mother? I was a good mother. I loved him.

And yet … I still was not joyous about her soon passing away. Maybe because she had a point. Revenge was still clouding my brain. I still wanted vengeance for Daniel - even though he was long gone. I mean, haven't all of them suffered enough? Even though I did not believe Emma was Snow's and Charming's child, they still had missed out their daughter growing up. Isn't that the worst fate of them all? How would I feel if someone took Henry from me and I would get to see him 28 years later? They never would know if their daughter had made it to this world alive. They never knew if their daughter would ever find them. They will never know that they had a daughter.

What would Daniel think of me, when he saw me now? The monster that I let myself become due to the grief of having lost him. All the sins I had committed, justifying it with doing it for him. But I could not imagine that he had wanted me to curse everyone, killing my father in the process. I have become what other people saw in me: the evil queen. And for a time, I had not minded. I was alone. No one had to look up to me. But I was a mother now. I should be a role-model for my son and that I had not been.

I could not undo what I have done. But I had a chance to right things with Henry. It would be difficult to change the person I have become. He was worth trying it. I would be the person he needed. I would show him love - and only love. No more talking about him going to therapy because of his wild imagination - when he was the only one who saw behind my trickery. Henry just has forgotten all the good times we had had. The many excursions we had taken. The laughters we had shared, the games we had played. I had to remind of those old days, of the person I had been around him.

But first, I had to stop Emma. If she leaves now, Henry will forever be blaming me. He would never be able to let go of her. No, she needed to stay. We - she and I together - had to tell him the truth. So that he understands, that Emma does not leave him willingly, so that he understands that he is not unwanted by her, that she loves him so much that she even considered leaving before he learnt the truth. It will be hard but it is the right way to end things.

And the only way to stop Emma from leaving, is to tell the person that wants her to break this god-dammed curse more than Henry. Rumpelstiltskin.

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I slammed the door to his shop open. I was not even concerned that he was here this late. He was not even surprised to see me. „Regina, to what do I owe the pleasure?" I faked a smile - a smile worth a victor that has gotten everything he ever wanted. I had to do this convincingly or else my plan would not work. Now he seemed a little bit confused. Good.

„I just wanted to stop by to tell you, I no longer hold a grudge against you because you messed up with Snow White." He smiled at me. „And you came all the way just to tell me that, Regina? You are aware that I have a phone, right?" „Oh no, I came here to tell you, why I am not angry with you any longer. You see, my plan was to get Mary Margaret sentenced to hurt Emma Swan. She cares a lot about that utterly naive and dumb teacher, enough that her not being able to help her friend would have driven her away from Storybrooke eventually. She would not have been able to live with that failure here in Storybrooke. But now … I no longer need to search for a way to expel her from Storybrooke. The problem is solving itself."

I was leaning on his counter, looking into his narrowed eyes. „What do you mean, dearie?" „The sheriff dropped off Henry tonight at my house and she told me … did you know that your so-called savior is dying?" I watched his face. No emotion was showing, no concern, no shock. „So, you already knew that. Well, I am not surprised. You always had a thing for stalking vulnerable women. But I am bit hit that you did not think it was important to share that little detail with me. But… It does not matter anymore. Soon, she will be gone from all of our lives." „What did you do, Regina?" Now, he was beginning to sound angry. Like he wanted to rip my heart out and crush it. I was laughing in his face.

„I did not do anything. I did not have to. She decided to leave on her own." „She cannot leave." „Oh, but she will, Gold, I don't believe you have anything to say in that matter." He clenched his fists. „No one can leave Storybrooke." „That does not apply to her, Gold. She does not come from here, she was only able to enter because of Henry. And I am warning you, Rumpelstiltskin, you better not dare cross me again. You will not interfere with her leaving."

Now he was smiling. „Do you really think that she would listen to me? I could not stop her even if I wanted to. MR. BOOTH?" Gold was raising his voice. The stranger was stepping out of his office. „What is he doing here?" „Oh, Mr. Booth and I had a little misunderstanding and now, he is owing me. And I know just the way that he can repay me. Mr. Booth, I think it is in your interest as well. Miss Swan intends to leave Storybrooke, you have to stop her and I think you have to hurry." „I am already on my way." He stormed passed me. „WAIT!" I screamed. „Regina, I want you to stay away from Emma and August for tonight, PLEASE."

„You think you won, Gold, but you did not. She still is dying. Soon, she does not have to leave Storybrooke to be out of my way." I did not let him respond and just left the shop. My mission was fulfilled. She would stay and she would never get to know, I was the one trying to stop her.

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_POV Emma: _

I had stopped the car. I was starring at the sign: „You are now leaving Storybrooke." How can the right thing feel so wrong? I got out of the car. Killian's clothes were drenched within a few minutes. I walked slowly to the town-line. Still I was drinking a few sips of the rum. Lightnings were brightening the dark night. Neal had told me, that when you have found your home, you missed it when you were gone. Storybrooke really has become a home to me, because I missed it already without actually having really left it. So, it never had to do anything with the place itself, just the people who were there. People that made your life that much better. I sank to the floor.

It was impossible that I had tears left, but they did not stop from coming. I was so weak, I was shaking so much. It was cold, I was exhausted: physically as well as emotionally. I lay down on the middle of the road, starring into the sky. Just for a few minutes. Just long enough to make my brain shut up with the doubt. The bottle was empty. I threw it away. Suddenly, someone was calling my name. I looked up but I could only saw the outlines of a person due to the headlights. „Emma? Are you alright? What are you even doing there?" I was speechless. Why was August here? I sat up slowly. I already felt a bit dizzy from the rum. „Do you need help?" I was laughing. The rum definitely has hit me. „Yes, I do. Can you help me?", I said sarcastically. „What's wrong, are you drunk?" „No … well, maybe a little bit." He pulled me to my feet. „You are freezing. We should get you home." I pushed him away. „No, I won't go home. I will leave Storybrooke tonight." „Are you out of your mind? You cannot drive in your condition."

„It's none of your business." „Emma, I… I care about you. Aren't we sort of friends?" The rain was still falling. „Well, as my friend, I am going to tell you a secret. A BIG secret. I have never said it out loud. But it does not change anything." I had stepped closer to him, he was starring in my eyes, he was waiting for me to go on talking. „Do you know, what's really funny, August? When I was younger and I was passed from one shitty place to the next, when I was a lost girl, when all I got was trouble, do you know what I always wished for?" He seemed to be unsure if I wanted an answer, so I pointed him to give me a response to my question. „A family?" „Yeah, one would think that. But no, no I did not. I prayed to god to free me of my pain, to take mercy on me and just end my life. That is my big secret. Well, I guess you should always be careful what you wish for, hm?"

„What do you mean, Emma? Have you taken something? Should I call 911?" He had grabbed my chin and looked into my eyes, maybe looking for dilated pupils. „No, August, I don't have to take any pills or drive my car into the next tree to die because I am already dying, with every new second the tumor is destroying me more and more until it will defeat me." „You … you have cancer?" „Yes. And I only have a few more weeks left to live. So now could you please just leave me alone and let me get the hell out of here? Because if I stay a minute longer, I won't have the strength to leave. I don't want to but I also don't want to hurt them." „That's a poor excuse, Emma. You only want to spare yourself anymore pain. Telling them, I guess you also mean Henry, and seeing their reaction will cause you pain. That's why you want to leave, because it is the easier way out." „So what? Can you condemn me?" „No, I can't, I probably would do the same because I am a selfish person. But you are different, Emma. You care about other people. If you go now, it will hurt them more than you staying. Because you will be gone from their lives without a word, without an explanation. It's not the right way."

He pulled me into a hug. „You are better than this, Emma. You and I both know that you will regret leaving the minute you have left. The people you love will be there for you. I will be there for you. Especially me." I could hear him sobbing into my ear. „Because I have to make it up to you." „What are you talking about?" „I'll explain tomorrow. I'll bring you home. Give me your keys."

I did without hesitation. Because he was right. People will be hurt either way, it was better to stay. For me and for them. They should never think that I did not care about them enough to say my goodbyes. The only thing I had to worry about now, was how to break the news to Henry. I was getting sick by only thinking of it. And of course, I was curious what August would reveal to me. But all of that could wait until tomorrow. Because I still would be sticking around.

As soon as I sat into the car, I fell asleep.


	18. In the shadows of the dark

I am alive! :D I am sorry for not updating for so long. At first, I had so much stress because of university and then I spent traveling Europe, so there was no way for me to write. I hope you can forgive me!

And I am very sad to say, but I don't know when I'll be able to update next. There is so much happening in my life time right now. I hope you can understand that.

Well, anyways, enjoy the new chapter :)

**Chapter 17: In the shadows of the dark **

Killian:

I was standing in front of the mirror. My shirt was lifted, examining my chest, my stomach. I finally was able to see through the masquerade the curse had created. Now I was able to see the reality of the man I have been, my true self. Not the good guy the curse has made me.

I touched my skin. It was scarred. They no longer hurt, only the memory of how I had gotten them, pained me. I have realized that my recent dreams were no dreams at all but rather things that actually had happened to me. Memories. That is why they felt so real, almost like one deja-vu after the other.

Today I had woken up with the feeling that my skin was aflame. I had felt hot and like I had been standing in flames. I had been in great pain, although there had been no physical danger. I had stormed into the bathroom, wanting to ease the pain with cold water, to convince my body I was not burning.

I had worn a shirt which revealed my arms since the sleeves had been hitched up. I had turned on the cold water of the bath tub. Then my skin had begun to tickle, it had gotten worse with the minute and it had turned into an itch that had been unbearable. I had scratched my skin. Suddenly, skin had come of in the process, uncovering the scars. I had stared at my arms and hands in disbelief.

I had lifted my shirt and had brushed over the skin there too, wiping away the skin the curse had created to cover my past. And since that, I stood in front of the mirror, starring.

All this time I had still doubted Henry, but no longer. He had been right. We were all doomed to live in a world that was not our own. To lead a life we had not chosen, a life that was the opposite from what we had had. Ripping away happy endings, destroying families, relationships and messing with our memories. All the things Henry had said were true.

But he was wrong about one thing. I had not been a good guy. No, I had been far from good. I had been a monster. A man without mercy. A man whose soul was blacker than darkness itself. A man whose anger burnt brighter than the infernal flames in hell. A man who could no longer control this anger and who directed his hatred against the wrong people. Innocent people. Just to get rid of the emptiness he felt inside. To feel something, he killed, because guilt was an emotion too. Because the guilt weighed him down, guilt made his conscience talk to him at night, to keep him company when he had lost the only family he had ever known: his brother.

I no longer needed to search for his face in Storybrooke. He was gone. I no longer had a brother.

All of a sudden, water was washing around my feet. I had forgotten to turn off the running water. The water was flowing down from the edge of the bath tub. I reached for the water faucet and turned it off.

I felt so overwhelmed by what I have learnt and I feared the dream had not uncovered all of my past. I climbed into the tub. I could feel the water soaking my clothes. But it did not matter. I submerged with my eyes wide open. And then, all the memories the dream had shown me crashed down on me again.

_Since the king's betrayal and my brother's death, I had been captain of the ship. But I had other plans with the ship than the king and I would never work for that corrupt man again. He had sent us to a mysterious land to gather a plant for him. A plant that should be able to heal every illness, wound and so on. He had lied to us. And Liam was the one that had to pay for that. The weeks after his death were the worst. I drank more rum than I could handle. I had been to innocent before to ever try alcohol. I wanted to drown my sorrow with the devil's drink. I did not want to feel anything at all. I began gambling, loosing every penny the king had given us. The crew grew restless and I knew as new pirates we should be on the search for adventures. But I had not been ready by then. _

_At first I had to make peace with my broken heart. I also realized I could never let go of my brother, knowing his murderer would just send another poor lass to bring him that godforsaken plant. So I let the crew rob villages and in the process gathering information, rumors and all that was to know about the royal family. _

_The crew killed villagers. Men, women, children. No one was save from them. Some were tortured before they were killed. Their screams haunted me in my dreams, their blood tainted my hands although I never dared to cross the line to take a life away. I was not fond of the methods of the crew, but I tolerated them. These people were only unfortunate victims I was ready to sacrifice for my revenge. They were just in the wrong place at the wrong time. They did not matter to me. And at that time I did not even feel guilty. I just felt lost. Without my brother's guidance I became a man he would have despised more than everything. My brother would be disappointed in me._

_Nevertheless, the king had to pay. Before I could kill him, he needed to know what true suffering meant. Tit for tat. And finally, I had been able to set up a plan. The crew had spied on the king who was foolish to ignore all the reported missing people of his subjects. He saw no threat. All the better. He would not see his doom, just like we had not seen it coming. _

_It was the cold season. Snow was making the operation a little difficult. Snow flakes were blocking our views. But the snow could not keep us from the daughter of the king who was sent to a village. We spied for days to know all the guards the king sent with his daughter. We studied them and their routine. Until we finally attacked the village. In order to distract the guards, a fire was set up. Within a few minutes the houses were aflame. Smoke was rising into the sky. People were panicking and trying to extinguish the flames. Even the guards helped. _

_The crew saw their chance to search the houses for treasures. This had been their condition to help me with my revenge. The more distraction the better for my mission. I did not pay attention to the crew. My eyes were on the princess that came running out of the biggest house in the town. She was clutched to her maid. _

_Soundless I approached them. I pretended I wanted to quench the fire. As I walked near them, I bumped into the princess and knocked her off her feet. I studied her. She had light brown hair that surrounded her face smoothly. Soft curls were falling on her shoulders. Her skin was white. I guess she did not see the sun a lot. She had full rosy lips. She had dark eyes that were looking at me with fear. She was perceptive. She knew instinctively I was not her friend. _

_Her maid wanted to help her up. With my pointed sword I hindered her from doing so. „I am not here to kill you, woman. I only want the girl." There I have said it. She was still so young. I guessed she was about 15 years old. Most of her life was still ahead of her. Could I really end her life? Did she deserve it? _

_„__Please, sir, do not hurt her. She is a good girl." Over and over again the maid was begging me for the life of the princess. I did not even know her name. And I did not want to know it. The girl started to cry. „I have not done anything wrong. Please, do not hurt me." My sword was pressed to her throat, drawing blood. „I am sorry." And I meant it. I knew there was no going back from here. I could not control the darkness any longer. The darkness wanted the girl. Wanted it dead. _

_„__Do not kill me, sir! You can take me with you, I will follow you voluntary and I will never fight you. I want to live… Please." I considered it. She was willing to do everything to save her boring life. She was a princess but she was not free, she had to follow decisions others made for her. If I took her with me, made her fall in love with me, wouldn't it hurt the king just as much? But then I imagined her on my pirate ship. With all the lusty men on board. No, a life on board was no option for her. She would suffer more than being killed the next second. _

_So, without another thought, I gave into darkness and I pierced her heart with my sword. The maid screamed and pushed me away from the girl. She cried for her mistress. I still watched the girl as the light of life was slowly leaving her eyes. The snow around her was drenched in her blood. _

_The girl took my humanity with me. She was the first whose life I had taken…but by god, she was not the last. The following years I became the ruthless pirate captain I had wanted to become out of my grieve for having lost my brother. I killed without thought, robbing from people, I had many women - some of them I even paid to have sex with me. Most of them did it without payment since they thought they could change me, they could make me love them, they could make me good. But there was no use. The honorable lieutenant was gone and all that was left, was the soulless shell of him. _

_A year later, I encountered the king that had taken my brother from me. I had him where I had wanted him. He was miserable. When I drew my sword, he was begging me to kill him. He could not live without his baby girl… And yet, I did not murder him. Being alive was a fate worse than being dead. I knew from experience. When I turned my back on him, he screamed at me, called me a coward and a wussy. But I did not care. _

_The only thing I cared about was my ship. She was the only thing that reminded me of my brother. I fought to protect the ship. In the many battles, I was always victorious with only little wounds that scarred me and remembered me of the lives I had taken. The crew respected me, not daring to question me because they feared me as much as my enemies. And yet, when I was alone in my room, all the faces I had killed without reason were haunting me in my dreams and the memory of my brother faded more and more as if he wanted to punish me for the sins I committed. _

_With time, the memory of him no longer weighed me down. I could pretend I enjoyed my life again. Sometimes I even felt joy. But the truth was, that I was utterly alone. I was cold, distant and hopeless. I feared that I could never love again. _

Gasping, I cut the surface. I was shivering from the cold water, my fingers were blue and I could imagine my lips looked the same color. I felt numb because of the evil inside of me. I was afraid of the man that was slumbering deep inside of me, waiting to awake. I could not imagine what he would do if he had control again. Towards whom he would direct his hatred and anger. There were so many people in Storybrooke that I cared about, that THIS man could hurt since they were defenseless against him. All he cared about was himself.

I got out of the tub. I ripped off my clothes and rubbed my skin dry. I changed into fresh clothes. I walked into my bedroom, only then realizing that Emma had not been there when I had woken up that day. Maybe it was for the better. I did not want to involve her in my confusion. Our relationship had been complicated enough. No, I needed to figure this out on my own. How to banish that man I once was from my thoughts, how to never again let him take control over me.

It seemed, that there was much more to know about him. Since I already knew that somewhere in his life, Milah also played a part. To understand him, to forever burry him inside of me, I needed to know everything. I needed to find my past. And there was only one way to accomplish this. I needed to read Henry's book and figure out, who I have been. Who I am. Who I never wanted to become like.

I got the book from its hiding space and flipped it open.

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_Emma:_

I was flicking stones into the sea. Most of the time, they only hopped once and then they were sinking into the deepness of the ocean. I was not good at this, I knew it. But it helped me to take my mind off of things. I was barefoot in the sand although it was rather cold today, I could even see my own breath in front of my eyes.

I had been avoiding Mary Margaret the whole day. When August had brought me home yesterday, she had been sitting on the stairs and just starring. When her eyes had locked with mine, she jumped in surprise as if she was seeing a ghost. And then her eyes had gone so … cold like I had never seen them before. She had been accusing me of not meaning that she was family to me since I had packed my things and would have left without saying goodbye. She had yelled at me and I had let her because if our places had been swapped, I would be angry too.

When she finally had been ready to let me speak, to let me explain, I told her that… I would not live much longer. That I had wanted to protect her. Her and Henry and Killian from any more pain. I had apologized for being selfish. For wanting myself to spare me that pain. I said to her, that I now knew it would have been a mistake to go away from the only family I had ever known, form the only place I considered home. And at last, I told her that it was about time to commit myself into hospital since my last hours had dawned.

She had started to cry, then I had started to cry and then we cried together. Although she understood my intentions, I still felt guilty and I could not face her because I knew that deep down, she was still hurt. She still felt betrayed by me. And I could not blame her. What I did to her… was cruel. She was like a sister to me and I had abandoned her. She suppressed her anger because she wanted to be there for me. She was truly a saint. And I was a sinner. Always the sinner.

She had offered to be there when I told Henry and … Killian. But I knew Henry needed his mother when I told him, he needed Regina, so I arranged to see them both tonight. When Regina had picked up the phone, she knew exactly what was coming, since I still was in town. She was kind and told me, it would be best to tell him together (like I had wanted to ask her) and that I should stop by their place any time that would suit me. Since I still needed some time to figure out how to tell him, I wanted to see them tonight.

Regina was so kind to me. She was like changed. But knowing about my weakness always had changed people. Why be harsh to someone that was already doomed? That would not stuck around there much longer any way. Nonetheless, I was glad for her kindness. If she could be kind to me, the one she despised the most, she could learn to show Henry her love for him. That he was important to her, that he mattered. That she was no evil queen, at least, not anymore. She was there for him, when I was too afraid to care for him and she would be there for him, when I was gone.

And Killian … I had to tell on my own. To me, it felt like that was even more difficult than telling Henry even tough Killian at least knew that I was ill. But in Killian's presence I had to hide my own grieve of losing my life, since he had no one to lean on. I had to pretend it was okay to die for me, so that it was easier for him to let me go. He had already so many people in his life that he had to say goodbye to. I had to be strong for him and I did not know where to find that strength in me. So, I kind of was avoiding him too. Although I needed him more than ever.

Life was so complicated. I sank to the ground, already exhausted from flicking stones. Sweat beads were on my forehead like I had run a marathon. This weakness was so unfair. I could live with the pain, but not being able to do anything without getting exhausted after barely doing anything was the worst.

This weakness was one of the few things I would not miss when I was gone. Dead. I wondered where I will be going. Is there something after death? A heaven? A hell? Something different altogether? And even if heaven and hell existed, where would I fit in? I was no hero, but I was no villain either. Have I made myself worthy of heaven? Have I done anything that was not selfish? That was helping people?

Or did I just cease to exist? What a horrible thought. No, there had to be something after death. At least, I had to strongly believe that something was awaiting me after death, no matter what. A thought that could give me the strength I needed to face the last days.

I starred at the ocean. Lately, it was the only thing that calmed me. I tried to get up, but sank to the ground again, I still needed to catch my breath before heading home. But that was okay. I closed my eyes and listened to the sound of the waves. After a few moments, I caught my breath again and was able to stand up.

It had started to rain. Before I was heading to Henry and Regina, I needed to tell Killian. I was walking through the rain, towards Killian's apartment. I knew that until I got there, I would be drenched, but it was okay. It did not matter. I was at total peace right now, just the perfect state to tell him about my approaching death. I would be able to be strong for him, because … although I had never said it aloud and I doubted I would ever be able to tell him … I loved him.

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Killian:

My eyes were tired from reading. There were so many stories in the book. And the damned book was a total chaos. One story was smoothly after the other. I could not make sense of the order of the book, how it was organized. And there was no index. So I had to read all of it, to not oversee the person I was in the enchanted forest. Maybe I had not been important and was only a secondary character. But I had to be in there somewhere.

But for now, I could not read another sentence. I needed a break. I put a bookmark into the storybook and closed it. I stood up and went into the kitchen. I had not been eating or drinking the whole day. I drew some water and emptied the glass in one gulp. I repeated this, until I did not feel thirsty anymore. After that, I was so stuffed that I could not eat anything.

I went back into the living room and sat on my couch. There was a knock on the terrace door. I turned my head and looked at a drenched Emma. I hurried to the door and opened it. She was looking like she was freezing and she was not wearing any shoes. Nonetheless, a small smile was on her face. She was the most beautiful woman, I had ever laid my eyes on. I pulled her towards me and put my lips on her lips softly.

With her by my side, the evil man could not take over. I loved her so much, that I wanted to do everything to make myself worthy of her. I would never dare to do anything to make her think any less of me. I pressed a kiss on her forehead and looked her in the eyes. Her eyes were the first thing I had noticed of her. They looked like the most valuable hidden treasure with many green gems that were sparkling.

„I'll get you something dry to wear." Once she was in my clothes (god, I loved her in my clothes), she had a serious expression on her face. „What's wrong, Emma?" „I need to talk to you." „You can tell me anything." She smiled weakly at me. „I know, but this is kind of hard. I just search for the right words." „Did something happen?" „Yes. Something happened. A few days ago, I had a check-up on my blood levels. By being with you, I almost forget the date. I was so happy I did not feel ill anymore. But…then reality caught up with me. Killian, my blood levels were very low. My cancer has spread to my spinal fluid." „I…I don't understand?" „I know, all those medical expressions. It means, that my immune system is in collapse and that the cancer is everywhere in my body." „What are the doctors planning to do?"

She took my hand in her's. I knew what she was going to tell me. I was dreading it. My body was in shock, when she spoke. „I already told you once, that I have stopped the treatment because there was no use. There is nothing left the doctors can do to help me except giving me pain killers to ease the pain that I will have to face in the end." „But there must be something that…" „I am afraid, there is not, Killian. I am going to die, which you knew. The only thing that has changed, is that I am going to leave you sooner."

„How can you be so calm about this? You are going to die! Shouldn't you be angry or sad?" I had jumped from the couch, staring at her disbelievingly. This could not be true. I thought we had months left, not weeks or days! This was unfair. I was no longer a villain in this world and yet, my happy ending was robbed from me.

„Killian, before Henry came into my life, I never thought that I could be happy. I thought I was cursed into a miserable existing without a family. And now, I have Henry, I have Mary Margaret, I had Graham and … I have you. Because of all of you, my days in Storybrooke are worth a whole life and I would never ever again dare to wish for another life. I am finally home." She seemed to be okay with her death, but I knew her. I knew that she was putting up a brave front for my sake. I played along since I did not want to upset her anymore. I pulled her close to me and held her in my arms. I asked her to think about a new list, we could precess until…

She smiled and began telling me things, we would do in those final days. Having a date, going to the movie theater and so on. At a point, I could not listen any more, because it made me so heartbroken to think about all the things we would not be able to do. I wanted her to have a long and happy life.

She may have given up, but I never would. I could never let her go without searching for a way to prolong her life. Later, when she was asleep, I would google for specialists, for any new medicine that could be tried out. I would not give up without trying everything this world had to offer.

Wait a second. THIS world. My dream about Milah came back into my mind. She had told me to remember who I was in order to save Emma. Finally, I knew what my subconsciousness had wanted to tell me all along. I needed to remember in order to believe Henry so that I could help breaking the curse. Because once the curse was broken, there was a way to save Emma. Something THIS world could not offer, but the world we were ripped from. Magic.


End file.
